Desert

Without faith, it is impossible to please God.

Faith is something that I'm learning quite a bit about. I'm not sure if I asked God to increase my faith, although I would be foolish enough to ask for it; but I do know that I asked the Holy Spirit to do surgery on my heart.

As of the past few years, God has been very...indirect. My flesh would like to call it distance, and neglectful. It's been the cause of much pain, and by my choice, turned into much bitterness.

The past few weeks has been a (beginning) walk through this bitterness and pain, and Faith is what keeps me grounded. Faith is what keeps me believing when my heart finds no compelling reason to continue to do so.

What started this journey, I feel, is my new favorite cuss word: Desperation.

When you seek me with your whole heart, says the Lord, I will be found by you.

In this point in the game, my flesh (and heart) want to laugh at this promise. But faith is what keeps me in the game. And prayer is what keeps me pouring out my emotions (disappointment, hurt, anger, fear) to keep them from infecting my heart.

In Faith, I believe these promises to be true, whether or not I see it or feeeeeel it.

In Faith, I believe He is with me, guides me, and would never forsake (or abandon) me.

But I am very dry. I need God. I love God. And my need, I fear, is what is getting me hurt. Or perhaps it is the beginnings of my need for God that are making me afraid. I am afraid to need God and trust him. I need Him to show up if I were to trust Him, but I am terrified that He won't...because....He hasn't. But I am not yet IN NEED of Him; I am at the edge of needing and afraid to jump.

I have no yet jumped, therefore He has not had the opportunity to prove it to me. And I tell Him, I need you! I need your presence! I need your peace! But I have not actually jumped; it is not necessary yet for Him to come.

Perhaps, I want more of Him, but I do not actually NEED more of Him. And not in a bad way. It is not wrong that I don't "need" Him, in the sense that I am talking-in the sense of needing the hospital before I am sick. It's ok that I do not need the hospital yet, I'm not sick. But to be hurt and afraid that the hospital will not be there when I am in need, is foolish.

For me to go to the front desk of the hospital and say,

"I need you, are you here?"

"Yes, we are here, whenever you need us."

"Well, I need you."

"What for? Are you sick?"

"I just need to know that you are here."

"Yes. Yes, we are. You can even check our website."

But I feel that I need God. I'm insecure. I'm lonely. I'm broken.

Whatever I know, whatever He does give me, it's not sticking, it's not sustaining, and I don't know why. I need Him. I am afraid and I am hurt, because I am alone. I can't do this alone; and then fear creeps in.

A few days ago, I was sitting outside reading or something, and a girl probably about my age came running with a little boy who looked about 9 or 10. They were exercising, running side by side. They came running through the apartment complex and around the corner our of sight, presumably up the stairs. Not a moment after the two were out of sight, another little boy, maybe 5 or 6, came running through with a little girl who looked about 4. The pair got halfway through the apartment complex when they stopped. They had no idea where the older boy and girl had gone to. They had no idea which direction to go.

They were lost.

It was the little boy who realized this first and it devastated him. Standing in one spot, he and the little girl looked around. After maybe 15 seconds, the little boy dropped down to hug his knees and began crying.

It was the saddest sound I had ever heard in my life.

After seeing him start to cry, I got up in order to help them, but before I could help the older girl and boy stuck their head down from the balcony. The little girl, who probably didn't really understand what was going on our care, immediately went around the corner and up the stairs. The little boy, however, took a minute to recover. He needed a special hug and reassurance from the older girl. And as the group began to retrace their running steps, the little boy and girl were given a head start so that they would always know that the older ones would be coming behind.

I feel like this little boy.

I feel like I have lost my way and don't know what to do.

It's been a long time and I am dry.

But faith is what sustains me in this desert. God shows up here and there. He reminds me indirectly that we are connected. But I need His love, His peace, His comfort, His assurance, His blessing, His promises, His presence. I need Him to be close, not distant. I have been searching for Him and cannot find Him. And there are real, legitimate needs that God needs to fill: to man, not friends, but GOD. And I WANT God to fill those needs. I miss Him, and I don't want to live without Him.

So faith is what sustains me.

In Faith, I believe that He is Good.

In Faith, I believe that He loves me.

In Faith, I believe that He guides and directs my steps.

In Faith, I believe that He is real.

In Faith, I believe that He can be found.

In Faith, I believe that He is pleased with me, or He would show me otherwise.

In Faith, I believe that He hears my prayers whether I feel that He does or not

In Faith, I believe that the prayers of a righteous man avails much (is powerful and effective)

In Faith, I believe that His promises are true.

In Faith, I believe that He is finishing the work that He began in me.

In Faith, I believe that He is pleased with me.

I have no feelings to back this up, actually my feelings tell me this stuff is crap. BUT in Faith I believe it to be true.

So, in faith, I believe that as I put in the work to seek Him, to keep feeling this way (instead of suppressing it), and to deal with my issues by continually pouring out my emotions before God in prayer, HE is faithful to me...in whatever way that means. And that when I really DO need Him, His timing will be perfect, and He will be found by me.

So to finish the verse:

Without faith it is impossible to please God,

[Why?]

Because anyone who comes to him must first believe that he exists

[which takes a lot of faith, actually!]

and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him

[which can be an exceedingly difficult thing to believe when your feelings of reality are screaming in your ears]

Without faith, you couldn't believe he existed. Without faith, half the time we wouldn't believe seeking him is worth it! So without faith, we could never please God! We wouldn't believe in him-which wouldn't be very pleasing to Him- and we wouldn't seek him-which can't be very pleasing either!

But, I'm tired, to say the least, and dry.

Luckily, deserts don't last forever.

[Side note]

So looking up the spelling for desert, since I didn't want to say dessert, I came across these fun definitions.

In Faith, I believe my situation is a noun and not a verb.

Amen.

desert 2 |ˈdezərt|nouna dry, barren area of land, esp. one covered with sand, that is characteristically desolate, waterless, and without vegetation.• a lifeless and unpleasant place, esp. one consisting of or covered with a specified substance • a situation or area considered dull and uninteresting :
desert 1 |dəˈzərt|verb [ trans. ]abandon (a person, cause, or organization) in a way considered disloyal or treacherous• [usu. as adj. ] ( deserted) (of a number of people) leave (a place), causing it to appear empty • (of a quality or ability) fail (someone), esp. at a crucial moment when most needed