Dear God

Dear God,
This school year has been an interesting time, but really good. Thank you for the vacation. Now, I'm done with finals and monday I'm heading off back home. Please, can this be a good summer? Can it be drama free and "new information" free? I just want to be happy, like Christmas break. I mean, I don't need much. It doesn't have to be an exciting summer, I don't have to grow, you don't have to do a whole lot (unless you want to). But please, at least for this summer, can it just be a good break-relaxing, uneventful maybe even a tad boring?

Thanks,
Love Always,
Emilie

Purposeful Procrastination

In a few short hours, my last paper will be due. I will submit this paper between a test I probably won't study for and my freedom. However, in the mean time, I was praying as I often (but not often enough do). I was listening to some lovely Interface, and pondering on God. I was praying to Him, but as my mind seems to wander sometimes, I let it....I was actually praying in the first place one, because I wanted to and two, because I'm writing a sermon. (I have no idea how to write a sermon.)

But I remembered the quote from Hook, "To live would be an awfully big adventure." I wanted to keep it, so I looked it up so I would keep it correctly.

Therefore, google brought me to a blog which had this quote as their title.

Being easily distracted, I read a few of her posts.

They were delicious.

I appreciated them very much and the humor was delightful.

I love reading the thoughts of others.

Therefore, I decided to follow her blog.

Today, I have become the proud follower of "To live would be an awfully big adventure"

Thank you, humanity, for being a very entertaining and insightful bunch.

Rebellion Versus Boundaries

I am a rebellious person.

I have no boundaries.

Perhaps I am not as rebellious as I thought I was.

Maybe, when my "rebellion" came out, it was really people hitting the boundaries I should have had: should have stuck to.

In reading the book Boundaries, I have realized that I am a big fat push over in many areas where it is CRUCIAL to have boundaries.

Sometimes, it's right to say No (Granted there are better ways to say "no" than others, but you get the idea).

When I would say "No," I just thought I was being rebellious. "No, I don't actually want to do that." "No, I don't actually think that's right." In the end, I would always go along with it if it was decided upon, but I didn't agree with it. Therefore, I just figured that was all rebellion and I needed to calm it down.

Boundaries, unlike rebellion, are things which every person needs. I have found that in many areas I do not have them set up as I should. Because of this, I am worse off.

Rebellion is not something that is looked very kindly upon by God, in fact, it is likened to witchcraft. So what is it? At this point, I don't think I can trust myself to give an answer to that.

The dictionary says for the word "Rebel"

–noun

1.a person who refuses allegiance to, resists, or rises in arms against the government or ruler of his or her country.

2.a person who resists any authority, control, or tradition.

–adjective

3.rebellious; defiant.

4.of or pertaining to rebels.

–verb (used without object)re·bel

5.to reject, resist, or rise in arms against one's government or ruler.

6.to resist or rise against some authority, control, or tradition.

7.to show or feel utter repugnance: His very soul rebelled at spanking the child.

This doesn't seem very helpful in my quest, however. I need to learn this lesson. Because, on the one hand, I'm learning assertiveness.

My goal was to be able to say NO in situations where it is appropriate to do so, when I really don't want to do whatever is asked not matter who asks me.

However, the kicker, is that I think there is a fair share of rebellion and pride in me that I think God wants to kill.

How do I know the difference between a boundary (a healthy time to say no), and rebellion (whatever that is)?

Goals

In any order

1) I want to be able to say "no" to people (in circumstances where it is appropriate to do so), when I don't want to do something, so matter who it is.

2) I want to kill my pride

3) When someone asks me to do/play something, I want to do it even if I'm insecure about my ability

4) I want to be able to make a fool out of myself and not care.

5) I want to be able to trust people, and their ability to be trustworthy

6) I want to be able to trust authority and that they have my best interest in mind, and that I don't have to make sure I get taken care of.

7) I want to trust God.

8) I want my default belief to be that people care about me, and that they want me around (this has less to do with my friends and more to do with strangers or acquaintances)

Epiphanies like Bowel Movements

4/10/10

"A DAY WITHOUT AN EPIPHANY IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT A BOWEL MOVEMENT" Spluttered one of my favorite teachers. He was a tiny but huge man all rolled into Jewishness....and did I mention he was hairy? I mean, he practically wore a carpet on his arms...and I'm sure his back (but thank God that's only speculation). He would yell and scream, and sometimes we believed he would have a heart attack right in front of our eyes as he ranted and raved about politics or history (depending on this class). My parents believed he was a biased communist (which, to be fair, he probably was). However, despite his sometimes cutting remarks (calling an idea what it was, STUPID, and berating us not to be an idiot generation), we knew that he loved each and everyone one of us, and believed in us. He knew we could be better. He knew the key was for us to think for ourselves, so he played devil's advocate...with EVERYTHING. He would scream "WHAT IS YOUR EPIPHANY TODAY???" And if we didn't have one, he would practically have conniption. Some thought he was mean, but for those that really understood what he was doing and had a less "P.C." skin, we loved him...even when he continually forgot what he was saying (even during the middle of a rant), and especially when he cracked up on his own jokes (he told the DUMBEST jokes, but he always LOVED them, which made us love them). He remembers no one, but we remember him. And to him, I dedicate my epiphanies from the last two weeks, found in the midst of struggle, pain, and wandering.

Last week:

I am hidden. There is a good chance that nothing I do, the talents I have, who I am, will ever be famous or go farther than the people I directly come in contact with. If it does, that's God's business, but I will be a servant in the shadows. I am living for an audience of one, probably not to be in the spotlight (at least on purpose).

This week:

I will see Him in Heaven. If you read the previous blogs, I have been struggling with my overwhelming desire to have relationship with God. And not just praying. I want to LITERALLY see him (have Him come down in a palm tree as it were). I want nothing less than a relationship like he had with Enoch. What made this difficult, is the dream-breaking realization that I could be Ruth-one who is guided by God, lived righteously, but never heard God. When I told myself I would have to just be fine with being Ruth, my heart died. I cannot explain it to you, but when I accepted being Ruth, the depression reared it's ugly head. Everything inside of me rebelled with NO!!!!! NEVER!!!!, but like a good little follower, I believed I just need to except my lot....but the rebellion and the pain did not diminish. It got worse. Every devotional, it got worse, more desperate. Then Pastor Peggy gave me permission, which is what I really needed. In short, she told me it was ok to want it, to ask for it. The burden that lifted was incredible, the pain didn't leave, but...it was just different. My heart and it's desires began to beat again within me. I kept pursuing God, knowing that he may not answer me, but that I still wanted to be near Him, and that I was allowed to be demanding, needy, selfish. This is what I wanted: I wanted Him. And if he never talked to me again, I would sit at his door step waiting, because I was allowed. I wasn't bugging Him, I wasn't making Him angry, I wasn't demanding too much. I am His Daughter, and I'm calling Him to fulfill the promises that He made to me.

And He spoke to me...for the first time...in a loooong time. He asked me a question, as He usually does with me. "Emilie, what if I never satisfy that desire {to see me}. What if you're always to look forward to heaven?"....and then it really sank into my heart as he said "Emilie, in heaven, you will see me!!!!" And I freaked out. I will see Him in heaven! I will have everything I want, I will be able to just BE with Him. It was a promise. And he explained to me, how powerful that kind of person was-the person who REALLY had no ties to earth. There there was NOTHING here that could tempt them because in Heaven, they would get to see God. I had heard this spoken, but this is when it sank in: the difference between heaven and earth and that there really is nothing here.

But one day I'll see Him. It's still going to be painful here, never fulfilled, always hungry. We went to a worship night yesterday at CFNI (amazing). It was impactful, but it was as if I was eating eating eating, but when I left, none of it came with me, I was still hungry. He did not speak to me in the service, although I am always aware of his presence (which can be frustrating). But it was glorious, wonderful. To worship the God of all creation. And even if He never speaks to me here again. One day, I will see Him. That sustains me. That is the joy I look forward to. That is the good news I spread.

This Week:

I don't trust God.

I am re-learning His Character.

Yes, evidently it is possible to follow God and not really trust Him. I can say, with sorrow mixed with honesty, that I do not trust God. But I can say, with hope, that this will change as He restores me.

I wrote, aptly, a few years ago, a story of "The Arm and the Saw." It's a story of trust. It was an autobiography, but I hadn't gotten to the end. This is the part of the story where the Master must reassure the one that He hurt that the Master is still Good. God is re-teaching me who He is, that where He leads me IS truly Good, because where He led me before left me doubting.

These are my chapel notes and comments. My comments are in italics

"Faith"-deliberate confidence in the character of God, who's ways you may not understand at the time

How can you trust in a character you don't know?

In the ups and downs, you can believe that God is leading you, you can trust his character, and his heart for you.

You must have relationship

When you are walking with God, you are not responsible for the obstacles in your life-God is.

My problem: He led me deliberately into pain, sorrow, and brokenness.

He wanted me to go there.

Now: I'm trying to figure out what that means.

The question that is begged: Can I trust God? Who is God? Is he trustworthy?

(this answer must be proven by action, as words have become weightless)

Trust is built on Truth-Malachai 3:6

Relationship enables trust Ps. 9:10 (but you might have to build it back up)

(Illustration with a dog)

Trust "My Master would never do anything to me that would harm me"

However, when the Master takes the dog to the Vet, the dog may feel betrayed. It hurt...

it takes time for the relationship to be rebuilt

Understanding comes from Truth and Relationship

Lyrics "When you don't know the plan, when you cant feel his hand, when you don't understand,

TRUST HIS HEART

I am relearning His heart so that I may trust Him again.

When it comes to trusting God, he could have tried to break me with money, with illness-that

may suck- but He destroyed me in the place where it would hurt the most-where

I would NEED to trust Him the most.

In RELATIONSHIP

And so, being broken down, made to suffer this for a while, God, the God of all creation,

is faithful to restore and mend me.

He has promised, "As if it had never happened"

Sometimes, what hurts us the most, is what we needed the most to be healthy.

He is faithful to complete this work that He started.

I will wait on the Lord, who is worthy of praise. He is good to those that seek Him.

He will not cast off forever those He has caused to suffer. (Note: HE HAS CAUSED to suffer).

His mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness.

Lord, it has cost me so much. But Lord, after all is said and done, may you hear me say...

IF IVE EVER LOVED YOU, JESUS, IT'S TODAY.

You know what those words have cost me. And I mean them.

This week:

We Win. Our side wins. The devil, evil, this world, loses.

There is nothing to fear or worry about.

God is in control. We win. WE WIN!! It sank in, for the first time. My life will be hard,

but there is no offense from Hell that can beat me. We are victorious.

Wow.

It was during the Song, "With Everything" by Hillsong (it was mixed with another song when

CFNI used it), but it was during this song that it really hit me.

"So let hope rise and darkness tremble in Your holy light"...And I envisioned what that looked

like. That darkness cannot stand, for as ugly and fierce as it is, it TREMBLES when God comes.

"It is amazing, that the darkness that scares you down to the core, MUST flee before a God

that I don't feel"

Incredible. Then I pictured Kurt, in Set Me Free. When he finally comes forth, and he takes

down his hood on that beautiful beat, and all the demons cringe and cry out.

They're toast. And they know it. The Devil is a lion without teeth.

We Win. There fore With Everything, we shout your praise.

So, it's been an eventful few weeks....years....22.

I have a long way to go, but I feel it coming back.

Thank God

Thank you God for my Dorm Pastor.

Thank you that she knows you and that she speaks the truth.

I needed that.

I'll wait for you God, but I'm not going to ask for anything less. This is what I want. I'm willing to fight for it.

"After you have suffered this for a while, he is faithful to take what was broken and mend it"

Oh Hell

(This is my prayer, right at this moment to God. Some of you probably got a text from me asking to pray. Well, I won't respond to your questions right away, cuz I'm praying. This is my praying)

God.

Is this really what it takes to be with you?

Then so be it.

I don't know that its normal that when spending time with you, you feel like crap.

When I make time for you, spend time with you, all I feel is pain and intense sorrow.

I really really think that when I don't spend time with you, I feel better. I have better days. I enjoy life more. Isn't that the opposite of what it should be?

Arent we taught that the abundant life comes from being connected to you.

BUT GOD! When Im connected with you ALL I FEEL IS PAIN!!

This year, this beginning , I was happy.

HAPPY! REAL HAPPINESS!! It was crazy!

And then I realized that I hadnt been spending enough time with you (around the end of the semester due to finals). So Ive been fighting (a monster of an exaggeration)...fighting myself to make time for you. But GOD when I MAKE TIME FOR YOU I FEEL LIKE THIS!

Maybe I live with a mild case of depression.

But really, I dont want to be that guy! That guy that every time you talk to them, ask them how they are, they say its hard, its a bad day.

DAMMIT I WANT TO HAVE GOOD DAYS! AND I HAVE GOOD DAYS WITHOUT YOU!

But I dont want to live without you God!

I want you to talk with me again!!!

I want you to be with me again!!

But you dont talk to me anymore.

You dont sit with me.

Maybe, thats how it will be.

So Im disciplining myself to spend time...devotional time...to have dates with you, even when you dont speak.

You ARE more than just a feeling. You are my God. I WANT A RELATIONSHIP, but when you dont show up for the dates, it makes it kind of hard!!!

And every time I spend with you, I become so acutely aware of the hole that is desperate for you. And I become aware that it is not filled with you. But you dont come...

There are promises that you've given me.

And I'm trying to believe them

Im trying to remember them.

But God it scares me, but my heart has no confidence in them anymore....when I spend time with you. When I feel like this, I know that I have no confidence in them anymore.

When I'm "fine," I KNOW what the truth is and I can stand on it....

It just sucks...

its funny because I was interrupted in my prayer by one of my friends. We talked and as I was talking and leaving prayer mode, I felt better...like I always do when I stop praying. Right now, as I go back to all this crap, I feel ok...although again it gets worse as I think about it more. It' always right under the surface, and usually I know its there. But my days are GOOD, usually. I LOVE my life!...but its all right under the surface....so tell me, would YOU want to face it? If you're doin just fine when your not thinking about all this, would YOU want to talk about it? I would highly doubt it. Cuz its not a one time thing, this has been the norm, with medium spans of completely fine in between. Yep, cuz right now (and by this time I've texted back), I'm dandy. Life is good, I "know" the truth and can stand on it. I have hope. But when I spend time with God, or really think about what's down underneath....boo.

Boo my life man. I don't like talking about this stuff. I feel like its complaining but cuz it happens so much and I "know" better. I know the promises of God, I know that this is going to be fine, whatever whatever whatever.

I just need God. I need him to be with me. I dont really know why he is withholding from me (Yea, I realize he doesnt "withhold" any good thing from his children...and to that I say SHUT UP. Gosh. Patronize me lol). Pretty sure I know all the right ANSWERS, pretty sure theres many things that I could come up with that would be good TO DO, but seriously, at this point I just need to know its going to be ok.

Is it going to be ok??????

I mean I can suck it up, take a deep breath, and piss out some promises that I half believe in, that it will be ok. But I DONT BELIEVE IT at this point (and you see it? I'm deeper in now, here comes the way I really feel...).

I guess I would believe you, Though. That's what Faitth said. She said with confidence that it's going to be ok. That I will get to the other side. I believe HER, I dont believe IT. But it helps.

Because it my mind....I dont even know that there is an end. What if this is just the way things are? What if this is as good as it gets? Now, the ultimate reasurance would be for God to tell me that there is an end.

I swear, if He told me that there is an end to this, that this is just s season, then I would totally be fine. I would believe it.

But like I said, thats the whole issue now. He doesnt talk to me. I'm just walking in faith at this point. When I don't "feel" this stuff, then I'm able to walk in faith and stand on the promises of God. When I'm in the "midst" of all this stuff, you better believe I'm pissed off, resentful, and a tad bit bitter. Are you allowed to be all these things toward God...after reading all this, do you really think I care? Your supposed to be honest with God, and when I'm spending time with him, I dont want to resign myself to what I should feel or should know. In all the places that you should feel safe being yourself, shouldn't it be with God? And yet, that's the one place I don't like doing it.....probably cuz I "know better." I know I shouldnt be feeling this way.

I watch other men and women of God, and I know that I should be thankful, I should have confidence. Its GOD we are talking about after all. But the truth is, I'm not like those men and women...I was once. It feels like ages ago. I went through alot, and I kept my faith through it. I stood on truth no matter what. And what's obnoxious is that NOW, with NOTHING wrong going down, I can't keep everything straight,

I think I'm just beginning to realize how much all that really shook me. I'm beginning to see where Scratch really does start...and its pretty far away.

So please have grace with me when I dont want to talk about it. 1) I dont know how. Im pretty much rambling right now. 2) I dont need advice. So if and when I do talk about it, keep your advice, and keep your examples. Unless its something I've not thought about, I'll probably be frustrated with you and just listen from politeness (yes, we've all been there, you know what I'm talking about). But I do need reassurance. I'm like a kid, I just need to know the truth. I dont need to know how to fix it, because GOD needs to tell me that (Yes, God, YOU NEED TO TELL ME YOURSELF IF YOU WANT ME TO FIX SOMETHING! IM DONE TRYING TO FIX THINGS THAT I THINK MAY NEED TO BE FIXED!! I dont even think that its healthy to fix things that God doesnt say are broken). But you can reassure me of the truth that you know. The truth that you REALLY know. My faith is very small, so your faith can help a brotha out. 3) there was another point....oh yes, I dont always like talking about it because when I feel fine I want to keep it that way for a while. Its the only respite I have, so I dont like bringing it up at every turn, making the rest of my day suck. 4) If I DO seem like I'm fine, I'm not lying, I really am!...sorta. I think by this time, you know what I mean by that. So I'm not faking it, I'm just not thinking about it (something close to aviodance, but not). 5) Since this is how I feel so frequently, its gets obnoxious to bring it up all the time. I get tired of it, I'm sure y'all would get tired of it and such advice would start as "you should just live in the abundance of Christ" "you should just ..." "you need to just..." Boo. Thanks but no thanks.

(Obviously there are times where I need to talk and don't. Will you know those times? Probably not. I'm a girl, we're tough like that).

Boo. I was so happy...I still am, I guess. Whatever, this all makes no sense. I just want it to be done, for God to help me through. I just want to walk in faith knowing it will be fine...which would work, except for that means no devo time with God...which isnt ok. Ugh. Catch-22 man.

Welcome to how my life works generally. This is an insight of my 22 years. I swear I have a mild form of chronic depression.

Not gonna lie, its incredibly tempting to just "give it to God" and then avoid facing it, and talking to him believing "in faith" that he's "got it covered."

BBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH Super frustrating. As of this very moment, I feel fine again.

Oh and the other thing that I think is going to become a problem is that now that I'm trying to REALLY REALLY discipline myself to spend time with God (go on "dates" as it were), I'm going to start feeling really hurt when God keeps "not showing up" for our dates.

It was real bad the other day, I was PISSSSSED at God. And it basically came down to me saying, "God, I dont want to have a relationship with you like I had with Shiloh." That was really the root. I was so hurt and angry and hurt. Cuz on many levels its simiar. The commitment, the amount of input, no response, not being able to leave. Oh it was very not so fun when I realized that that's how I looked at my relationship with God. I really do feel the same way. And the (EVIL STRAIGHT FROM THE DEVIL) resignation of "standing on the truth." OH LORD that scared me. To just forcing yourself to believe that someone loves you just cuz they said it once a while back. I swear, its evil to do that. Theres so much damage....and then realizing, in your heart of hearts, that you love this person on a level that you really wouldn't leave. I SWORE TO MYSELF I WOULD NEVER DO THAT AGAIN! I WOULD NEVER PUT MYSELF IN THAT POSITION AGAIN...but guess what. God's doing the same thing Shiloh did. (Yes...I know what you're saying, God's not Shiloh....I know this in my brain, but I'm telling you, my heart truly doesnt know. It feels, smells, tastes, looks the same....it needs to be proved. But the only one who can prove it is God....so yea. I know I wasnt doing my part with seeking him out everyday-although I did have devotional time, just not everyday-so I made up my mind (like I did with Shiloh), that I would do my part. I would be responsible for my end, no matter what they did. And we all know how it went with him, and my heart is screaming that God is doing the same)

It's hard to keep my heart open and sensitive to any sort of whisper from God and not to be swept away by the things that creep and crawl. I would seriously settle for any sort of communication from God-even if he jsut straight up ripped into me. But to keep so open to catch any whisper, I know that I'm catching a lot of other stuff thats not so good. It makes me 1)more willing to accept that my feelings are actually the truth 2) it makes me more susceptible to lies. There's a lot of things, in my devotional times, that have come into my head and I have given credence to in order to turn over in my head if its God or not. He never says either way. I set it up against the word of God that I know is in there, but alot of it is grey or could go either way. But none of it takes the authority with which God's voice carries. So I half accept it hoping that maybe it's God, and the other half can't fully accept because it doesn't have his familiar stamp

Once it a while, a bone is thrown to me, but they are like whispers of a memory.

The House was brought up (which God gave me my second year)...just a fleeting impression, nothing substantial. But I knew it was His breath, so I hold onto that.

A breath of the long ago promise that he hears me and that he would give me the world if I asked it of him (which in the end only frustrates me more, because then I ask for this, and nothing...as of yet)

Other wisps come in and out...but nothing concrete. Only shadows and smoke. I try to catch it with all my heart, but in the end, I crave whats touchable.

I miss God.