Thank God

Thank you God for my Dorm Pastor.

Thank you that she knows you and that she speaks the truth.

I needed that.

I'll wait for you God, but I'm not going to ask for anything less. This is what I want. I'm willing to fight for it.

"After you have suffered this for a while, he is faithful to take what was broken and mend it"

Oh Hell

(This is my prayer, right at this moment to God. Some of you probably got a text from me asking to pray. Well, I won't respond to your questions right away, cuz I'm praying. This is my praying)

God.

Is this really what it takes to be with you?

Then so be it.

I don't know that its normal that when spending time with you, you feel like crap.

When I make time for you, spend time with you, all I feel is pain and intense sorrow.

I really really think that when I don't spend time with you, I feel better. I have better days. I enjoy life more. Isn't that the opposite of what it should be?

Arent we taught that the abundant life comes from being connected to you.

BUT GOD! When Im connected with you ALL I FEEL IS PAIN!!

This year, this beginning , I was happy.

HAPPY! REAL HAPPINESS!! It was crazy!

And then I realized that I hadnt been spending enough time with you (around the end of the semester due to finals). So Ive been fighting (a monster of an exaggeration)...fighting myself to make time for you. But GOD when I MAKE TIME FOR YOU I FEEL LIKE THIS!

Maybe I live with a mild case of depression.

But really, I dont want to be that guy! That guy that every time you talk to them, ask them how they are, they say its hard, its a bad day.

DAMMIT I WANT TO HAVE GOOD DAYS! AND I HAVE GOOD DAYS WITHOUT YOU!

But I dont want to live without you God!

I want you to talk with me again!!!

I want you to be with me again!!

But you dont talk to me anymore.

You dont sit with me.

Maybe, thats how it will be.

So Im disciplining myself to spend time...devotional time...to have dates with you, even when you dont speak.

You ARE more than just a feeling. You are my God. I WANT A RELATIONSHIP, but when you dont show up for the dates, it makes it kind of hard!!!

And every time I spend with you, I become so acutely aware of the hole that is desperate for you. And I become aware that it is not filled with you. But you dont come...

There are promises that you've given me.

And I'm trying to believe them

Im trying to remember them.

But God it scares me, but my heart has no confidence in them anymore....when I spend time with you. When I feel like this, I know that I have no confidence in them anymore.

When I'm "fine," I KNOW what the truth is and I can stand on it....

It just sucks...

its funny because I was interrupted in my prayer by one of my friends. We talked and as I was talking and leaving prayer mode, I felt better...like I always do when I stop praying. Right now, as I go back to all this crap, I feel ok...although again it gets worse as I think about it more. It' always right under the surface, and usually I know its there. But my days are GOOD, usually. I LOVE my life!...but its all right under the surface....so tell me, would YOU want to face it? If you're doin just fine when your not thinking about all this, would YOU want to talk about it? I would highly doubt it. Cuz its not a one time thing, this has been the norm, with medium spans of completely fine in between. Yep, cuz right now (and by this time I've texted back), I'm dandy. Life is good, I "know" the truth and can stand on it. I have hope. But when I spend time with God, or really think about what's down underneath....boo.

Boo my life man. I don't like talking about this stuff. I feel like its complaining but cuz it happens so much and I "know" better. I know the promises of God, I know that this is going to be fine, whatever whatever whatever.

I just need God. I need him to be with me. I dont really know why he is withholding from me (Yea, I realize he doesnt "withhold" any good thing from his children...and to that I say SHUT UP. Gosh. Patronize me lol). Pretty sure I know all the right ANSWERS, pretty sure theres many things that I could come up with that would be good TO DO, but seriously, at this point I just need to know its going to be ok.

Is it going to be ok??????

I mean I can suck it up, take a deep breath, and piss out some promises that I half believe in, that it will be ok. But I DONT BELIEVE IT at this point (and you see it? I'm deeper in now, here comes the way I really feel...).

I guess I would believe you, Though. That's what Faitth said. She said with confidence that it's going to be ok. That I will get to the other side. I believe HER, I dont believe IT. But it helps.

Because it my mind....I dont even know that there is an end. What if this is just the way things are? What if this is as good as it gets? Now, the ultimate reasurance would be for God to tell me that there is an end.

I swear, if He told me that there is an end to this, that this is just s season, then I would totally be fine. I would believe it.

But like I said, thats the whole issue now. He doesnt talk to me. I'm just walking in faith at this point. When I don't "feel" this stuff, then I'm able to walk in faith and stand on the promises of God. When I'm in the "midst" of all this stuff, you better believe I'm pissed off, resentful, and a tad bit bitter. Are you allowed to be all these things toward God...after reading all this, do you really think I care? Your supposed to be honest with God, and when I'm spending time with him, I dont want to resign myself to what I should feel or should know. In all the places that you should feel safe being yourself, shouldn't it be with God? And yet, that's the one place I don't like doing it.....probably cuz I "know better." I know I shouldnt be feeling this way.

I watch other men and women of God, and I know that I should be thankful, I should have confidence. Its GOD we are talking about after all. But the truth is, I'm not like those men and women...I was once. It feels like ages ago. I went through alot, and I kept my faith through it. I stood on truth no matter what. And what's obnoxious is that NOW, with NOTHING wrong going down, I can't keep everything straight,

I think I'm just beginning to realize how much all that really shook me. I'm beginning to see where Scratch really does start...and its pretty far away.

So please have grace with me when I dont want to talk about it. 1) I dont know how. Im pretty much rambling right now. 2) I dont need advice. So if and when I do talk about it, keep your advice, and keep your examples. Unless its something I've not thought about, I'll probably be frustrated with you and just listen from politeness (yes, we've all been there, you know what I'm talking about). But I do need reassurance. I'm like a kid, I just need to know the truth. I dont need to know how to fix it, because GOD needs to tell me that (Yes, God, YOU NEED TO TELL ME YOURSELF IF YOU WANT ME TO FIX SOMETHING! IM DONE TRYING TO FIX THINGS THAT I THINK MAY NEED TO BE FIXED!! I dont even think that its healthy to fix things that God doesnt say are broken). But you can reassure me of the truth that you know. The truth that you REALLY know. My faith is very small, so your faith can help a brotha out. 3) there was another point....oh yes, I dont always like talking about it because when I feel fine I want to keep it that way for a while. Its the only respite I have, so I dont like bringing it up at every turn, making the rest of my day suck. 4) If I DO seem like I'm fine, I'm not lying, I really am!...sorta. I think by this time, you know what I mean by that. So I'm not faking it, I'm just not thinking about it (something close to aviodance, but not). 5) Since this is how I feel so frequently, its gets obnoxious to bring it up all the time. I get tired of it, I'm sure y'all would get tired of it and such advice would start as "you should just live in the abundance of Christ" "you should just ..." "you need to just..." Boo. Thanks but no thanks.

(Obviously there are times where I need to talk and don't. Will you know those times? Probably not. I'm a girl, we're tough like that).

Boo. I was so happy...I still am, I guess. Whatever, this all makes no sense. I just want it to be done, for God to help me through. I just want to walk in faith knowing it will be fine...which would work, except for that means no devo time with God...which isnt ok. Ugh. Catch-22 man.

Welcome to how my life works generally. This is an insight of my 22 years. I swear I have a mild form of chronic depression.

Not gonna lie, its incredibly tempting to just "give it to God" and then avoid facing it, and talking to him believing "in faith" that he's "got it covered."

BBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH Super frustrating. As of this very moment, I feel fine again.

Oh and the other thing that I think is going to become a problem is that now that I'm trying to REALLY REALLY discipline myself to spend time with God (go on "dates" as it were), I'm going to start feeling really hurt when God keeps "not showing up" for our dates.

It was real bad the other day, I was PISSSSSED at God. And it basically came down to me saying, "God, I dont want to have a relationship with you like I had with Shiloh." That was really the root. I was so hurt and angry and hurt. Cuz on many levels its simiar. The commitment, the amount of input, no response, not being able to leave. Oh it was very not so fun when I realized that that's how I looked at my relationship with God. I really do feel the same way. And the (EVIL STRAIGHT FROM THE DEVIL) resignation of "standing on the truth." OH LORD that scared me. To just forcing yourself to believe that someone loves you just cuz they said it once a while back. I swear, its evil to do that. Theres so much damage....and then realizing, in your heart of hearts, that you love this person on a level that you really wouldn't leave. I SWORE TO MYSELF I WOULD NEVER DO THAT AGAIN! I WOULD NEVER PUT MYSELF IN THAT POSITION AGAIN...but guess what. God's doing the same thing Shiloh did. (Yes...I know what you're saying, God's not Shiloh....I know this in my brain, but I'm telling you, my heart truly doesnt know. It feels, smells, tastes, looks the same....it needs to be proved. But the only one who can prove it is God....so yea. I know I wasnt doing my part with seeking him out everyday-although I did have devotional time, just not everyday-so I made up my mind (like I did with Shiloh), that I would do my part. I would be responsible for my end, no matter what they did. And we all know how it went with him, and my heart is screaming that God is doing the same)

It's hard to keep my heart open and sensitive to any sort of whisper from God and not to be swept away by the things that creep and crawl. I would seriously settle for any sort of communication from God-even if he jsut straight up ripped into me. But to keep so open to catch any whisper, I know that I'm catching a lot of other stuff thats not so good. It makes me 1)more willing to accept that my feelings are actually the truth 2) it makes me more susceptible to lies. There's a lot of things, in my devotional times, that have come into my head and I have given credence to in order to turn over in my head if its God or not. He never says either way. I set it up against the word of God that I know is in there, but alot of it is grey or could go either way. But none of it takes the authority with which God's voice carries. So I half accept it hoping that maybe it's God, and the other half can't fully accept because it doesn't have his familiar stamp

Once it a while, a bone is thrown to me, but they are like whispers of a memory.

The House was brought up (which God gave me my second year)...just a fleeting impression, nothing substantial. But I knew it was His breath, so I hold onto that.

A breath of the long ago promise that he hears me and that he would give me the world if I asked it of him (which in the end only frustrates me more, because then I ask for this, and nothing...as of yet)

Other wisps come in and out...but nothing concrete. Only shadows and smoke. I try to catch it with all my heart, but in the end, I crave whats touchable.

I miss God.

Spring Break

These are my adventures in Video and Picture form on my Spring Break 2010. They are not in the order of eventful...ness...

Grace applied to my Screwed up Self

3/24/10

His love for me didn't change did it?

Just because Im saved doesn't mean I now have to earn it.

It simply means Im free.

He never identified me with the sin, he only saw me.

He doesn't identify me with my sin, he only sees me.

He only sees me.

The one that he loves.

I am the one that he loves.

Its not "now you're saved, repay me"

Its "now you're saved, you're free"

When I wasn't saved, I couldn't be with him.

Now that I'm saved, I can be with him.

Nothing else changes, except that I'm free.

I should tell people about this amazing freedom!

I should help people walk in a fuller freedom than they know now.

I can help teach and guide them, as others teach and guide me.

It's not my job, it's my desire.

It's not your job, Emilie. It's not your requirement. It's what you'll want to do. He just made your direction clear. Now that you know, go tell others. Spread the word of this Wonder! I was Lost and now Im Found! I was Blind but now I See! I was Dead but now I am Alive! I was a Prisoner but now I am Free!

How easy, to tell such good news! It's not my job, it's my pleasure!

There is no one who can save like Jesus can.

There is no better way to live!

How amazing is this grace, unearned and undeserved. Never to be tried to pay back.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

From the Book

"What's So Amazing About Grace"

By Philip Yancey

Sin:"The bible's many fierce passages on sin appear in a new light once I understand God's desire to press me toward repentance, the doorway to grace. Jesus told Nicodemus, 'For God did not send his son in to thebworld to Condemn the world, but to save the world through him.' In other words, he awakes guilt for my own benefit. God seeks not to crush but to liberate me. 'It is the saints who have a sense of sin,' as Father Danielou says, 'The sense of sin is the measure of a soul's awareness of God.'"

***

"The opposite of sin is grace, not virtue"

***

"One who has been touched by grace will no longer look on those who stray as 'those evil people' or 'those poor people who need our help.' Nor must we search for signs of 'loveworthiness.' Grace teaches us that God loves because of who God is, not because of who we are.

"Categories of worthiness do not apply. In his autobiography, the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche told of his ability to 'smell' the inmost parts of every soul, especially the 'abundant hidden dirt at the bottom of many a character.' Nietzsche was a master of ungrace. We are called to do the opposite, to smell the residue of hidden worth.

"In a scene from the movie Ironweed, the characters played by Jack Nicholson and Meryl Streep stumble across and old Eskimo woman lying in the snow, probably drunk. Besotted themselves, the two debate what they should do about her.

"Is she drunk or a bum?" Asks Nickolson

"Just a bum. Been one all her life."

"And before that?"

"She was a whore in Alaska."

"She hasn't been a whore all her life. Before that?"

"I dunno. Just a little kid, I guess."

"Well a little kid's something. It's not a bum and it's not a whore. It's something. Let's take her in."

"The two vagrants were seeing the Eskimo woman through the lens of grace. Where society saw only a bum and a whore, grace saw 'a little kid' a person made in the image of God no matter how defaced that image had become."

***

I marvel at Jesus' tenderness in dealing with people.

John gives the account of Jesus' impromptu conversation with a woman at a well.

In those days the husband initiated the divorce: this samaritan woman had been dumped by five different men

Jesus could have begun by pointing out what a mess the woman had made of her life.

Yes he did not say, "young woman, do you realize what an immoral thin you're doing, living with a man who is not your husband?"

Rather he said, in effect, I sense you are very thirsty.

Jesus went on to tell her that the water she was drinking would never satisfy

and then offered her living water to quench her thirst forever.

I try to recall this spirit of Jesus when I encounter someone of who I morally disapprove.

This must be a very thirsty person, I tell myself.

I once talked with the priest Henri Nouwen just after he had returned from San Francisco.

He had visited various ministries to AIDS victims and was moved with compassion by their sad stories.

"They want love so bad, it's literally killing them," he said.

He saw them as thirsty people panting after the wrong kind of water.

When I am tempted to recoil in horror from sinners, from "different" people, I remember what it must have been like for Jesus to live on earth.

Perfect...sinless...

Jesus had every right to be repulsed by the behavior of those around him.

YET, he treated notorious sinners with mercy and not judgement.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

I don't want to resign myself to the idea that God loves me simply because he said so.

Show me.

I don't want to believe that God loves me simply because someone told me he does.

Show me.

Do you love me?

Yes-

Show me.

I don't want to just trust it, I want to know it.

You say that it is this way.

Show me.

I don't want to always be beating back my true feelings and following my mind.

RESIGN myself to knowledge. SETTLE for the story.

The old testament is not the New Testament.

The relationship then is different than what it can be now.

Show me.

I want to see it. I want to feel it. I WANT IT TO BE A REAL RELATIONSHIP!

I don't want to be given a picture and be told, "Don't worry, this person loves you. See! They sent you a card."

Can't He come see me himself? Cant He show me his love and care in person?

Sometimes he goes no trip, so I remember his love and wait for his return. But for one that has left and not come back….how do you stay faithful? With no card, with no calls, with no care?

To just trust it?

What happens when it becomes just words with no action?

Do you love me?

---no answer

Does he love me?

---yes he does, they say

How do I know?

---he wrote it down

---he told you before

Where is he now?…What happens now? Do I just settle with a stale remembrance of the past?…I guess that is enough…but does it really have to be that way?

Is this really as hard as its supposed to be?

Can I ask to be shown? Or do I quiet my restless heart and keep chugging away, chanting in the back of my mind the mantra that keeps me going….he loves me, he loves me, he loves me.

Do I ask too much when I want to be shown again?….I would tell others, of course not! It would be understandable if a wife were neglected, it wouldn't matter what he said, or what had done in the past, love is a daily thing. Does she have to do something in order to be shown that love? (i.e. she can only feel neglected if she puts into it, and he doesn't reciprocate. If she doesn't put into it, she can't blame him for being so distant….but is it really her move first? Was it ever her move first?)

Christ moved first. Does he still move first when you're saved, or is it your turn?

Our relationships with people effect how we view God. Word for word these ideas were developed from my past relationships….the unhealthy ones. It is interesting. I know in my mind and in my heart that they were unhealthy. That they were unfair to me. But for the life of me, I can't shake the principles that caused me to act the way that I did. That deep belief that I was to act in a way that facilitated an unhealthy relationship.

Which came first, though. Was it the human relationships that developed the principles that I put on to God? Or was it my principles with God which I use with people?

Stories

3/18/10

1AM

God you have had your hand on my whole life and I have never seen it. You have rescued me from terrible positions I never knew I could be in. You've given me talents and knowledge that could only come from you. You have protected me and orchestrated my steps but I have never seen you. That frustrates me. But I read the stories of those long dead, of ruth of esther of daniel of shad mesh and abed, and they never saw you or heard you. They simply just followed what you taught and you orchestrated their steps gave them words, protected them , and they never knew. Until the day your glory was revealed. Increase my faith.

_____

You honor God, he honors you

The Funny Thing About People

3PM 3/18/10 (As written to myself in texts)

When I realized that they are just kids, no matter what they say or what they show, they are scared and trying their best just like me. Then all my expectations were released. And I could look at them like people, like equals and I stopped needing them to be…something other than what they were. The were just like me. Truth is, they cant give me what I need. They are in way over their heads too. They are just trying to survive, trying to find someone who can give them what they need. That's the funny thing about people, no matter how old they are or what they show, sometimes they are still just scared kids.

Late Night Thoughts

3/19/10 (these were texts I sent myself in the witching hours)

I've always wanted to walk with God but perhaps I just don't have what it takes. Ive always wanted to be special, chosen, significant in Gods eyes but you can't demand such a thing, it just has to happen to you. Or you are a normal person who gets thrown into extraordinary circumstances-like Job or Daniel...They weren't special like Isaiah or Samuel or Moses or Abraham. Those other men just chose differently when a time came. I think there is becoming a respectful distance between me and God. I always wanted to be Isaiah or Elijah or Moses but especially Enoch. I've always wanted to see God and walk with him. But I think I'm Daniel or Job. The just lived righteously because of what they were taught. They were nothing special. I think I've tried to force God down here and he's not coming. Hes close and intertwined in my life, guiding my steps but I'm no moses where I can go speak to him . Not like that…how heartbreaking. This normal life. Its like the death of a dream. (where does the new covenant come into all this?)

__

In my young prideful naive self, I really believe I can refuse God. That I can know him, that I can make judgment calls. Who am I? Nobody. Who am I to refuse God?

__

Maybe it is like Narnia. I wish I were the kids who found favor in his eyes. Who served a purpose. The others never really got to know him. But in the end he was close to them for a time and then he left. And they were on their own. Until he was needed again. Maybe sometimes we fight our battles with him visible by our sides and sometimes we are unaware of his work.