Recently.

God is on the move.

These past two weeks have been a roller coaster, as evidence by my puffy eyes and tired mind.

God has definitely been....challenging me - not to be confused with speaking to me - about my dependence and desperation for him.

This has been very moving.

A heard a man speak last sunday (one week ago) which started a Revolution in my mind and spirit. Among many wonderful things he said, I took away the hope that God can be real to us; as real to us as He was to Moses.

When we pray, He will speak. When we ask, He will show up.

My problem is that I am not desperate enough. I have options in case God doesn't speak and doesn't show up, and deep down I truly don't expect that He will anyway.

He has been showing me that just as people consult spiritists and mediums instead of God, I consult myself.

In my many decisions, I rarely seek God to the extent where it costs me something.

In my intercession, I rarely beseech God to the extent where it costs me something.

I put in my time, I ask for what I need, and if I don't see results in a fast-food minute, I move on to something "more productive" (like taking matters into my own hands).

Now, what I've learned this past week has been good, but I've also been taught something else.

Wisdom.

In specifically to Revivals, my thinking was, if I'm pure enough, pray long enough, and hard enough, God will come down. For my decisions, if I just pray long enough, God will speak. And yes, that may be true, but my heart was...a bit off in its interpretation.

In a sense, my heart was testing God. It was saying, "Ok! If I do x, and y, then God will do Z"

And when God doesn't do Z, what happens? Disappointment. Destruction of Confidence. An attack on Faith and Hope.

The problem comes with the difference between two little words: Will and Can. And in my expectation for God to do exactly what I wanted to see happen.

From the Bondage Breaker by Neil Anderson (which I totally recommend), he writes,

"God is under no obligation to us; He is under obligation only to Himself. There is no way you can cleverly word a prayer so that God must respond to it. That not only distorts the meaning of prayer but puts us in the position of manipulating God. The righteous shall live by faith in the written Word of God and not demand that God prove Himself in response to our whims or wishes, no matter how noble they may be. We are the ones being tested, not God."

Testing God is one of (at least) three main ways Satan tries to tempt us. The first is to meet our natural desires independently of God (Satan tempted Eve with fruit, and tempted Jesus with bread).

The second is to "place more credence in our own perspective of life than in God's commands and promises...Fueled by the lust for what we see, we grab for all we can get, believing that we need it and trying to justify the idea that god wants us to have it. [We] wrongly assume that God will withhold nothing good from us, we lustfully pursue materialistic prosperity....Instead of trusting God, we adopt a 'prove it to me' attitude."

Satan told Eve, "Surely you won't die!" Casting doubt on the Word of the Lord. Satan tempted Jesus with "If you are the Son of God, throw Yourself down! For it is written 'He will give His angels charge concerning you' and 'on their hands they will bear You up, lest You strike your food against a stone.'" He was trying to tempt Jesus to test God, "Prove that it's true!" But he replies, "It is written, 'You shall not put the Lord your God to the test.'"

I test God. I take God's promises, and say "Ok God, you said this...then do it." And when He doesn't, I feel cheated.

But again, the difference is between Will and Can. And my expectations of how, where, when, and what God will do.

Will means "Has to," "Guaranteed to." It expresses fact, certainty, and inevitability. And in regard to God's promises, He WILL do them. It IS a fact. But when I tag on "God will..." following something I will do, then we have a problem, ESPECIALLY when I expect the result to take a certain form.

Can means "Ability to," "Possibility of." It expresses that God is able and can do so if He wishes, but it is up to Him.

For example:

1) In God's Word He says, Seek Me and You will Find Me.

Fact. This is true. He promised that when we seek Him we will find Him. Truth.

2) When I seek God and pray today, God will speak to me in the way that I know "speaking" means to me.

Fiction. He is not obligated to perform in such a way. He CAN if He is so inclined, but it doesn't mean He WILL. God is not a vending machine that His will is subject to my actions. When I seek God and pray today, He will be found, but it may not be anything like I'm looking for or wanting.

3) When I seek Him, I will find Him.

Fact. I have not told God how and when and in what way I will find Him. I have simply applied Truth to my Life, in simple belief that when I seek Him, He will be found by me. Maybe it won't even be recognizable to me, maybe He will whisper at another point in the day; but ultimately, I know that this fact is Truth, and I can be confident that when I seek Him, He responds to me.

So my frustration is, How Do I Find God??

I pray wanting to know more about Him, and sit and wait, and I get nothing. Yes, it's frustrating. Especially since I want to seek God for God, and not God for my problems.

But I think there is a flaw in my heart about this seeking God for God and not for stuff idea.

It's very subtle, but it's huge.

Let's examine seeking God for advice.

When I go to a friend with a problem or needing direction (sound boarding), it builds the relationship.

But many times when I go to God seeking His counsel, I feel that it is NOT building the relationship.

I've said this many times, and I've heard others say this many times, especially when we haven't had quality time with God and feel guilty just asking Him for stuff and solutions and people all the time. We say, "I'm gonna seek God for God, and then when we've had quality time again, I'll continue seeking God's help in decisions, circumstances, and for intercession."

So what's the difference? I can go and seek a friend out for help, and it builds; while I seek God, and it's selfish?

The difference is I go to my friend and say "Walk with me, help me, join me" while I go to God (many times, but not always) and say "Here is my problem, Give me the answer (or fix it)."

With my friend, I'm seeking connection and intimacy with that person-I'm sharing and asking them to share, while with God I am seeking results.

But going to each other with our cares and fears and self, is how deep relationships are built. Going to God with our cares and fears and self, can also build and strengthen relationship. However, I need to expect relationship and supprot, rather than an Answer. I need to seek out His mind, His thoughts, how He feels about the subject, His opinions. He may not answer in a moment, or in the way that is most obvious, but He speaks to us: through songs, and movies, and books, and sermons, and conversations, and nature, and dreams. He may reveal it in one moment or throughout a lifetime.

And ultimately, He speaks through His word, and it's helpful when you have a specific reason for why you are seeking Him out. If you are just seeking God with no direction, you have 66 wonderful books to look through! If you have a request, or a problem, you now have a focused topic to ask God what his opinion on it is. What does God think about working? Or family problems? Or difficult relationships? Or love? Or respect?

Instead of going to God and say "God I have a problem with my family, fix, thanks, bye!" We say, "God, I'm having difficulty with my family. Please help us. Please have your hand in this family. Teach me how to be a better member of this family. God, what have you said already in regards to family? What is your heart for it? How would you act?" And then seek His Word. As we balance that with our Worship and thanksgiving and meditation, we come to a working relationship with God.

So the lessons I've been learning are:

-To be Desperate for God. That there is no other option. I NEED HIM, and I need to LIVE like it. My priorities need and are changing.

-To expect Him to move.

-To balance these with the WISDOM that:

God is obligated only to Himself and to His Word, because He is not a liar.

Therefore, I need to live according to His Word and His Promises, desperate for Him, Expecting Him to fulfill His Word with the humble understanding that His perspective is not my perspective, and that Him fulfilling His Word may look a lot different than how I want it to be (or think I need it to be)

So, the Challenge is...

To keep my expectations, while still submitting to God's will.

To have faith in His Word, expecting that He will "show up" in all of His Glory and Majesty in accordance to His Word, but in what way, I cannot imagine.