Do you ever have those seasons where you feel like nothing sticks? Like you finally find a friend, or a hobby, or a job and you get so excited about said thing and then it falls through? It doesn't "stick" and you realize you are still at square one still...searching. For what you're searching for, you don't know. You're just searching and trying on new people and new things to see if they...stick, for lack of a better word.
I feel like I've been in that season of stick-resistance for quite some time, with many areas of my life. I feel like I have no direction and no place to start, so I'm just looking at everything hoping that something fits. I feel this most strongly in jobs and in friends, with friends taking the lead.
It is HARD to make friends. Especially to make the kind of friend that transfers to outside of the realm you met them (a.k.a class or work). For being an introvert, I am really social. I have my moments where I'd rather pluck out an eye than hang out, but I love my friends dearly and I feel a deep incompleteness when I do not have ladies in my life that matter to me.
I know that I have the best friends in the whole wide world. I have been BLESSED with some incredibly ladies that have impacted me permanently. Which makes me feel like a whiner when I still need more. Well, the move to Texas had left me friendless within 200 miles plus-save for Kristy but even that was a long distance relationship. I had a pool of new people that I could pick from from my college campus, but making friends proved to be more difficult than I expected. Personalities didn't click, people had their own set of friends already, or time didn't match up. Whatever the reason, it's been hard to make friends. Thankfully, I have a few ladies that mean the world to me. But I'm always on the look out for a new friend and acquaintance. Some people I have found to be ammaazzzing! Others, I thought they were amazing at first. Whatever the case, it seems something always gets in the way and the acquaintance doesn't go beyond a friendly hi in the hall. Sometimes, I think I need lessons in friendship making. I've never been terribly good at being intentional and pursuing people: Im shy and honestly not all that exciting to hang out with. But I'm learning, trying, and many times failing. Most of the time, though, the other person doesn't seem to be very interested in gaining a new friend. It doesn't stick.
Then there is the job...or hobby...or volunteer endeavor. This is probably more confusing but less difficult than making friends. It's less difficult because I can try and stick with whatever I want at will. If I can find something to do, I can do it. However, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I have no idea what makes me tick, gets me excited, fills that....space....that I can FEEL is there but can never seem to fill. I find positive outlets but...it just doesn't stick like I was hopeful it would. I feel like I am in a constant state of searching-searching for what? I don't know, all I know is I haven't found it yet (and if I'm just being picky, I probably will never find it).
This problem/yearning/void is even more exaggerated when it comes to my Christian walk. I've been searching for my niche for so long. Searching for the place where I excel. Looking for the place that God has made me for and where He can use me to impact the people around me.
I guess I am looking for my home.
I am looking for the place that I belong.
I know that that doesn't come naturally-it takes years to develop, but I'm searching for it.
I am searching for the puzzle piece...or perhaps the puzzle that I fit into.
I am looking for my stride.
I am looking for my forte.
I am looking for my passion.
I am looking for the expression of my purpose.
I am looking for my family.
Maybe my heart is searching for something not found on this earth. Maybe it feels more acutely than my mind realizes, that I do not belong here. This is not my home.
But I believe there is a slice of home here
and I am looking for it.
Just call me Goldilocks.
I am looking for the porridge that is neither too hot nor too cold;
I am looking for the bed that is neither too hard nor too soft;
I'm not stick-resistant from lack of trying. I'm trying the best I can. I suppose with all things, striving won't get us there any faster: it's all in God's timing. I have to remember that. I follow God, I try to serve Him, I do my part in living a life pleasing to Him, and keep my eyes open for opportunities that may be God sent. Then, if it sticks-it sticks and if it doesn't-it doesn't.
God is the Chess Master, He knows the game and players far better than I. He will orchestrate my steps and get me where I need to be going.
It's just a little bit like wandering in the desert, with each new land I come to not being the one promised. Not yet. Hopefully I am doing my part, and not missing the mark entirely.
I'm not sure what exactly they meant when they wrote their song, but I relate to U2's words:
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
