Notes so I remember

Humility.

Let's just say, I'm learning it.

Of course, I did ask for it.

So here are the quick notes so I don't forget what's in my head...

Last sunday:

"We don't have God because we don't need God. Of course we NEED God, but we sure don't act like it. Honestly, we don't really BELIEVE we need God. If we really understood how much we needed God, everything would change. But as of now, we have other options."

Today in class:

"Some people become spiritually mature to the point where they are no longer tempted to lie or steal or cheat or lust or covet. However, no one out grows being tempted to be prideful and to rebel. If they say 'I don't listen to people, I listen to God' or 'I'm not under your authority, I'm under God's authority,' they probably have a problem. Satan's downfall was pride and rebellion. Ours is too. We are never too mature in Christ, to not be tempted by the snare of pride and rebellion. This is especially so in American, where we hold so highly to democracy. We vote pastor's out; that would be unheard of in other countries! If necessary, pray for God to take the pastor out, but do not rebel. If you sow rebellion, you will reap rebellion-even your kids could be effected."

My Fast:

"My physical weakness through not eating, is a sobering reminder of how really weak I am. I need God like my body needs food. I am weak always, but right now I feel and understand how really weak and dependent I am"

Bondage Breaker by Neil Anderson:

"The third channel of temptation is at the heart of the New Age movement: the temptation to direct our own destiny, to rule our own world, to be our own God"

"By appealing to the pride of life, Satan intends to steer us away from the worship of God and destroy our obedience to God. Whenever you feel that you don't need God's help or direction, that you can handle your life without consulting Him, that you don't need to bow the knee to anyone, beware: That's the pride of life."

"Remember there are three critical issues reflected in these channels of temptations. 1) the will of God, as expressed through your dependence upon God; 2) The Word of God, as expressed through your confidence in God; and 3) the worship of God, as expressed through your humble obedience to God. Every temptation that Satan throws at you will challenge one or all of these values."

-Frick! How often am I tempted and stray in these three areas? ALOT! Thank you God for grace and mercy!

Last night I had a break through, I feel.

I've been praying a lot in specific to my future's direction. Instead of making my own decisions, I wanted to seek God's opinion and for Him to direct my steps. I'm a planner, you see, and I like making plans.

But I was praying, like normal, "God what would you like? Is there anywhere that you would like me to go? I need your direction and to hear you."

However, at some point, it switched in my mind, and I began to pray, "God, I trust you with my future. I know that you are sovereign and you are faithful. You have every step of my life ordained and planned, as long as I seek after you. I am not worried about the future or what's next because I know you have planned it out and know the path. God, I pray that you reveal the steps as you see fit to me, that I would be sensitive to your voice. That when the time is right, Lord, you will give me direction, and I trust that you will speak to me. Thank you for being God. Thank you for being Good."

I expressed my confidence in His plan, in His ways, in His ability, in His timing, instead of wanting to know the way so that I could make my plans, my ways, in my ability, and in my timing.

I submitted.

After saying it so many times - I submit my future to you, I leave it in your hands- I finally, for a brief moment, really did. I really did leave it with Him. It was like, "You know? This is yours to deal with. Your much more competent, you have more connections, you understand things better. I know that you love me, you care about me, and you guide me (because your Word says so), so I know that you're not gonna lead me wrong. So here you go, this is too complicated for me, I don't want to deal with it anymore, and your much more capable. Just let me know what's up when I need to know, and we will be all good. I'll probably just ask you every once in a while, specifically, just to see if it's time yet, but if you don't let me know, I'll just know it's not time yet to know."

I trusted.

It was so refreshing. I didn't have to coordinate. I didn't have to figure it out. I didn't have to plan. I could just pass it to Him, and He would be my Life Coordinator, as it were. All I have to do is wait for Him to let me know what's the next step, maybe check in once in a while in case I missed His call cuz I was too busy.

But ultimately, the work is done.

My work, is done.

It's so nice, and I couldn't even have done it anyway.

It's nice to be a child and get taken care of. I should remember my place more often, instead of trying to be a schemer.

I need to remember that

I am human

and God is God

I need to LET GOD be GOD.

Recently.

God is on the move.

These past two weeks have been a roller coaster, as evidence by my puffy eyes and tired mind.

God has definitely been....challenging me - not to be confused with speaking to me - about my dependence and desperation for him.

This has been very moving.

A heard a man speak last sunday (one week ago) which started a Revolution in my mind and spirit. Among many wonderful things he said, I took away the hope that God can be real to us; as real to us as He was to Moses.

When we pray, He will speak. When we ask, He will show up.

My problem is that I am not desperate enough. I have options in case God doesn't speak and doesn't show up, and deep down I truly don't expect that He will anyway.

He has been showing me that just as people consult spiritists and mediums instead of God, I consult myself.

In my many decisions, I rarely seek God to the extent where it costs me something.

In my intercession, I rarely beseech God to the extent where it costs me something.

I put in my time, I ask for what I need, and if I don't see results in a fast-food minute, I move on to something "more productive" (like taking matters into my own hands).

Now, what I've learned this past week has been good, but I've also been taught something else.

Wisdom.

In specifically to Revivals, my thinking was, if I'm pure enough, pray long enough, and hard enough, God will come down. For my decisions, if I just pray long enough, God will speak. And yes, that may be true, but my heart was...a bit off in its interpretation.

In a sense, my heart was testing God. It was saying, "Ok! If I do x, and y, then God will do Z"

And when God doesn't do Z, what happens? Disappointment. Destruction of Confidence. An attack on Faith and Hope.

The problem comes with the difference between two little words: Will and Can. And in my expectation for God to do exactly what I wanted to see happen.

From the Bondage Breaker by Neil Anderson (which I totally recommend), he writes,

"God is under no obligation to us; He is under obligation only to Himself. There is no way you can cleverly word a prayer so that God must respond to it. That not only distorts the meaning of prayer but puts us in the position of manipulating God. The righteous shall live by faith in the written Word of God and not demand that God prove Himself in response to our whims or wishes, no matter how noble they may be. We are the ones being tested, not God."

Testing God is one of (at least) three main ways Satan tries to tempt us. The first is to meet our natural desires independently of God (Satan tempted Eve with fruit, and tempted Jesus with bread).

The second is to "place more credence in our own perspective of life than in God's commands and promises...Fueled by the lust for what we see, we grab for all we can get, believing that we need it and trying to justify the idea that god wants us to have it. [We] wrongly assume that God will withhold nothing good from us, we lustfully pursue materialistic prosperity....Instead of trusting God, we adopt a 'prove it to me' attitude."

Satan told Eve, "Surely you won't die!" Casting doubt on the Word of the Lord. Satan tempted Jesus with "If you are the Son of God, throw Yourself down! For it is written 'He will give His angels charge concerning you' and 'on their hands they will bear You up, lest You strike your food against a stone.'" He was trying to tempt Jesus to test God, "Prove that it's true!" But he replies, "It is written, 'You shall not put the Lord your God to the test.'"

I test God. I take God's promises, and say "Ok God, you said this...then do it." And when He doesn't, I feel cheated.

But again, the difference is between Will and Can. And my expectations of how, where, when, and what God will do.

Will means "Has to," "Guaranteed to." It expresses fact, certainty, and inevitability. And in regard to God's promises, He WILL do them. It IS a fact. But when I tag on "God will..." following something I will do, then we have a problem, ESPECIALLY when I expect the result to take a certain form.

Can means "Ability to," "Possibility of." It expresses that God is able and can do so if He wishes, but it is up to Him.

For example:

1) In God's Word He says, Seek Me and You will Find Me.

Fact. This is true. He promised that when we seek Him we will find Him. Truth.

2) When I seek God and pray today, God will speak to me in the way that I know "speaking" means to me.

Fiction. He is not obligated to perform in such a way. He CAN if He is so inclined, but it doesn't mean He WILL. God is not a vending machine that His will is subject to my actions. When I seek God and pray today, He will be found, but it may not be anything like I'm looking for or wanting.

3) When I seek Him, I will find Him.

Fact. I have not told God how and when and in what way I will find Him. I have simply applied Truth to my Life, in simple belief that when I seek Him, He will be found by me. Maybe it won't even be recognizable to me, maybe He will whisper at another point in the day; but ultimately, I know that this fact is Truth, and I can be confident that when I seek Him, He responds to me.

So my frustration is, How Do I Find God??

I pray wanting to know more about Him, and sit and wait, and I get nothing. Yes, it's frustrating. Especially since I want to seek God for God, and not God for my problems.

But I think there is a flaw in my heart about this seeking God for God and not for stuff idea.

It's very subtle, but it's huge.

Let's examine seeking God for advice.

When I go to a friend with a problem or needing direction (sound boarding), it builds the relationship.

But many times when I go to God seeking His counsel, I feel that it is NOT building the relationship.

I've said this many times, and I've heard others say this many times, especially when we haven't had quality time with God and feel guilty just asking Him for stuff and solutions and people all the time. We say, "I'm gonna seek God for God, and then when we've had quality time again, I'll continue seeking God's help in decisions, circumstances, and for intercession."

So what's the difference? I can go and seek a friend out for help, and it builds; while I seek God, and it's selfish?

The difference is I go to my friend and say "Walk with me, help me, join me" while I go to God (many times, but not always) and say "Here is my problem, Give me the answer (or fix it)."

With my friend, I'm seeking connection and intimacy with that person-I'm sharing and asking them to share, while with God I am seeking results.

But going to each other with our cares and fears and self, is how deep relationships are built. Going to God with our cares and fears and self, can also build and strengthen relationship. However, I need to expect relationship and supprot, rather than an Answer. I need to seek out His mind, His thoughts, how He feels about the subject, His opinions. He may not answer in a moment, or in the way that is most obvious, but He speaks to us: through songs, and movies, and books, and sermons, and conversations, and nature, and dreams. He may reveal it in one moment or throughout a lifetime.

And ultimately, He speaks through His word, and it's helpful when you have a specific reason for why you are seeking Him out. If you are just seeking God with no direction, you have 66 wonderful books to look through! If you have a request, or a problem, you now have a focused topic to ask God what his opinion on it is. What does God think about working? Or family problems? Or difficult relationships? Or love? Or respect?

Instead of going to God and say "God I have a problem with my family, fix, thanks, bye!" We say, "God, I'm having difficulty with my family. Please help us. Please have your hand in this family. Teach me how to be a better member of this family. God, what have you said already in regards to family? What is your heart for it? How would you act?" And then seek His Word. As we balance that with our Worship and thanksgiving and meditation, we come to a working relationship with God.

So the lessons I've been learning are:

-To be Desperate for God. That there is no other option. I NEED HIM, and I need to LIVE like it. My priorities need and are changing.

-To expect Him to move.

-To balance these with the WISDOM that:

God is obligated only to Himself and to His Word, because He is not a liar.

Therefore, I need to live according to His Word and His Promises, desperate for Him, Expecting Him to fulfill His Word with the humble understanding that His perspective is not my perspective, and that Him fulfilling His Word may look a lot different than how I want it to be (or think I need it to be)

So, the Challenge is...

To keep my expectations, while still submitting to God's will.

To have faith in His Word, expecting that He will "show up" in all of His Glory and Majesty in accordance to His Word, but in what way, I cannot imagine.

If God is dead....

In the 60's, The New York Times asked, "Is God Dead?"

Before that, Nietzsche declared, "God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him."

If God is dead then Man is dead.

In murdering God, we've murdered ourselves.

Life has no meaning, and we are without Hope.

The vision

They are free
yet they are slaves
of the hurting and dirty and dying.
What is the vision? The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.
It makes children laugh and adults angry.
It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars.
It scorns the good and strains for the best.
It is dangerously pure.
Light flickers
from every secret motive,
every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps,
their Satan games.
…And this vision will be.
It will come to pass;
it will come easily;
it will come soon.
How do I know?
Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit,
the very dream of God.
—Pete Greig, excerpted from The Vision

If I marry...

"If I marry: he must be so tall that when he is on his knees as one has said, he reaches all the way to heaven.

His shoulders must be broad enough to bear the burden of a family.

His lips must be strong enough to smile, firm enough to say no, and tender enough to kiss.

Love must be so deep that it takes it's stand in Christ and so wide that it takes the whole lost world in.

He must be active enough to save souls.

He must be big enough to be gentle and great enough to be thoughtful.

His arms must be strong enough to carry a little child."

-Ruth Bell Grahams prayer before she met and married Evangelist Billy Graham

Sticking

Do you ever have those seasons where you feel like nothing sticks? Like you finally find a friend, or a hobby, or a job and you get so excited about said thing and then it falls through? It doesn't "stick" and you realize you are still at square one still...searching. For what you're searching for, you don't know. You're just searching and trying on new people and new things to see if they...stick, for lack of a better word.

I feel like I've been in that season of stick-resistance for quite some time, with many areas of my life. I feel like I have no direction and no place to start, so I'm just looking at everything hoping that something fits. I feel this most strongly in jobs and in friends, with friends taking the lead.

It is HARD to make friends. Especially to make the kind of friend that transfers to outside of the realm you met them (a.k.a class or work). For being an introvert, I am really social. I have my moments where I'd rather pluck out an eye than hang out, but I love my friends dearly and I feel a deep incompleteness when I do not have ladies in my life that matter to me.

I know that I have the best friends in the whole wide world. I have been BLESSED with some incredibly ladies that have impacted me permanently. Which makes me feel like a whiner when I still need more. Well, the move to Texas had left me friendless within 200 miles plus-save for Kristy but even that was a long distance relationship. I had a pool of new people that I could pick from from my college campus, but making friends proved to be more difficult than I expected. Personalities didn't click, people had their own set of friends already, or time didn't match up. Whatever the reason, it's been hard to make friends. Thankfully, I have a few ladies that mean the world to me. But I'm always on the look out for a new friend and acquaintance. Some people I have found to be ammaazzzing! Others, I thought they were amazing at first. Whatever the case, it seems something always gets in the way and the acquaintance doesn't go beyond a friendly hi in the hall. Sometimes, I think I need lessons in friendship making. I've never been terribly good at being intentional and pursuing people: Im shy and honestly not all that exciting to hang out with. But I'm learning, trying, and many times failing. Most of the time, though, the other person doesn't seem to be very interested in gaining a new friend. It doesn't stick.

Then there is the job...or hobby...or volunteer endeavor. This is probably more confusing but less difficult than making friends. It's less difficult because I can try and stick with whatever I want at will. If I can find something to do, I can do it. However, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I have no idea what makes me tick, gets me excited, fills that....space....that I can FEEL is there but can never seem to fill. I find positive outlets but...it just doesn't stick like I was hopeful it would. I feel like I am in a constant state of searching-searching for what? I don't know, all I know is I haven't found it yet (and if I'm just being picky, I probably will never find it).

This problem/yearning/void is even more exaggerated when it comes to my Christian walk. I've been searching for my niche for so long. Searching for the place where I excel. Looking for the place that God has made me for and where He can use me to impact the people around me.

I guess I am looking for my home.

I am looking for the place that I belong.

I know that that doesn't come naturally-it takes years to develop, but I'm searching for it.

I am searching for the puzzle piece...or perhaps the puzzle that I fit into.

I am looking for my stride.

I am looking for my forte.

I am looking for my passion.

I am looking for the expression of my purpose.

I am looking for my family.

Maybe my heart is searching for something not found on this earth. Maybe it feels more acutely than my mind realizes, that I do not belong here. This is not my home.

But I believe there is a slice of home here

and I am looking for it.

Just call me Goldilocks.

I am looking for the porridge that is neither too hot nor too cold;

I am looking for the bed that is neither too hard nor too soft;

I'm not stick-resistant from lack of trying. I'm trying the best I can. I suppose with all things, striving won't get us there any faster: it's all in God's timing. I have to remember that. I follow God, I try to serve Him, I do my part in living a life pleasing to Him, and keep my eyes open for opportunities that may be God sent. Then, if it sticks-it sticks and if it doesn't-it doesn't.

God is the Chess Master, He knows the game and players far better than I. He will orchestrate my steps and get me where I need to be going.

It's just a little bit like wandering in the desert, with each new land I come to not being the one promised. Not yet. Hopefully I am doing my part, and not missing the mark entirely.

I'm not sure what exactly they meant when they wrote their song, but I relate to U2's words:

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Hope

You can Live only so long in Fear and then It turns to Apathy.

I wish to Live in neither.

I will Live in the Blessed Assurance.

That Space Between.

In Peace that

What I can't change

And

That Which I can't shield

Will be what It will Be

And

Is what It Is

And all for

Good Cause

And

Good Purpose

Amen.

Blessed Assurance, Jesus is mine!

O what a foretaste of Glory Divine!

Perfect Submission, all is at Rest;

I in my Savior am happy and blessed.

Watching and Waiting, Looking Above,

Filled with His Goodness, Lost in His Love.