Miss you...
I think when people say "I miss you" they really mean "I wish you were here"
When people say "I miss you" I think they are meaning "I miss you, I want to talk to you."
And then what follows invariably confuses and frustrates me, because the "I miss you" is it. There is no call, there is no trying to regain connection. It's simply a statement- I miss you.
So I think FINALLY, during a sleepless nap, I have found the key.
"I miss you" doesn't mean, I want to talk to you.
It means "I miss you, I miss your life with me. I wish you were here so that we could have relationship."
It's a nostalgic statement; a longing for what was.
It doesn't require that work will be done for the friendship to continue or grow, it simply means that what we had meant something, and I wish we still had that.
And that TOTALLY makes sense!!
What I always thought it meant was "I miss you, I want to talk with you so we can have relationship." So when someone says "I miss you" it follows that they WANT something to change and have the ability to change it, through a phone call, a text etc etc
But most of the times a text or a facebook post is it, "I miss you." There is no response, even if a reply was made.
I am of the family of "I miss you, let's talk"
I miss you, so I want to talk with you. When can we make this happen?
It's not a nostalgic longing of the past. It's an awareness that I miss you, something is lacking, so it needs to be fixed.
It's even better when people (sadly I am not included in this), simply think "I miss you!" and therefore call or text to bridge that lacking gap. The skip the "I miss you"s and go immediately to the fix. Because these people really miss you.
The other people, just miss what was. If they really missed you and wanted relationship, why don't they call? It doesn't make sense!
If they missed you and it bothered them, why don't they remedy the situation? Instead, they just sit in their awareness, doomed forever to miss and never to have.
So to those who miss, there are two responses:
"I miss you" "Yea, we had some great times."
or
"I miss you" "Ok, then call me. Set up a date"
I, of course, am not terribly wonderful at keeping in touch. I miss people on a regular basis. But when I have the time or ability, instead of saying "I miss you" and leaving it at that, I make plans to talk, because I MISS THEM. Saying to them that "I miss you" is not enough. What does that help? Now they know I miss them, but I'm not serious enough about this twinge in my heart to DO anything about it.
Now, there are those times where it takes me FOREVER to talk to someone I've been missing for a while- such as paige or abbey. In which case, I've neglected the friendship for so long that I need to just throw them a bone. "Hey, I just want to let you know I miss you ALOT, and I suck at calling. I'm SORRY!! How are you?" At least then, there is a tiny fix to my overall problem; a bandaid to the gaping wound that is this lack of relationship. But the people I love and who love me, are important to me. I like to take care of them. And although I don't talk to them as much as I NEED or they NEED or we SHOULD, I still want to communicate to them that I care, I love, and I miss through ACTION more than just words.
Words, as many know, are cheap.
Monday
Monday's aren't usually the preferred day of the week to look forward to. Usually it's Friday because then the weekend comes. But today is Saturday and I am SO looking forward to Monday!!!!
Why? Because Adam comes on Monday, God willing!
I say God willing because it's true. Through this whole process of dating, time together has been elusive. It seems like the stars have to align in a magical way in order for us to be together. This time is no exception. However, as of now, we have a place to stay, we have a job, and really, it's just the car that needs to stay reliable- which of course is in God's hands, and possibly with the help of duct tape and Elmer's glue.
But hopefully, if all goes well, Adam will be here Monday late afternoon.
And then guess what?!?
We have a YEAR together, well at least the school year.
Do you understand how EXCITING that is??!?!?! Most couples take for granted the idea that they can BE together. Well not THIS couple!! Being together is a privilege, and one that hasn't lasted for more than three months so far. That three months was a gift, and this year will be a gift as well.
I am excited because we get to settle down a bit. We will both have a schedule and a life, and we will have to make it work. We have the opportunity to make friends as a couple, and see what kind of a couple we are. I'm excited because I don't even know what kind of couple we are!!!! I know how we are in private, but who are we going out? In groups? Everyday? At church? I don't know! I'm excited to for this. I'm excited for his friends and mine. I'm excited that it will be for more than a day or a week, but that this will be our lives, together; not as two separate people, but as a couple.
I don't even think I know how to be a couple, not in public at least. I know how to be single, and I know how to be around people with him, but I don't know how to be as a unit. When it's not just Emilie or just Adam or Adam and Emilie, but "Them"
There is one couple that I love, Anna and Yuri, who are an incredible example of this. They are so welcoming and so hospitable to everyone they meet. They can easily be separate but they are always one team- one unit. They can be apart but they are always very much together, in a way that is natural and beautiful and inviting. Both of them are engaged in loving people and they draw others in to themselves as a couple. I can't explain it well, but it's wonderful to watch.
I think what's most impressive is that they are BOTH engaged in others. I very rarely ever see both people be engaging; usually it's more the woman than the man, but I've seen the man be inviting as the woman is sitting back unengaged and unengaging. Perhaps it's personality, but as an introvert, I don't necessarily believe it. It's a genuine interest, love, and care for the people around you. It's an understanding that the people you are with are worth getting to know and being alive around.
As an individual, I understand this, but as a couple, I don't have the practice. But Anna and Yuri...they are wonderful. At Yuri's birthday, they served. Anna was a magnificent hostess, and Yuri was making sure everyone was at ease and having a great time. They were fully there, in the present moment, with the people they care about. Anna and Yuri compliment each other well and are assets to the other. As a pastor, Yuri loves people and truly has a caring heart towards others. But he has the trust in his wife knowing that she is a godly woman, with a Christ-like character, and who will also love the people he brings into their life. She is an extension of him and he is an extension of her. They do not have to worry about the other, because they are working towards a common goal will common values.
It's interesting because they can pass people from one to the other without having to worry that that person will be taken care of. If I am at the house, I can be with Yuri or Anna and I still have the same impression of being cared for. As Anna's friend, she can trust me with Yuri because he will still hold the same values and purposes that she has. At first knowing Yuri, he invited me to get to know his wife, who he is proud for me to get to know. He can easily connect me to her because he knows that she will love me the same way that he would.
I wish for the same. I want to be part of a team working for a common purpose with common values. To love people the way they deserve to be loved and being able to trust my teammate that they will uphold the same values, same purpose, and same care that I have. I want to be able to entrust my teammate with the care of a person, and to know that they will be satisfied with their experience (I know it sounds like a business, but that's the only model I can think of right now). That my teammate and I can go into a room full of people and "take the room" as it were. To be light and salt wherever we go. To be fully engaged and engaging, but as a team and not as individuals, sometimes physically separate but always together.
So I am excited for Monday. The beginning of finding out who we are and what we are made of. To discover our common purpose and goals, and to find the natural rhythm of who we are as a couple.
The Dread and Delight of Daily Devotional
Yes, I know Adam. I steal all your stuff. It's GOOD! So SUE ME!
Adam, you need to read one of the articles in the "you're never going to read this anyway" folder. You know the folder :) It's good. It's called "Your most important conversation" and it's labeled as Leadership Journal (also located at http://www.christianitytoday.com/le/thepastor/soulspirit/importantconversation.html)
But THIS article, that I stole, is GOOD stuff
Notes so I remember
Humility.
Let's just say, I'm learning it.
Of course, I did ask for it.
So here are the quick notes so I don't forget what's in my head...
Last sunday:
"We don't have God because we don't need God. Of course we NEED God, but we sure don't act like it. Honestly, we don't really BELIEVE we need God. If we really understood how much we needed God, everything would change. But as of now, we have other options."
Today in class:
"Some people become spiritually mature to the point where they are no longer tempted to lie or steal or cheat or lust or covet. However, no one out grows being tempted to be prideful and to rebel. If they say 'I don't listen to people, I listen to God' or 'I'm not under your authority, I'm under God's authority,' they probably have a problem. Satan's downfall was pride and rebellion. Ours is too. We are never too mature in Christ, to not be tempted by the snare of pride and rebellion. This is especially so in American, where we hold so highly to democracy. We vote pastor's out; that would be unheard of in other countries! If necessary, pray for God to take the pastor out, but do not rebel. If you sow rebellion, you will reap rebellion-even your kids could be effected."
My Fast:
"My physical weakness through not eating, is a sobering reminder of how really weak I am. I need God like my body needs food. I am weak always, but right now I feel and understand how really weak and dependent I am"
Bondage Breaker by Neil Anderson:
"The third channel of temptation is at the heart of the New Age movement: the temptation to direct our own destiny, to rule our own world, to be our own God"
"By appealing to the pride of life, Satan intends to steer us away from the worship of God and destroy our obedience to God. Whenever you feel that you don't need God's help or direction, that you can handle your life without consulting Him, that you don't need to bow the knee to anyone, beware: That's the pride of life."
"Remember there are three critical issues reflected in these channels of temptations. 1) the will of God, as expressed through your dependence upon God; 2) The Word of God, as expressed through your confidence in God; and 3) the worship of God, as expressed through your humble obedience to God. Every temptation that Satan throws at you will challenge one or all of these values."
-Frick! How often am I tempted and stray in these three areas? ALOT! Thank you God for grace and mercy!
Last night I had a break through, I feel.
I've been praying a lot in specific to my future's direction. Instead of making my own decisions, I wanted to seek God's opinion and for Him to direct my steps. I'm a planner, you see, and I like making plans.
But I was praying, like normal, "God what would you like? Is there anywhere that you would like me to go? I need your direction and to hear you."
However, at some point, it switched in my mind, and I began to pray, "God, I trust you with my future. I know that you are sovereign and you are faithful. You have every step of my life ordained and planned, as long as I seek after you. I am not worried about the future or what's next because I know you have planned it out and know the path. God, I pray that you reveal the steps as you see fit to me, that I would be sensitive to your voice. That when the time is right, Lord, you will give me direction, and I trust that you will speak to me. Thank you for being God. Thank you for being Good."
I expressed my confidence in His plan, in His ways, in His ability, in His timing, instead of wanting to know the way so that I could make my plans, my ways, in my ability, and in my timing.
I submitted.
After saying it so many times - I submit my future to you, I leave it in your hands- I finally, for a brief moment, really did. I really did leave it with Him. It was like, "You know? This is yours to deal with. Your much more competent, you have more connections, you understand things better. I know that you love me, you care about me, and you guide me (because your Word says so), so I know that you're not gonna lead me wrong. So here you go, this is too complicated for me, I don't want to deal with it anymore, and your much more capable. Just let me know what's up when I need to know, and we will be all good. I'll probably just ask you every once in a while, specifically, just to see if it's time yet, but if you don't let me know, I'll just know it's not time yet to know."
I trusted.
It was so refreshing. I didn't have to coordinate. I didn't have to figure it out. I didn't have to plan. I could just pass it to Him, and He would be my Life Coordinator, as it were. All I have to do is wait for Him to let me know what's the next step, maybe check in once in a while in case I missed His call cuz I was too busy.
But ultimately, the work is done.
My work, is done.
It's so nice, and I couldn't even have done it anyway.
It's nice to be a child and get taken care of. I should remember my place more often, instead of trying to be a schemer.
I need to remember that
I am human
and God is God
I need to LET GOD be GOD.
Recently.
God is on the move.
These past two weeks have been a roller coaster, as evidence by my puffy eyes and tired mind.
God has definitely been....challenging me - not to be confused with speaking to me - about my dependence and desperation for him.
This has been very moving.
A heard a man speak last sunday (one week ago) which started a Revolution in my mind and spirit. Among many wonderful things he said, I took away the hope that God can be real to us; as real to us as He was to Moses.
When we pray, He will speak. When we ask, He will show up.
My problem is that I am not desperate enough. I have options in case God doesn't speak and doesn't show up, and deep down I truly don't expect that He will anyway.
He has been showing me that just as people consult spiritists and mediums instead of God, I consult myself.
In my many decisions, I rarely seek God to the extent where it costs me something.
In my intercession, I rarely beseech God to the extent where it costs me something.
I put in my time, I ask for what I need, and if I don't see results in a fast-food minute, I move on to something "more productive" (like taking matters into my own hands).
Now, what I've learned this past week has been good, but I've also been taught something else.
Wisdom.
In specifically to Revivals, my thinking was, if I'm pure enough, pray long enough, and hard enough, God will come down. For my decisions, if I just pray long enough, God will speak. And yes, that may be true, but my heart was...a bit off in its interpretation.
In a sense, my heart was testing God. It was saying, "Ok! If I do x, and y, then God will do Z"
And when God doesn't do Z, what happens? Disappointment. Destruction of Confidence. An attack on Faith and Hope.
The problem comes with the difference between two little words: Will and Can. And in my expectation for God to do exactly what I wanted to see happen.
From the Bondage Breaker by Neil Anderson (which I totally recommend), he writes,
"God is under no obligation to us; He is under obligation only to Himself. There is no way you can cleverly word a prayer so that God must respond to it. That not only distorts the meaning of prayer but puts us in the position of manipulating God. The righteous shall live by faith in the written Word of God and not demand that God prove Himself in response to our whims or wishes, no matter how noble they may be. We are the ones being tested, not God."
Testing God is one of (at least) three main ways Satan tries to tempt us. The first is to meet our natural desires independently of God (Satan tempted Eve with fruit, and tempted Jesus with bread).
The second is to "place more credence in our own perspective of life than in God's commands and promises...Fueled by the lust for what we see, we grab for all we can get, believing that we need it and trying to justify the idea that god wants us to have it. [We] wrongly assume that God will withhold nothing good from us, we lustfully pursue materialistic prosperity....Instead of trusting God, we adopt a 'prove it to me' attitude."
Satan told Eve, "Surely you won't die!" Casting doubt on the Word of the Lord. Satan tempted Jesus with "If you are the Son of God, throw Yourself down! For it is written 'He will give His angels charge concerning you' and 'on their hands they will bear You up, lest You strike your food against a stone.'" He was trying to tempt Jesus to test God, "Prove that it's true!" But he replies, "It is written, 'You shall not put the Lord your God to the test.'"
I test God. I take God's promises, and say "Ok God, you said this...then do it." And when He doesn't, I feel cheated.
But again, the difference is between Will and Can. And my expectations of how, where, when, and what God will do.
Will means "Has to," "Guaranteed to." It expresses fact, certainty, and inevitability. And in regard to God's promises, He WILL do them. It IS a fact. But when I tag on "God will..." following something I will do, then we have a problem, ESPECIALLY when I expect the result to take a certain form.
Can means "Ability to," "Possibility of." It expresses that God is able and can do so if He wishes, but it is up to Him.
For example:
1) In God's Word He says, Seek Me and You will Find Me.
Fact. This is true. He promised that when we seek Him we will find Him. Truth.
2) When I seek God and pray today, God will speak to me in the way that I know "speaking" means to me.
Fiction. He is not obligated to perform in such a way. He CAN if He is so inclined, but it doesn't mean He WILL. God is not a vending machine that His will is subject to my actions. When I seek God and pray today, He will be found, but it may not be anything like I'm looking for or wanting.
3) When I seek Him, I will find Him.
Fact. I have not told God how and when and in what way I will find Him. I have simply applied Truth to my Life, in simple belief that when I seek Him, He will be found by me. Maybe it won't even be recognizable to me, maybe He will whisper at another point in the day; but ultimately, I know that this fact is Truth, and I can be confident that when I seek Him, He responds to me.
So my frustration is, How Do I Find God??
I pray wanting to know more about Him, and sit and wait, and I get nothing. Yes, it's frustrating. Especially since I want to seek God for God, and not God for my problems.
But I think there is a flaw in my heart about this seeking God for God and not for stuff idea.
It's very subtle, but it's huge.
Let's examine seeking God for advice.
When I go to a friend with a problem or needing direction (sound boarding), it builds the relationship.
But many times when I go to God seeking His counsel, I feel that it is NOT building the relationship.
I've said this many times, and I've heard others say this many times, especially when we haven't had quality time with God and feel guilty just asking Him for stuff and solutions and people all the time. We say, "I'm gonna seek God for God, and then when we've had quality time again, I'll continue seeking God's help in decisions, circumstances, and for intercession."
So what's the difference? I can go and seek a friend out for help, and it builds; while I seek God, and it's selfish?
The difference is I go to my friend and say "Walk with me, help me, join me" while I go to God (many times, but not always) and say "Here is my problem, Give me the answer (or fix it)."
With my friend, I'm seeking connection and intimacy with that person-I'm sharing and asking them to share, while with God I am seeking results.
But going to each other with our cares and fears and self, is how deep relationships are built. Going to God with our cares and fears and self, can also build and strengthen relationship. However, I need to expect relationship and supprot, rather than an Answer. I need to seek out His mind, His thoughts, how He feels about the subject, His opinions. He may not answer in a moment, or in the way that is most obvious, but He speaks to us: through songs, and movies, and books, and sermons, and conversations, and nature, and dreams. He may reveal it in one moment or throughout a lifetime.
And ultimately, He speaks through His word, and it's helpful when you have a specific reason for why you are seeking Him out. If you are just seeking God with no direction, you have 66 wonderful books to look through! If you have a request, or a problem, you now have a focused topic to ask God what his opinion on it is. What does God think about working? Or family problems? Or difficult relationships? Or love? Or respect?
Instead of going to God and say "God I have a problem with my family, fix, thanks, bye!" We say, "God, I'm having difficulty with my family. Please help us. Please have your hand in this family. Teach me how to be a better member of this family. God, what have you said already in regards to family? What is your heart for it? How would you act?" And then seek His Word. As we balance that with our Worship and thanksgiving and meditation, we come to a working relationship with God.
So the lessons I've been learning are:
-To be Desperate for God. That there is no other option. I NEED HIM, and I need to LIVE like it. My priorities need and are changing.
-To expect Him to move.
-To balance these with the WISDOM that:
God is obligated only to Himself and to His Word, because He is not a liar.
Therefore, I need to live according to His Word and His Promises, desperate for Him, Expecting Him to fulfill His Word with the humble understanding that His perspective is not my perspective, and that Him fulfilling His Word may look a lot different than how I want it to be (or think I need it to be)
So, the Challenge is...
To keep my expectations, while still submitting to God's will.
To have faith in His Word, expecting that He will "show up" in all of His Glory and Majesty in accordance to His Word, but in what way, I cannot imagine.
If God is dead....
In the 60's, The New York Times asked, "Is God Dead?"
Before that, Nietzsche declared, "God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him."
If God is dead then Man is dead.
In murdering God, we've murdered ourselves.
Life has no meaning, and we are without Hope.
The vision
They are free
yet they are slaves
of the hurting and dirty and dying.
What is the vision? The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.
It makes children laugh and adults angry.
It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars.
It scorns the good and strains for the best.
It is dangerously pure.
Light flickers
from every secret motive,
every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps,
their Satan games.
…And this vision will be.
It will come to pass;
it will come easily;
it will come soon.
How do I know?
Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit,
the very dream of God.
—Pete Greig, excerpted from The Vision
