Spring Break

These are my adventures in Video and Picture form on my Spring Break 2010. They are not in the order of eventful...ness...

Grace applied to my Screwed up Self

3/24/10

His love for me didn't change did it?

Just because Im saved doesn't mean I now have to earn it.

It simply means Im free.

He never identified me with the sin, he only saw me.

He doesn't identify me with my sin, he only sees me.

He only sees me.

The one that he loves.

I am the one that he loves.

Its not "now you're saved, repay me"

Its "now you're saved, you're free"

When I wasn't saved, I couldn't be with him.

Now that I'm saved, I can be with him.

Nothing else changes, except that I'm free.

I should tell people about this amazing freedom!

I should help people walk in a fuller freedom than they know now.

I can help teach and guide them, as others teach and guide me.

It's not my job, it's my desire.

It's not your job, Emilie. It's not your requirement. It's what you'll want to do. He just made your direction clear. Now that you know, go tell others. Spread the word of this Wonder! I was Lost and now Im Found! I was Blind but now I See! I was Dead but now I am Alive! I was a Prisoner but now I am Free!

How easy, to tell such good news! It's not my job, it's my pleasure!

There is no one who can save like Jesus can.

There is no better way to live!

How amazing is this grace, unearned and undeserved. Never to be tried to pay back.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

From the Book

"What's So Amazing About Grace"

By Philip Yancey

Sin:"The bible's many fierce passages on sin appear in a new light once I understand God's desire to press me toward repentance, the doorway to grace. Jesus told Nicodemus, 'For God did not send his son in to thebworld to Condemn the world, but to save the world through him.' In other words, he awakes guilt for my own benefit. God seeks not to crush but to liberate me. 'It is the saints who have a sense of sin,' as Father Danielou says, 'The sense of sin is the measure of a soul's awareness of God.'"

***

"The opposite of sin is grace, not virtue"

***

"One who has been touched by grace will no longer look on those who stray as 'those evil people' or 'those poor people who need our help.' Nor must we search for signs of 'loveworthiness.' Grace teaches us that God loves because of who God is, not because of who we are.

"Categories of worthiness do not apply. In his autobiography, the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche told of his ability to 'smell' the inmost parts of every soul, especially the 'abundant hidden dirt at the bottom of many a character.' Nietzsche was a master of ungrace. We are called to do the opposite, to smell the residue of hidden worth.

"In a scene from the movie Ironweed, the characters played by Jack Nicholson and Meryl Streep stumble across and old Eskimo woman lying in the snow, probably drunk. Besotted themselves, the two debate what they should do about her.

"Is she drunk or a bum?" Asks Nickolson

"Just a bum. Been one all her life."

"And before that?"

"She was a whore in Alaska."

"She hasn't been a whore all her life. Before that?"

"I dunno. Just a little kid, I guess."

"Well a little kid's something. It's not a bum and it's not a whore. It's something. Let's take her in."

"The two vagrants were seeing the Eskimo woman through the lens of grace. Where society saw only a bum and a whore, grace saw 'a little kid' a person made in the image of God no matter how defaced that image had become."

***

I marvel at Jesus' tenderness in dealing with people.

John gives the account of Jesus' impromptu conversation with a woman at a well.

In those days the husband initiated the divorce: this samaritan woman had been dumped by five different men

Jesus could have begun by pointing out what a mess the woman had made of her life.

Yes he did not say, "young woman, do you realize what an immoral thin you're doing, living with a man who is not your husband?"

Rather he said, in effect, I sense you are very thirsty.

Jesus went on to tell her that the water she was drinking would never satisfy

and then offered her living water to quench her thirst forever.

I try to recall this spirit of Jesus when I encounter someone of who I morally disapprove.

This must be a very thirsty person, I tell myself.

I once talked with the priest Henri Nouwen just after he had returned from San Francisco.

He had visited various ministries to AIDS victims and was moved with compassion by their sad stories.

"They want love so bad, it's literally killing them," he said.

He saw them as thirsty people panting after the wrong kind of water.

When I am tempted to recoil in horror from sinners, from "different" people, I remember what it must have been like for Jesus to live on earth.

Perfect...sinless...

Jesus had every right to be repulsed by the behavior of those around him.

YET, he treated notorious sinners with mercy and not judgement.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

I don't want to resign myself to the idea that God loves me simply because he said so.

Show me.

I don't want to believe that God loves me simply because someone told me he does.

Show me.

Do you love me?

Yes-

Show me.

I don't want to just trust it, I want to know it.

You say that it is this way.

Show me.

I don't want to always be beating back my true feelings and following my mind.

RESIGN myself to knowledge. SETTLE for the story.

The old testament is not the New Testament.

The relationship then is different than what it can be now.

Show me.

I want to see it. I want to feel it. I WANT IT TO BE A REAL RELATIONSHIP!

I don't want to be given a picture and be told, "Don't worry, this person loves you. See! They sent you a card."

Can't He come see me himself? Cant He show me his love and care in person?

Sometimes he goes no trip, so I remember his love and wait for his return. But for one that has left and not come back….how do you stay faithful? With no card, with no calls, with no care?

To just trust it?

What happens when it becomes just words with no action?

Do you love me?

---no answer

Does he love me?

---yes he does, they say

How do I know?

---he wrote it down

---he told you before

Where is he now?…What happens now? Do I just settle with a stale remembrance of the past?…I guess that is enough…but does it really have to be that way?

Is this really as hard as its supposed to be?

Can I ask to be shown? Or do I quiet my restless heart and keep chugging away, chanting in the back of my mind the mantra that keeps me going….he loves me, he loves me, he loves me.

Do I ask too much when I want to be shown again?….I would tell others, of course not! It would be understandable if a wife were neglected, it wouldn't matter what he said, or what had done in the past, love is a daily thing. Does she have to do something in order to be shown that love? (i.e. she can only feel neglected if she puts into it, and he doesn't reciprocate. If she doesn't put into it, she can't blame him for being so distant….but is it really her move first? Was it ever her move first?)

Christ moved first. Does he still move first when you're saved, or is it your turn?

Our relationships with people effect how we view God. Word for word these ideas were developed from my past relationships….the unhealthy ones. It is interesting. I know in my mind and in my heart that they were unhealthy. That they were unfair to me. But for the life of me, I can't shake the principles that caused me to act the way that I did. That deep belief that I was to act in a way that facilitated an unhealthy relationship.

Which came first, though. Was it the human relationships that developed the principles that I put on to God? Or was it my principles with God which I use with people?

Stories

3/18/10

1AM

God you have had your hand on my whole life and I have never seen it. You have rescued me from terrible positions I never knew I could be in. You've given me talents and knowledge that could only come from you. You have protected me and orchestrated my steps but I have never seen you. That frustrates me. But I read the stories of those long dead, of ruth of esther of daniel of shad mesh and abed, and they never saw you or heard you. They simply just followed what you taught and you orchestrated their steps gave them words, protected them , and they never knew. Until the day your glory was revealed. Increase my faith.

_____

You honor God, he honors you

The Funny Thing About People

3PM 3/18/10 (As written to myself in texts)

When I realized that they are just kids, no matter what they say or what they show, they are scared and trying their best just like me. Then all my expectations were released. And I could look at them like people, like equals and I stopped needing them to be…something other than what they were. The were just like me. Truth is, they cant give me what I need. They are in way over their heads too. They are just trying to survive, trying to find someone who can give them what they need. That's the funny thing about people, no matter how old they are or what they show, sometimes they are still just scared kids.

Late Night Thoughts

3/19/10 (these were texts I sent myself in the witching hours)

I've always wanted to walk with God but perhaps I just don't have what it takes. Ive always wanted to be special, chosen, significant in Gods eyes but you can't demand such a thing, it just has to happen to you. Or you are a normal person who gets thrown into extraordinary circumstances-like Job or Daniel...They weren't special like Isaiah or Samuel or Moses or Abraham. Those other men just chose differently when a time came. I think there is becoming a respectful distance between me and God. I always wanted to be Isaiah or Elijah or Moses but especially Enoch. I've always wanted to see God and walk with him. But I think I'm Daniel or Job. The just lived righteously because of what they were taught. They were nothing special. I think I've tried to force God down here and he's not coming. Hes close and intertwined in my life, guiding my steps but I'm no moses where I can go speak to him . Not like that…how heartbreaking. This normal life. Its like the death of a dream. (where does the new covenant come into all this?)

__

In my young prideful naive self, I really believe I can refuse God. That I can know him, that I can make judgment calls. Who am I? Nobody. Who am I to refuse God?

__

Maybe it is like Narnia. I wish I were the kids who found favor in his eyes. Who served a purpose. The others never really got to know him. But in the end he was close to them for a time and then he left. And they were on their own. Until he was needed again. Maybe sometimes we fight our battles with him visible by our sides and sometimes we are unaware of his work.

Unable to Sleep

3/14/10
"Oh Emilie" she said matter-of-factly "Everyone knew." She said it so carelessly, as if it were yesterdays gossip and not a big deal. She probably didn't mean it how it sounded but it still struck a deep nerve.
Maybe its true….
"Yea but you don't know how many, and what it cost me, and how hard it was!" I replied harshly, a little too harshly for someone who has been "over it" for quite some time. Whatever "over it" means.

Maybe everyone did know, but no one had the guts to do anything about it. They were silent. I'm not sure whats worse, those who didn't know but should have, or those that knew and did nothing….no, I know whats worse. The second. You are responsible for what you know. And some people did. They knew what went on, but they sat back, figured it wasn't their problem. Maybe they hid behind God, "Oh, he'll tell her! Its not my business" To use God as a shield for your cowardice, your passivity.

They didn't know what it had cost me. They had no idea. It may be common knowledge now. It was a secret I had tried to keep safe for a long time; halfway believing that it was my fault. More than half, if I'll be honest. "If I had been…if I were…If I had done….then this wouldn't have…he wouldn't have…I could have…"

But its all wrong. All of it.

And those that knew. How could you? You were supposed to be my brother! You were supposed to protect me and you knew what was going on! What were you thinking?? How can I trust you? How can I forgive you?

Everyone knew, but no one cared enough to help. Everyone knew, but no one felt "called" to lend a hand. If everyone knew, then why did I do this alone?
Why was I alone?

I know why I was alone. I put up a good face. I suck it up like a good Christian and plow ahead while bowing politely and saying "Bless you!' and "God is good!" while my insides are burning and my life is falling apart. "God, just let me get through this day" was a constant prayer. At home, I had all the time in the world to think….and thinking was my worst enemy.

I remember when my "good days" were few and far between, and how much I coveted the life that came with them, a respite, the breathe at the surface while overall I was drowning. Then the "bad days" would come like an ill favored guest.

I remember when I told Carrie that there were more "good days" than bad. I remember how pleased I was, I felt like I was moving forward, onward, upward.

I think it took longer, because of all the set backs that happened. All the new news that found it necessary to make its way to my attention.

Very quickly I understood the phrase, "No news is good news."
It has two meanings actually
1) The fact that there is no news, is incredibly awesome
2) If there is news, it will inevitably be bad
I know both of these meanings intimately

Time heals all wounds….does it? God uses time, to be sure. Time alone probably can't heal all wounds. But with the passing of time, things have healed. I am so thankful that my good days way outnumber the bad. I am happy. More happy than I can ever recall being in the past. I feel free and able to live. So don't be mistaken: my life is incredible, and I would never switch my life for anyone's.

As I look back, I realize more and more how much I could never have gotten this far without my friends who love me. Even those that don't know as much, it doesn't matter. I know that they love me unconditionally, and that's what I needed and that's what I need. I am forever indebted to my friends. Thank you for listening to my tears, to my rantings, to my joys, and my fears. Thank you for feeding me the truth with patience, when I could no longer find what's true myself. I love you all so much, and each of you have impacted me more than you could ever imagine. You are all amazing women of God, and one day I hope to be like you. Fur realz, I wouldn't have made it without you. I am very VERY blessed.

However,recently I have been frustrated that I am not "as over it" as I feel that I should be or believed that I was. I'm not in love with the fact that careless words still feel like a slap. I don't enjoy being haunted by memories. I don't care for the fear that still lingers inside of me; the deep venom that still comes up every once and again; the deep hurt that I still feel due to a number of related things.

But the author and finisher of this faith said that He would fix it as if it had never happened.
I know that it wasn't by happenstance that this all occurred, even the messed up parts. I know that I wasn't alone for it; and I know that parts of this story that I am still angry about happened for very specific and intentional reasons…
~~~~~but that doesn't make it hurt less
~~~~~but I still can't sleep at night
~~~~~but I still want to chew them out big time
~~~~~but I still have to write this all out at 1AM so it doesn't fester.
~~~~~but I'm still angry at you, God.
I'm Sorry…
......But
...........I Am
..................Still
.......................Very
..............................A. N. G. R. Y.

Sometimes I am sorry for this
Sometimes I am afraid of this
Sometimes I feel guilty for this
Sometimes I feel wrong for this
Sometimes I don't care

It's because I still don't Understand you God.
Who are you?
You're the God who loved us so much that you sent your son to die for us
But you're also the God who became angry and burnt up the outskirts of the Israelite village.
You demand respect, simply because of who you are
But you love me so terribly much, you come and rescue me when I am no good to you at all
You are justice. You hate sin.
You are mercy. You are grace.
You are holy.

But what does this mean? How do I act? What can I do? not do? how do I be? what do I get away with? when do you smite me? what if I cursed you?

I've run out of answers.
I need your help.
Show me grace God, I have no idea what I'm doing.
Fix this. Please.
Help me to sleep.

Nothing at all

3/13/10
Have you ever had those times when you feel like you have so much inside of you waiting to come out....and yet you can't figure out any sort of medium to express it?
Have you ever had something on the tip of your tongue, but your memory isn't quick enough to recall it....but you can FEEL that it's RIGHT THERE?
Have you ever searched for something and you KNOW that you know that you know that it's around here SOMEwhere...but it eludes your discovery?

I feel as if I've been in a perpetual state of this...this whatever it is.
I'm full to the brim but I can't express it adequately...in any medium. I'm not a good enough painter, sketcher, photographer, violist, writer, speaker, sculptor to get it out of my mind. There is no sort of paper, or string, or clay, or camera, or canvas that could capture it. Even if I could, I don't even know what I would do. Which brings me to my next point...

What is even IN my mind? I have no idea. I just know it's there; rattling around in half forms and vague whispers. Nothing is fully realized, therefore when I do pick up a paint brush, I have nothing to paint. When I pick up a pencil, no words are available. It's like being in a dark room where I can feel that something is there, by me, but I can't see it. I couldn't tell you what it was; I couldn't tell you if it truly existed. All I know is that it's there, wanting to be known. Perhaps it's not ready? Perhaps I'm not patient enough? Perhaps I'm not diligent enough?

This last issue is with God and other things I'm searching for. Perhaps the postmoderns are right, maybe truth really can't be known. But it's frustrating!! I feel as if the answer is so close but always beyond my reach. Sometimes, in the minutes before I fall asleep or the dreaming moments before I wake, I think I have the answer. I'm so SURE that I have the answer...and yet when I'm awake, I have nothing. My understanding comes and goes; sometimes I have more pieces, and at other times I have less. But they never go together. That satisfying "click" when all the puzzle pieces fall into place and the whole picture is revealed, evades me. Even with simple ideas (like social justice...did I say simple? I mean terribly complex), I can't seem to grasp them. Sometimes I think I have them so I try to hold onto them. But the tighter and tighter I close my hand, the more and more slips through my fingers until I only have a fraction of what I had before.

And unless the other person has felt, seen, touched the same things I'm trying to get at, forget about trying to explain it to others. If they haven't experienced it, they will just look at you like you should be admitted.

I wish I could be like those that are good at something. The writer, the actor, the painter, the player, the photographer. To just be able to have an outlet-but I feel as if I have none, and it frustrates me so! I want to be creative so badly, but I have no original ideas. I want to create, but I have nothing to make! I want to write but I have nothing profound to say! When I was young, I would look up quotes of people. They had such insight it seems. I wonder if they felt as I do now. Like they have nothing to say, or to contribute, or to make. I wonder if they just lived, and it just happened, without intention; flowing from the core of their being.

I wonder if its just in a person, or if its something they work at-to matter. I wonder if they tried. Somedays, I don't have the patience or the discipline to try to matter. So I chuck it all and say, "Ok God. I matter not. Therefore I'll just be and you sort out all the pieces. K? K bye!" And that seems to work fine. Then other days come, the days when I remember I have nothing and am nobody, and I wonder if thats ok? And then I think it's not ok. Maybe I am actually supposed to try, and because I'm not trying (because I can't get it OUT even if I HAD something), I'm living up to less than my potential.

What is potential anyway? My Mac dictionary says its this:

potential |pəˈten ch əl|
adjective [ attrib. ]
having or showing the capacity to become or develop into something in the future : a two-pronged campaign to woo
potential customers. See note at latent .

noun
1 latent qualities or abilities that may be developed and lead to future success or usefulness : a young broadcaster with
great potential | the potentials of the technology were never wholly controllable.
• (often potential for/to do something) the possibility of something happening or of someone doing something in the
future : the crane operator's clear view reduces the potential for accidents | pesticides with the potential to cause cancer.

2 Physics the quantity determining the energy of mass in a gravitational field or of charge in an electric field.

Frankly, I'm partial to the last definition. But sadly, it seems that all the other definitions have to do with some sort of work. Hmmm, that's rather discouraging. So does that mean that if we don't work at it, then we won't see the full potential? I guess that's true with a skill....I think that's true with most things.....doesn't really work for me, I'm lazy. I enjoy being lazy. Laziness is one of my favorite past times. Of course, I think the bible has much to say on the subject, most of it saying it's not ok.

I think I just get overwhelmed. There's just too much and not enough time. How can you be good at everything? How can you know all that there is to know? Can we REALLY meet our full potential. Thank God He's gracious.

What it is and What it isn't

3/13/10
This is simply me.
Perhaps too raw (we shall see).
Either way, don't expect anything.
I have nothing to say.
So I'll write what I have...which is all I have.
Welcome.
This isn't supposed to be insightful (if it turns out to be, sweet!)
This isn't supposed to be filtered (so I apologize).
It probably won't be pretty.
This isn't supposed to make sense.
This WON'T always make sense.
Some things will be understandable and you'll know what I mean.
Some will be just thoughts or feelings without background, disclaimer, or insight to who I'm talking to.
So don't assume anything.
This is for my friends, so they can follow my life and my mind.
These are the things that go through my head...oh Lord.
Take what you will, leave the rest.
Comment if you like, you're my friends.
I want to hear if you have help for me, comments, encouragement, love, anger, similar feelings.
However, this is primarily for me
Some themes will be revisited as I find it necessary to revisit
So I apologize if things get repeated (just skip them if you'd like)
Know that I exaggerate
So also know that
1) I love my life
2) I am NOT suicidal
3) I believe that I am beautiful
4) It wasn't my fault
5) I truly love people, I just need to heal
6) This is not always an accurate reflection on how I feel day to day
7) Part of the reason I DONT feel this way day to day is because

I write out/get out/scream out exactly how I feel at the time I feel it
8) I AM saved, regardless of how it may seem or look
9) More than anything else, I love God, and I owe him everything

With all that said, let's take this journey together, shall we?

This. Is. Me.
To the depths...