Proverbs 19:17

One who is gracious to a poor man lends to the LORD, And He will repay him for his good deed.

Faith

MORNING: With Charles Spurgeon  "The trial of your faith."  -- 1 Peter 1:7  Faith untried may be true faith, but it is sure to be little faith, and it is likely to remain dwarfish so long as it is without trials. Faith never prospers so well as when all things are against her: tempests are her trainers, and lightnings are her illuminators. When a calm reigns on the sea, spread the sails as you will, the ship moves not to its harbour; for on a slumbering ocean the keel sleeps too. Let the winds rush howling forth, and let the waters lift up themselves, then, though the vessel may rock, and her deck may be washed with waves, and her mast may creak under the pressure of the full and swelling sail, it is then that she makes headway towards her desired haven. No flowers wear so lovely a blue as those which grow at the foot of the frozen glacier; no stars gleam so brightly as those which glisten in the polar sky; no water tastes so sweet as that which springs amid the desert sand; and no faith is so precious as that which lives and triumphs in adversity. Tried faith brings experience. You could not have believed your own weakness had you not been compelled to pass through the rivers; and you would never have known God's strength had you not been supported amid the water-floods. Faith increases in solidity, assurance, and intensity, the more it is exercised with tribulation. Faith is precious, and its trial is precious too.  

Let not this, however, discourage those who are young in faith. You will have trials enough without seeking them: the full portion will be measured out to you in due season. Meanwhile, if you cannot yet claim the result of long experience, thank God for what grace you have; praise him for that degree of holy confidence whereunto you have attained: walk according to that rule, and you shall yet have more and more of the blessing of God, till your faith shall remove mountains and conquer impossibilities.

Desert

Without faith, it is impossible to please God.

Faith is something that I'm learning quite a bit about. I'm not sure if I asked God to increase my faith, although I would be foolish enough to ask for it; but I do know that I asked the Holy Spirit to do surgery on my heart.

As of the past few years, God has been very...indirect. My flesh would like to call it distance, and neglectful. It's been the cause of much pain, and by my choice, turned into much bitterness.

The past few weeks has been a (beginning) walk through this bitterness and pain, and Faith is what keeps me grounded. Faith is what keeps me believing when my heart finds no compelling reason to continue to do so.

What started this journey, I feel, is my new favorite cuss word: Desperation.

When you seek me with your whole heart, says the Lord, I will be found by you.

In this point in the game, my flesh (and heart) want to laugh at this promise. But faith is what keeps me in the game. And prayer is what keeps me pouring out my emotions (disappointment, hurt, anger, fear) to keep them from infecting my heart.

In Faith, I believe these promises to be true, whether or not I see it or feeeeeel it.

In Faith, I believe He is with me, guides me, and would never forsake (or abandon) me.

But I am very dry. I need God. I love God. And my need, I fear, is what is getting me hurt. Or perhaps it is the beginnings of my need for God that are making me afraid. I am afraid to need God and trust him. I need Him to show up if I were to trust Him, but I am terrified that He won't...because....He hasn't. But I am not yet IN NEED of Him; I am at the edge of needing and afraid to jump.

I have no yet jumped, therefore He has not had the opportunity to prove it to me. And I tell Him, I need you! I need your presence! I need your peace! But I have not actually jumped; it is not necessary yet for Him to come.

Perhaps, I want more of Him, but I do not actually NEED more of Him. And not in a bad way. It is not wrong that I don't "need" Him, in the sense that I am talking-in the sense of needing the hospital before I am sick. It's ok that I do not need the hospital yet, I'm not sick. But to be hurt and afraid that the hospital will not be there when I am in need, is foolish.

For me to go to the front desk of the hospital and say,

"I need you, are you here?"

"Yes, we are here, whenever you need us."

"Well, I need you."

"What for? Are you sick?"

"I just need to know that you are here."

"Yes. Yes, we are. You can even check our website."

But I feel that I need God. I'm insecure. I'm lonely. I'm broken.

Whatever I know, whatever He does give me, it's not sticking, it's not sustaining, and I don't know why. I need Him. I am afraid and I am hurt, because I am alone. I can't do this alone; and then fear creeps in.

A few days ago, I was sitting outside reading or something, and a girl probably about my age came running with a little boy who looked about 9 or 10. They were exercising, running side by side. They came running through the apartment complex and around the corner our of sight, presumably up the stairs. Not a moment after the two were out of sight, another little boy, maybe 5 or 6, came running through with a little girl who looked about 4. The pair got halfway through the apartment complex when they stopped. They had no idea where the older boy and girl had gone to. They had no idea which direction to go.

They were lost.

It was the little boy who realized this first and it devastated him. Standing in one spot, he and the little girl looked around. After maybe 15 seconds, the little boy dropped down to hug his knees and began crying.

It was the saddest sound I had ever heard in my life.

After seeing him start to cry, I got up in order to help them, but before I could help the older girl and boy stuck their head down from the balcony. The little girl, who probably didn't really understand what was going on our care, immediately went around the corner and up the stairs. The little boy, however, took a minute to recover. He needed a special hug and reassurance from the older girl. And as the group began to retrace their running steps, the little boy and girl were given a head start so that they would always know that the older ones would be coming behind.

I feel like this little boy.

I feel like I have lost my way and don't know what to do.

It's been a long time and I am dry.

But faith is what sustains me in this desert. God shows up here and there. He reminds me indirectly that we are connected. But I need His love, His peace, His comfort, His assurance, His blessing, His promises, His presence. I need Him to be close, not distant. I have been searching for Him and cannot find Him. And there are real, legitimate needs that God needs to fill: to man, not friends, but GOD. And I WANT God to fill those needs. I miss Him, and I don't want to live without Him.

So faith is what sustains me.

In Faith, I believe that He is Good.

In Faith, I believe that He loves me.

In Faith, I believe that He guides and directs my steps.

In Faith, I believe that He is real.

In Faith, I believe that He can be found.

In Faith, I believe that He is pleased with me, or He would show me otherwise.

In Faith, I believe that He hears my prayers whether I feel that He does or not

In Faith, I believe that the prayers of a righteous man avails much (is powerful and effective)

In Faith, I believe that His promises are true.

In Faith, I believe that He is finishing the work that He began in me.

In Faith, I believe that He is pleased with me.

I have no feelings to back this up, actually my feelings tell me this stuff is crap. BUT in Faith I believe it to be true.

So, in faith, I believe that as I put in the work to seek Him, to keep feeling this way (instead of suppressing it), and to deal with my issues by continually pouring out my emotions before God in prayer, HE is faithful to me...in whatever way that means. And that when I really DO need Him, His timing will be perfect, and He will be found by me.

So to finish the verse:

Without faith it is impossible to please God,

[Why?]

Because anyone who comes to him must first believe that he exists

[which takes a lot of faith, actually!]

and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him

[which can be an exceedingly difficult thing to believe when your feelings of reality are screaming in your ears]

Without faith, you couldn't believe he existed. Without faith, half the time we wouldn't believe seeking him is worth it! So without faith, we could never please God! We wouldn't believe in him-which wouldn't be very pleasing to Him- and we wouldn't seek him-which can't be very pleasing either!

But, I'm tired, to say the least, and dry.

Luckily, deserts don't last forever.

[Side note]

So looking up the spelling for desert, since I didn't want to say dessert, I came across these fun definitions.

In Faith, I believe my situation is a noun and not a verb.

Amen.

desert 2 |ˈdezərt|nouna dry, barren area of land, esp. one covered with sand, that is characteristically desolate, waterless, and without vegetation.• a lifeless and unpleasant place, esp. one consisting of or covered with a specified substance • a situation or area considered dull and uninteresting :
desert 1 |dəˈzərt|verb [ trans. ]abandon (a person, cause, or organization) in a way considered disloyal or treacherous• [usu. as adj. ] ( deserted) (of a number of people) leave (a place), causing it to appear empty • (of a quality or ability) fail (someone), esp. at a crucial moment when most needed

Never fully answered

"As I drove home, the deepest part of me cried out to God, 'Oh Savior, why?

Why is it so difficult for my friend Merwis and others like him to understand about You?'

To this day, that question has never been fully answered."

David Leatherberry

Afghanistan: My Tears

Pg 152

To Remember

Juvenile Justice in America pg 84

"Finally [...] [they] followed up on a sample of serious adolescent female delinquents and found neither marital attachment nor job stability to be strongly related to female desistance [as those were found to be reasons for both male and female delinquents to quite crime]. Instead, desisters underwent a cognitive shift, or transformation, in which they experienced successful "hooks for change." These hooks "facilitated the development of an alternative view of self that was seen as fundamentally incompatible with criminal behavior."

Important. Never forget.

Praise Be to the One and Only God!

Thank you God! That you are ALIVE! You are a living God! You are not dead, you are not made of wood or stone. You were not crafted by my hands and I cannot bend you to my will! Thank you God! That you are GOD. That you hear our cries and you respond to us! Thank you God that you are not far away, you are not distant. You are living and active in this world and our lives! You are continually moving among us, setting the captive free, answering prayer, and healing the sick!

You, the most High God, have promised to live in me, to do life with me, to love me and guide me. And you are faithful to do all that you've promised. Thank you God for coming to us, for rescuing us, for favoring us and living among us. Thank you God that we are your people and you are our God. A living God, a listening God, a loving God, a relational God.

You are separate from me. You have your own mind, your own will. I cannot put my words in your mouth, I cannot tell you what to do. I am submitted to YOUR will, my life is surrendered to your Life, my decisions are submitted to your Desires. I am no longer my own. Thank God!! Thank you that I am not god! Thank you that I am not in charge! Thank you that it is not MY will to be done! Thank you that you are greater than I; thank you that you are God.

I praise you God! You are ALIVE! You are REAL! You are a loving father; you are justice and goodness and faithfulness and love. You are jealous for us. You are beautiful and fierce and dangerous. You are everlasting. You were here before me, and you shall Be when I am not. Gracious God, thank you! Praise you. All that you do is right; and you make Right out of our wrong. Praise you! Thank you that you are in control of all things! That nothing matters. The wrong done to me, the pain inflicted on my heart, it matters not! It is such a little thing in light of eternity, where death is no more and every tear shall be wiped away.

Thank you that all authority was given to your Son at the cross. Thank you that he has come to make his home in me; that His spirit communes with my spirit. He is my guide, He is my prophet, my priest, my counselor, my guide. Thank you that you have given me all power and all authority of the darkness of this world. We are in a war, one that's end has been determined, but one we still fight to rescue others from becoming causalities. But you have given us all power over our enemy. Thank you God! We have all that we need!

Thank you God that I am no longer bound by my former self! You no longer see my failures, my mistakes, or my sins; instead, these were given to your Son to bear, and I was given His righteousness! He took the cost of my failure, and I was given the gift of His righteousness and perfection. Thank you God! I have been forgiven! I am free! I am FREE! Praise God! I've submitted my life to you and you have given me freedom! Now, to live a life of love to you. A life characterized by thankfulness and love; of dignity and respect. One worthy of the calling you have bestowed upon me. To live a life that is free! Free from sin and darkness, one that honors the King of Kings! Lived not because of obligation but out of desire and gratefulness.

Praise be to God! The Most High! The Living God! Shout His Praises from the mountaintops! Tell the world that He is God and that He is worthy of Praise! Tell them what He has done for them! He has freed them! He desires relationship with us! Praise Him, Holy One! Hallelujah! Hallelujah God! Holy One!

You are not stone or wood, that you are dead. But You are alive! You are above all else! You are obligated to no man! You are God! Worthy of all Praises! We humble ourselves, God, and ask you to walk with us, be with us, commune with us; help us to live worthy of you! Let us not take you for granted, but remember what You've done and who You are!

Yes, gifts are nice. Yes, "happy birthdays" are great.

But what I'm really thankful for are the things people do and say that make the day better. The things they did that show me that I'm seen and they add to my life in a way that mattered and made a difference.

I don't need gifts, I don't need money, I don't even need words or actions necessarily.

That's why I don't like to give birthday cards or say happy birthday.

Your birthday is a celebration of your life on earth. If I'm going to celebrate a person's life, showing them that I am happy they are on this planet, then God forbid me to simply SAY it to them on the day when your obligated to. I don't want a reminder that someone was born and for me to throw a remark their way. I don't want to celebrate simply because "it's what you do." No, I want to make sure that they KNOW that I am THANKFUL that they were born.

Happy day of your birth! We are better because you are here. I appreciate your life.

So yes, the wishes of happiness and prosperity are good.

But it was the thoughtful unsolicited action that brightened my morning. It was the cancelled class so that I could have free time that showed me I was appreciated. It's the kind words of encouragement and support on days that aren't obligations, that remind me I am seen.

I think, when I have a family, I want to have unbirthday days. Spontaneous nights where I have a birthday celebration for my son or my daughter or my husband. Days that we celebrate that that person is alive, and how thankful we are for them.

I want to send birthday cards at wrong dates of the calendar. Because on THAT day, I am celebrating and appreciating their life. Perhaps in person this will be different because then I can do some physical act or gesture to show love and appreciation on the day they were born. But again, if it's only shown on the day that STRANGERS are obliged to say "Happy birthday" then I think it's pretty cheap show of affection.

This is exemplified by the infamous (to me) "Happy birthday Emily!"

So, as I am thankful for all the kind gestures (which I really DO appreciate them!), I am very thankful for the early present of an intimate childhood companion, the morning surprise that helped me get out of bed, the funny voicemail that made me smile, the cancelled class that allowed me to enjoy stolen moments of this busy day, and the future dinner with a man that shows appreciation for the day of my birth EVERY day.

And this is how I celebrate my life. By people that see, participate in, and support my life.