Ms. Dana

Ok Ms Dana!

So I was chewing on this whole, intimidation/fear/shy/whatever thing I feel towards people sometimes and since I like writing and you seem like a procrastinator (sometimes) you may enjoy reading my random thoughts as I work this through. If you're busy, read this later; it's for pleasure, not for work. Use it as a break from....anything that you need a break from, I suppose.

Talking with you today was the first time I had really thought about my feelings/attitude toward Elyse for a while, and I've continued for a bit right now. Here are some of my thoughts (written as I think, not as an academic essay).

So I'm just gonna give you the whole truth as I've begun to understand it. I feel very protective of Elyse, actually. I really care about her, and it matters to me what happens to her in her life. I feel much closer to her than I believe our relationship warrants, and I think that makes me insecure of what to do or how to be. This may be in part because Colby (one of my best friends, and her ex-boyfriend) talks very highly of her, because my own experience with her makes me like her, or maybe a dozen other reasons I am unaware of. Either way, I care a lot about her, and I will probably care about her life long after I leave being around her. What's funny is that because of this, I don't know how to act, since I KNOW we don't have a relationship. So if I could bless her life anonymously, that would be my favorite option. I actually have significant things for her, to help bless her, but I don't want to give it to her outright because I really have no reason to care as much as I do. I would very much just like to put it in her mail box and leave.

But this is not the first time I felt this way towards a person. Especially in Master's, I would see guys and girls all the time who I would have very strong ties to and concern for, but may have ZERO relationship with them. And forever I will care what happens in their life, and I would do anything to make sure they succeed. There was one boy, Brock, who I saw on a trip our Master's did. For some reason, I "saw" him and I've always cared for him, prayed for him, and believed in him. When he ended up coming to Master's, I watched him, cared for him like he was family, but never had the opportunity to build a relationship with him (since guys and girls have a no-dating covenant their first year in Master's which pretty much limits contact with the opposite sex to zero). But even now, two years later, it really matters to me what happens to him. I still pray for him, still believe in him, and still really care about him. Something the other day made me think of him, and I almost sent him a message over facebook just to encourage him; I decided against it (so far) because, like I said, I have zero relationship with him. So I've been praying for him instead.

It's like I have "favorites," or God just ties my heart to specific people, that no matter if I ever talk to them, or if they hurt me, they will always have my loyalty and my care. Those people will always be a part of MY family, but I am not (always) a part of THEIR family, if that makes sense. Sometimes I get the privilege of really impacting, pouring into, discipling, encouraging, supporting those people that God allows me to "see." And I am free to express my concern/care/encouragement whenever I please or they need. However, with those that I don't have a relationship, but still feel this strongly toward, I think I get a bit confused. I do this too with friends of friends (example: I feel strongly towards one of Faitth's guy friends because he is a huge part of her life, but he has no clue who I am!). I feel like I can talk to them like I've known them forever, but in reality, I am a stranger to them. There was one guy I met in hobbs when I went to visit, I had never met him before that trip but after a few hours of watching him, I knew him like the back of my hand. God even told me to encourage him, which I did at length. When he came to school this year, he acted rather strangely towards me. I thought maybe I had offended him or made him feel uncomfortable (which would make sense due to the nature of our lengthy deep conversation we had 5 months before where I basically read his mail) due to his body language. So I asked him about it. Turns out he didn't even remember who I was! How awkward! And yet it was slightly relieving, I was kinda glad he didn't remember. So, although I still care about his growth and maturity, I know that (unless I feel led to say something specific) I really have no grounds to be as comfortable/chummy around him as I would be naturally inclined to do. Obviously, I'm still friendly and polite if I see him, but I don't expect him to treat me as a friend- we aren't; we are strangers really.

Maybe that's why I use cues from other people to gauge how to act. "I've met you once and I know a bit about your family. Does that mean we are friends? Acquaintances? Strangers? Were you just being polite and humoring me with answers, or did we actually connect and have a foundation to build a relationship off of? Do you make eye contact with me? Wave? Say hi back? Do you even remember my face? Should I even care? Uhhh forget it! Too much work, I'll just do whatever I feel like, when I want"....and all of this goes through my head so automatically that I don't usually even notice I do this unless I think about it (like now).

So that's my book. I hope it's been an entertaining jaunt into my mind and a much needed break from reality. This will probably go into my journal now for future reference because this is all new.

Mmmmk, that is all

Emilie