Go.

The is randomness, and I'm trying to put it together within 20 minutes before class.

Sonam Pervase.

He made me cry. But I'm not sure why.

He is a missionary to the Northern India mountain people, mostly Buddhists.

He just told his story

What got to me:

-when he was on the mountain side and cried: "Whatever you want me to do God! Just give me one! Just give me one person to disciple" because it was so difficult to get just even one person

-When he was at work in Japan. God told him to leave the job. And he looked around "you've been faithful here" and he had shared the gospel to every person there. His work was done. Even at a job, it is an in to missions

-The persecution he and his family is under. Ridiculous persecution and hate.

....

In Germany they came first for the Communists,

but I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.

Then they came for the Jews,

but I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for the trade unionists,

and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Catholics,

and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.

Then they came for me, and by that time

there was no one left to speak up.

-Martin Niemoeller speaking to the Confessing Church in Frankfurt, Jan. 6, 1946.

Day 3, actually on day 3

God, help me have eyes to see. We weren't meant to be islands, and as Christians, we weren't meant to be floaters: just going with the flow of the current. We were meant to change things, change the world, change society. We were meant to infect it. We were meant to change it's perspective by casting light on the things that were dark. We were meant to change it's flavor by being salt and adding our enhancement. You've set me on this path where my mantra has become "then change it, then change it, then change it, then change it." Whether in relationships, groups, school, organizations, society, government, or the world, if there is a problem, change it. I was taught that the only two choices you have when something bothers you are say something or get over it. If I don't say anything, I can't get mad. If I don't vote, I can't complain. If I don't change it, then I have to be ok with it staying the same. And if staying the same is unacceptable to me, then I have to do something about it. I can't wait by hoping that it will change. I am the mover of mountains, I am the facilitator, I am the destruction of the status quo.

I am, with Your help.

See a need, fill a need.

See a problem, fix it.

See the despair, be the hope.

I wasn't always like this; You know I wasn't. I was very insecure, very unassertive, but you've brought me on this journey. You have changed my thought processes without any help from me. You have altered me. You have answered prayer. And as I read my Social Work book, I realize just how successfully You have plotted my course. Without me having much conversation with You, You have guided me to a place where I am supposed to be. It all builds and all compounds on each other, every lesson You have ever taught me.

"As a social work practitioner, you will likely have to face community problems and gaps in services. As a generalist practitioner, you will probably encounter times when your agency is accomplishing tasks ineffectively, is not doing something it should do, or is simply doing the wrong thing...When such problems exist, it is the practitioner's professional and ethical responsibility to consider helping the agency improve its service provision to clients"

"Social workers are generalists who require a wide array of skills. Social workers don't pick and choose what problems and issues they would like to address. They see a problem, even a very difficult problem, and try to solve it. They must prepare themselves to help people with individualized personal problems on the one hand and to address very wide-ranging problems that affect whole organizations and communities on the other"

This is what I've been becoming. When I read this I thought, holy crap!! This, Adam, is why I felt so strongly when it came to the situation with Master's: I am a social worker, I am a fixer. This is what I was born to do, and now I can get paid to do it.

So, God, help me. Help me to have eyes to see and ears to hear. Let me to shrink away from a problem, thinking it is too big for me. You are the MASTER of social change. Numerous times (probably way more than I will ever know), You've taken individuals in oppressive, impossible circumstances, and used them to facilitate change. Lord, let me not get indoctrinated into social work dogma, but take the tools I'm learning and use them to facilitate change that YOU desire! I don't want change for change's sake, or social justice for social justice's sake. I want to keep my eyes open for the strategic change for Your kingdom and glory. Use me to be a Moses, a Daniel, a Joseph, a Deborah, an Esther, an Isaiah, a Paul, a Tabitha, an Elijah, a Teresa, a Lillian Trasher.

Lead me to the places to change, keep me from the places someone else is to change. Give me grace, patience, and trust in You. Help me to remember that You are the God of Abraham. The God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were. You make the impossible real. With You, Change IS Possible.

Help me to never forget that.

Day two, on day two

It's been a long day.

Chapel, Class, Worship Night, Reading.

Chapel: Redefining Normal by Scott Wilson

Compassion is Normal

Evangelism is Normal

Struggles are Normal

Miracles are Normal

Me: It's wonderful how when I get to the reflection part, I can't remember anything that was important. Awesome.

All day I've been thinking about my Kaio kids. Like MAJORLY thinking about them. It's amazing the kind of impact you can have on people that you don't even realize you are having. An impact that will come back YEARS later with people you barely had a relationship with. It's amazing. I want to be in that position again (amazing, seeing how burnt out I was coming out of Master's). But I realized that I am 23 years old. I remembered when I was a kid and 20 somethings came around me. I was so thirsty for their interaction. They had so much influence on me. I looked up to them. And now I am that. It's pressing on me. I am 23 years old and in the prime of my automatic influence. Seriously: I am cool. Why am I not exploiting this?!?! A junior higher would die to be around me simply because of the status my age gets me. I'm thinking the prime is through my 20s and could go well into my 30s depending on how young I look, act, or dress. Of course, I am an influencer at any age at this point, because when I'm in my 40s and 50s, I still have a ton of ability to pour into younger generations, just in a different way. Right now, I'm cool. This needs to be tapped into!! That's probably why The Pub was on my mind. It's a youth center in Waxahachie. It's also a concert venue. They allow volunteers to help during the times they are open; help to run the place. That's AWESOME! If I could do that once every week, I could do some major damage. I'm pretty excited to pursue this.

So that was a lot of what went through my mind during chapel today as he spoke about following the example of Jesus.

Prayer needs to be a more significant part of my life. I want to invite God into my days, my decisions, my relationships. I just forget. I repented during Chapel. I know that I love God, but I do neglect him. There's so much I'm learning and I want more. I really want to learn how to love and serve God better. His leading is hard to hear sometimes. Even in my prayer, reflection times, I wait and get nothing. But enough has been dropped into my heart during random points, that I have some sort of direction to go in.

Worship: CFNI

Yea, lots of reflection. Like I said earlier, my kaio kids came to my mind. I love them so much. They were like my kids- still are. I am so amazed (and shocked) at the impact that I had on them too. One boy, Christian, played the bass on the worship team. I think I had about 2 conversations with him ever. He was quiet, had his own friends, and was a boy, so I didn't really pursue him like I would the girls. But I saw a photo of him recently and boy has that kid grown up!! He is so big and handsome! He always struck me as kind of awkward and dorky, so it made my heart well up inside me, like a mom's would, when I saw how adult-ish he had become. Awww it was a proud moment. So I commented, even though he may not remember me, which could be awkward. But he totally did remember! And with Amanda too. I'm so FRICKEN excited that she is engaged and incredibly proud of her, so I told her. It's amazing that my words mean something to her. I wasn't super close with her, but she always mattered to me and I loved watching her grow.

It's just such a privilege to be involved in influencing lives. It's so humbling and so rewarding. Yes, sometimes they make me SO MAD, but I love them so much. I want the best for them, and it's such an honor that God would allow me to touch their lives. Even if it's from a distance or for a brief moment.

I want to live my life in such a way as to show others how amazing God is. I want to live a life that is unmistakably different, which seems SO DIFFICULT for me to do! I want prayer and the Spirit to radically change me life as it has never done before. I am just a normal person, but so were all the people in the early church!! They were nasty, bitter, immoral people, who drove Paul NUTS!!! Yet, the Spirit moved incredibly through them because they were open to Him. I want the Spirit to be normal for me. I don't want to feel weird to pray with people for healing. Or ask God for guidance. Yea, I SHOULD be asking God for guidance; by NOW I should have learned. But I haven't, and that sucks. I am not dependent on God.

Half the time I don't even feel like I love God. But half the time I dont feel like I love my parents either, but I KNOW that I do. So even though I don't feel it, I say it, cuz it's true.

And I don't want to sing songs I don't mean. "You're everything to me" "I'm desperate for you" Actually, You're not and I'm not. Soooo, something needs to be fixed before I should sing this.

And I don't want to say cliche Christian jargon that I really don't understand what it means-it has no meaning TO ME. For example- I exalt you. Exalt means to hold in high regard or speak highly of. But when I sing it, it's a word without meaning. That's dumb, and I don't wanna just repeat phrases as filler. Therefore, for the time, I am thinking about what I actually mean. Even saying I worship you is kind of lame from me (or lift you up, is another one). So what do I really want to say? What do I really mean? What do I think about God? I'm gonna dumb it down. I will literally say "I hold you in high regard, God." Instead of saying "you are wonderful" (unless of course wonderful carries meaning) I will say "the things I have seen you do are absolutely fantastic. I have seen you change lives in an instant. I have seen you come into the heart of my friend and warm her when she felt lost. God, thats incredible. You are incredible."

And I will give thanks. In reading leviticus and deuteronomy, I am learning what "worship" really is. It's a sacrifice. And it comes in the way of thanksgiving, friendship, repentance, or atonement (and probably some others, but this isn't a study on it, this is just from memory). So when I say "I worship you" if I'm not actually worshipping, then I shouldn't actually say that. That's lying, and I'm just filling to seem spiritual. But sometimes I don't feel like praising or I don't think God's wonderful, so I don't want to worship...sing songs, whatever. And Thanksgiving is the key. Reflecting on the things that God has done, ushers in my spirit in worship. It facilitates that awareness of the Holy God. Therefore, I'm changing my systems to 5-10-5-365. 5 minutes of thanksgiving every morning. To start the day with an awareness of HOLY CRAP THIS IS GOD!!! wooooww. To have that awestruck, child-like wonder of God.

To give thanks of not just broad abstract concepts like "family" or "freedom" or "friends" but specifics. Things that I am really thankful that I've seen God do in my life or in other's lives. Specific relationships and WHY I am thankful for them. This awakens the heart, and ignites sleeping feelings.

So recap.

The Pub

Thankfulness

The end

Day two.

Day one, but on day two.

10-5-365

This is the beginning of my journey of discipline.

Let's face it; I am NOT disciplined and I have NOT been disciplined for a very long time. I am an instant gratification type of person, and I have always known that. I have been trying for many years, to be a lady of discipline, of prayer and of devotionals. However, something always "better" comes along to get my time or energy or allegiance. Now, I would love to say "NO MORE!" but I know myself. I know that this type of discipline is a life long process and a DAILY struggle probably till the end of time (insert dramatic music here). Bottom line, I know myself better than that.

God has been telling me for a LONG time, to just spend time with Him…CONSISTENTLY and in a manner that is not already scheduled for me already (I.e. Chapel). I should be having consistent time feeding myself with the spirit in order to be equipped for each days challenges. And yes, even when I am disciplined, there will be days when it is just not possible to meet up with God for a set apart time with him, just like there are days when I am not able to have significant talking time with Adam. But I am much better at setting aside time for Adam than I am God, and there are a number of reasons why that is, but none of them really matter.

I just need to discipline myself.

So that brings us to today. My GOAL which is rather lofty for me, I must admit, since I never finish anything I start, is to spend at least 10 minutes a day with God (whether that is in worship, reflection, meditation, prayer, or reading), 5 minutes of reflection writing (which I will post here, and this is probably the part that will keep me on track the most), for 365 days straight.

Can I do it? I'm not sure, but I'm going to try. And just because I've failed in doing this…pretty much overtime for the past…5 years is it? Doesn't mean that I shouldn't try again. God, of course, is worth it. And truly, 10 minutes isn't really that much. What's funny is when I start praying or getting alone with God, I could be gone for hours!! The first minute is the hardest because THAT's the minute I have to start! Starting is the hardest thing. So once I get into 10 minutes, I may go much longer than that.

So what did I learn today?

Well Chapel's speaker today- Scott Wilson- had good things to say. It wasn't a sermon as much as it was a sharing of his journey. It was REALLY good, but difficult to take notes because there was no three points. But there was a lot of really good "sayings"…or advice…or whatever you want to call it.

Things that stuck out to me for me….

In your calling or "doings" don't live your life for yourself, to make money, make decisions based on your family, (obviously this is with wisdom), get you speaking gigs, get you hired, earn you more money, get you more fame

-All you have to do is follow him. By praying seeking, following. You don't have to coordinate your success or your provision or you family's provision (He WILL Take care of them), instead, humble yourself under His mighty hand and HE will raise you up. He will mold you and shape you and when you are ready, he will set you up.

Analogy-cooking. Those that seek their own success and betterment will be taken out too early and will fall. But God will take you out (of the oven) when you are ready to serve.

The Cost. We don't ever really know the cost when we say "yes" to God. Yes! I want to be great! Yes! I want to do great things for God! But will I drink the cup?….

Well…that's why we are starting with doing Devos.

We want to be used by God but when the time comes to drink the cup, we feel like God failed us, that it wasn't supposed to be this way. We get hurt.

We want to be used by God but when he uses us we feel….used.

Where is my security?

I will never be in a place, save enough people, do enough things, know enough people to make me feel secure. (i.e. when I'm "insert" then I'll be confident, or have made it)

Security will never come. Security can only come from going on your knees and asking God what He thinks.

SO SEEK HIM.

We ask him for vision and direction.

And he doesn't.

But if he gave us everything, if we knew everything, if we saw the whole picture, it would freak us out. (and III for one, freak out about EVERYTHING, so I'm glad he doesn't tell me even though I ask)

It would be too hard, too much hurt, too much responsibility, too much cost.

Instead of asking what the vision is (although yes, there are times to ask for vision. When the leader doesn't have vision, the people perish)…maybe I should say don't ask for what the journey is

Instead ask "what should I focus on" or "how can I better love people and serve them" or "today, how can I better love you God" or 'how can I have this relationship be honoring to you?"

Ask for today, don't worry about tomorrow.

Do not be conformed to the patter of this world (don't worry about what they worry about, or go after what they go after) but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Just seek him, don't worry about your promotion or provision or your families future or care. He will provide as he provides for the lilies of the fields or the birds of the air.

Success is obedience

It is not something that if you study hard for, you can achieve it 10 years.

Success is obedience and you can do that today.

_____

So my prayer time. I prayed.

Something I read from one of my school books...an article "So you want to Be a Missionary?" was stuck in my brain.

It's not that I actually want to be a missionary per se, but it was just a part of the article that stuck out

"Be sure you know that working for Jesus is not work for hire. You did not earn your way onto his work force, and therefore you must not expect wages from him"

I'm not sure what exactly I was feeling, thinking, or praying that had to do with this.

Sometimes I get ideas or have trains of thought that are like watching lightening bolts. They flash but all you can recall seeing is a memory. You never really saw it, but you try to recreate it in your memory. Its becomes just a figment. That's how it is with my thoughts sometimes. It hits. And I know I saw it, but the more I try to look at it the less and less that it's nailed down.

One day it will strike again, but not this day.

I think it had to do with grace. This quote built upon several other flashes on previous days. It'll come together again.

That's all for now

Day One.