Epiphanies like Bowel Movements

4/10/10

"A DAY WITHOUT AN EPIPHANY IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT A BOWEL MOVEMENT" Spluttered one of my favorite teachers. He was a tiny but huge man all rolled into Jewishness....and did I mention he was hairy? I mean, he practically wore a carpet on his arms...and I'm sure his back (but thank God that's only speculation). He would yell and scream, and sometimes we believed he would have a heart attack right in front of our eyes as he ranted and raved about politics or history (depending on this class). My parents believed he was a biased communist (which, to be fair, he probably was). However, despite his sometimes cutting remarks (calling an idea what it was, STUPID, and berating us not to be an idiot generation), we knew that he loved each and everyone one of us, and believed in us. He knew we could be better. He knew the key was for us to think for ourselves, so he played devil's advocate...with EVERYTHING. He would scream "WHAT IS YOUR EPIPHANY TODAY???" And if we didn't have one, he would practically have conniption. Some thought he was mean, but for those that really understood what he was doing and had a less "P.C." skin, we loved him...even when he continually forgot what he was saying (even during the middle of a rant), and especially when he cracked up on his own jokes (he told the DUMBEST jokes, but he always LOVED them, which made us love them). He remembers no one, but we remember him. And to him, I dedicate my epiphanies from the last two weeks, found in the midst of struggle, pain, and wandering.

Last week:

I am hidden. There is a good chance that nothing I do, the talents I have, who I am, will ever be famous or go farther than the people I directly come in contact with. If it does, that's God's business, but I will be a servant in the shadows. I am living for an audience of one, probably not to be in the spotlight (at least on purpose).

This week:

I will see Him in Heaven. If you read the previous blogs, I have been struggling with my overwhelming desire to have relationship with God. And not just praying. I want to LITERALLY see him (have Him come down in a palm tree as it were). I want nothing less than a relationship like he had with Enoch. What made this difficult, is the dream-breaking realization that I could be Ruth-one who is guided by God, lived righteously, but never heard God. When I told myself I would have to just be fine with being Ruth, my heart died. I cannot explain it to you, but when I accepted being Ruth, the depression reared it's ugly head. Everything inside of me rebelled with NO!!!!! NEVER!!!!, but like a good little follower, I believed I just need to except my lot....but the rebellion and the pain did not diminish. It got worse. Every devotional, it got worse, more desperate. Then Pastor Peggy gave me permission, which is what I really needed. In short, she told me it was ok to want it, to ask for it. The burden that lifted was incredible, the pain didn't leave, but...it was just different. My heart and it's desires began to beat again within me. I kept pursuing God, knowing that he may not answer me, but that I still wanted to be near Him, and that I was allowed to be demanding, needy, selfish. This is what I wanted: I wanted Him. And if he never talked to me again, I would sit at his door step waiting, because I was allowed. I wasn't bugging Him, I wasn't making Him angry, I wasn't demanding too much. I am His Daughter, and I'm calling Him to fulfill the promises that He made to me.

And He spoke to me...for the first time...in a loooong time. He asked me a question, as He usually does with me. "Emilie, what if I never satisfy that desire {to see me}. What if you're always to look forward to heaven?"....and then it really sank into my heart as he said "Emilie, in heaven, you will see me!!!!" And I freaked out. I will see Him in heaven! I will have everything I want, I will be able to just BE with Him. It was a promise. And he explained to me, how powerful that kind of person was-the person who REALLY had no ties to earth. There there was NOTHING here that could tempt them because in Heaven, they would get to see God. I had heard this spoken, but this is when it sank in: the difference between heaven and earth and that there really is nothing here.

But one day I'll see Him. It's still going to be painful here, never fulfilled, always hungry. We went to a worship night yesterday at CFNI (amazing). It was impactful, but it was as if I was eating eating eating, but when I left, none of it came with me, I was still hungry. He did not speak to me in the service, although I am always aware of his presence (which can be frustrating). But it was glorious, wonderful. To worship the God of all creation. And even if He never speaks to me here again. One day, I will see Him. That sustains me. That is the joy I look forward to. That is the good news I spread.

This Week:

I don't trust God.

I am re-learning His Character.

Yes, evidently it is possible to follow God and not really trust Him. I can say, with sorrow mixed with honesty, that I do not trust God. But I can say, with hope, that this will change as He restores me.

I wrote, aptly, a few years ago, a story of "The Arm and the Saw." It's a story of trust. It was an autobiography, but I hadn't gotten to the end. This is the part of the story where the Master must reassure the one that He hurt that the Master is still Good. God is re-teaching me who He is, that where He leads me IS truly Good, because where He led me before left me doubting.

These are my chapel notes and comments. My comments are in italics

"Faith"-deliberate confidence in the character of God, who's ways you may not understand at the time

How can you trust in a character you don't know?

In the ups and downs, you can believe that God is leading you, you can trust his character, and his heart for you.

You must have relationship

When you are walking with God, you are not responsible for the obstacles in your life-God is.

My problem: He led me deliberately into pain, sorrow, and brokenness.

He wanted me to go there.

Now: I'm trying to figure out what that means.

The question that is begged: Can I trust God? Who is God? Is he trustworthy?

(this answer must be proven by action, as words have become weightless)

Trust is built on Truth-Malachai 3:6

Relationship enables trust Ps. 9:10 (but you might have to build it back up)

(Illustration with a dog)

Trust "My Master would never do anything to me that would harm me"

However, when the Master takes the dog to the Vet, the dog may feel betrayed. It hurt...

it takes time for the relationship to be rebuilt

Understanding comes from Truth and Relationship

Lyrics "When you don't know the plan, when you cant feel his hand, when you don't understand,

TRUST HIS HEART

I am relearning His heart so that I may trust Him again.

When it comes to trusting God, he could have tried to break me with money, with illness-that

may suck- but He destroyed me in the place where it would hurt the most-where

I would NEED to trust Him the most.

In RELATIONSHIP

And so, being broken down, made to suffer this for a while, God, the God of all creation,

is faithful to restore and mend me.

He has promised, "As if it had never happened"

Sometimes, what hurts us the most, is what we needed the most to be healthy.

He is faithful to complete this work that He started.

I will wait on the Lord, who is worthy of praise. He is good to those that seek Him.

He will not cast off forever those He has caused to suffer. (Note: HE HAS CAUSED to suffer).

His mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness.

Lord, it has cost me so much. But Lord, after all is said and done, may you hear me say...

IF IVE EVER LOVED YOU, JESUS, IT'S TODAY.

You know what those words have cost me. And I mean them.

This week:

We Win. Our side wins. The devil, evil, this world, loses.

There is nothing to fear or worry about.

God is in control. We win. WE WIN!! It sank in, for the first time. My life will be hard,

but there is no offense from Hell that can beat me. We are victorious.

Wow.

It was during the Song, "With Everything" by Hillsong (it was mixed with another song when

CFNI used it), but it was during this song that it really hit me.

"So let hope rise and darkness tremble in Your holy light"...And I envisioned what that looked

like. That darkness cannot stand, for as ugly and fierce as it is, it TREMBLES when God comes.

"It is amazing, that the darkness that scares you down to the core, MUST flee before a God

that I don't feel"

Incredible. Then I pictured Kurt, in Set Me Free. When he finally comes forth, and he takes

down his hood on that beautiful beat, and all the demons cringe and cry out.

They're toast. And they know it. The Devil is a lion without teeth.

We Win. There fore With Everything, we shout your praise.

So, it's been an eventful few weeks....years....22.

I have a long way to go, but I feel it coming back.