It's been a long day.
Chapel, Class, Worship Night, Reading.
Chapel: Redefining Normal by Scott Wilson
Compassion is Normal
Evangelism is Normal
Struggles are Normal
Miracles are Normal
Me: It's wonderful how when I get to the reflection part, I can't remember anything that was important. Awesome.
All day I've been thinking about my Kaio kids. Like MAJORLY thinking about them. It's amazing the kind of impact you can have on people that you don't even realize you are having. An impact that will come back YEARS later with people you barely had a relationship with. It's amazing. I want to be in that position again (amazing, seeing how burnt out I was coming out of Master's). But I realized that I am 23 years old. I remembered when I was a kid and 20 somethings came around me. I was so thirsty for their interaction. They had so much influence on me. I looked up to them. And now I am that. It's pressing on me. I am 23 years old and in the prime of my automatic influence. Seriously: I am cool. Why am I not exploiting this?!?! A junior higher would die to be around me simply because of the status my age gets me. I'm thinking the prime is through my 20s and could go well into my 30s depending on how young I look, act, or dress. Of course, I am an influencer at any age at this point, because when I'm in my 40s and 50s, I still have a ton of ability to pour into younger generations, just in a different way. Right now, I'm cool. This needs to be tapped into!! That's probably why The Pub was on my mind. It's a youth center in Waxahachie. It's also a concert venue. They allow volunteers to help during the times they are open; help to run the place. That's AWESOME! If I could do that once every week, I could do some major damage. I'm pretty excited to pursue this.
So that was a lot of what went through my mind during chapel today as he spoke about following the example of Jesus.
Prayer needs to be a more significant part of my life. I want to invite God into my days, my decisions, my relationships. I just forget. I repented during Chapel. I know that I love God, but I do neglect him. There's so much I'm learning and I want more. I really want to learn how to love and serve God better. His leading is hard to hear sometimes. Even in my prayer, reflection times, I wait and get nothing. But enough has been dropped into my heart during random points, that I have some sort of direction to go in.
Worship: CFNI
Yea, lots of reflection. Like I said earlier, my kaio kids came to my mind. I love them so much. They were like my kids- still are. I am so amazed (and shocked) at the impact that I had on them too. One boy, Christian, played the bass on the worship team. I think I had about 2 conversations with him ever. He was quiet, had his own friends, and was a boy, so I didn't really pursue him like I would the girls. But I saw a photo of him recently and boy has that kid grown up!! He is so big and handsome! He always struck me as kind of awkward and dorky, so it made my heart well up inside me, like a mom's would, when I saw how adult-ish he had become. Awww it was a proud moment. So I commented, even though he may not remember me, which could be awkward. But he totally did remember! And with Amanda too. I'm so FRICKEN excited that she is engaged and incredibly proud of her, so I told her. It's amazing that my words mean something to her. I wasn't super close with her, but she always mattered to me and I loved watching her grow.
It's just such a privilege to be involved in influencing lives. It's so humbling and so rewarding. Yes, sometimes they make me SO MAD, but I love them so much. I want the best for them, and it's such an honor that God would allow me to touch their lives. Even if it's from a distance or for a brief moment.
I want to live my life in such a way as to show others how amazing God is. I want to live a life that is unmistakably different, which seems SO DIFFICULT for me to do! I want prayer and the Spirit to radically change me life as it has never done before. I am just a normal person, but so were all the people in the early church!! They were nasty, bitter, immoral people, who drove Paul NUTS!!! Yet, the Spirit moved incredibly through them because they were open to Him. I want the Spirit to be normal for me. I don't want to feel weird to pray with people for healing. Or ask God for guidance. Yea, I SHOULD be asking God for guidance; by NOW I should have learned. But I haven't, and that sucks. I am not dependent on God.
Half the time I don't even feel like I love God. But half the time I dont feel like I love my parents either, but I KNOW that I do. So even though I don't feel it, I say it, cuz it's true.
And I don't want to sing songs I don't mean. "You're everything to me" "I'm desperate for you" Actually, You're not and I'm not. Soooo, something needs to be fixed before I should sing this.
And I don't want to say cliche Christian jargon that I really don't understand what it means-it has no meaning TO ME. For example- I exalt you. Exalt means to hold in high regard or speak highly of. But when I sing it, it's a word without meaning. That's dumb, and I don't wanna just repeat phrases as filler. Therefore, for the time, I am thinking about what I actually mean. Even saying I worship you is kind of lame from me (or lift you up, is another one). So what do I really want to say? What do I really mean? What do I think about God? I'm gonna dumb it down. I will literally say "I hold you in high regard, God." Instead of saying "you are wonderful" (unless of course wonderful carries meaning) I will say "the things I have seen you do are absolutely fantastic. I have seen you change lives in an instant. I have seen you come into the heart of my friend and warm her when she felt lost. God, thats incredible. You are incredible."
And I will give thanks. In reading leviticus and deuteronomy, I am learning what "worship" really is. It's a sacrifice. And it comes in the way of thanksgiving, friendship, repentance, or atonement (and probably some others, but this isn't a study on it, this is just from memory). So when I say "I worship you" if I'm not actually worshipping, then I shouldn't actually say that. That's lying, and I'm just filling to seem spiritual. But sometimes I don't feel like praising or I don't think God's wonderful, so I don't want to worship...sing songs, whatever. And Thanksgiving is the key. Reflecting on the things that God has done, ushers in my spirit in worship. It facilitates that awareness of the Holy God. Therefore, I'm changing my systems to 5-10-5-365. 5 minutes of thanksgiving every morning. To start the day with an awareness of HOLY CRAP THIS IS GOD!!! wooooww. To have that awestruck, child-like wonder of God.
To give thanks of not just broad abstract concepts like "family" or "freedom" or "friends" but specifics. Things that I am really thankful that I've seen God do in my life or in other's lives. Specific relationships and WHY I am thankful for them. This awakens the heart, and ignites sleeping feelings.
So recap.
The Pub
Thankfulness
The end
Day two.
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