Late Night Thoughts

3/19/10 (these were texts I sent myself in the witching hours)

I've always wanted to walk with God but perhaps I just don't have what it takes. Ive always wanted to be special, chosen, significant in Gods eyes but you can't demand such a thing, it just has to happen to you. Or you are a normal person who gets thrown into extraordinary circumstances-like Job or Daniel...They weren't special like Isaiah or Samuel or Moses or Abraham. Those other men just chose differently when a time came. I think there is becoming a respectful distance between me and God. I always wanted to be Isaiah or Elijah or Moses but especially Enoch. I've always wanted to see God and walk with him. But I think I'm Daniel or Job. The just lived righteously because of what they were taught. They were nothing special. I think I've tried to force God down here and he's not coming. Hes close and intertwined in my life, guiding my steps but I'm no moses where I can go speak to him . Not like that…how heartbreaking. This normal life. Its like the death of a dream. (where does the new covenant come into all this?)

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In my young prideful naive self, I really believe I can refuse God. That I can know him, that I can make judgment calls. Who am I? Nobody. Who am I to refuse God?

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Maybe it is like Narnia. I wish I were the kids who found favor in his eyes. Who served a purpose. The others never really got to know him. But in the end he was close to them for a time and then he left. And they were on their own. Until he was needed again. Maybe sometimes we fight our battles with him visible by our sides and sometimes we are unaware of his work.