Oh Hell

(This is my prayer, right at this moment to God. Some of you probably got a text from me asking to pray. Well, I won't respond to your questions right away, cuz I'm praying. This is my praying)

God.

Is this really what it takes to be with you?

Then so be it.

I don't know that its normal that when spending time with you, you feel like crap.

When I make time for you, spend time with you, all I feel is pain and intense sorrow.

I really really think that when I don't spend time with you, I feel better. I have better days. I enjoy life more. Isn't that the opposite of what it should be?

Arent we taught that the abundant life comes from being connected to you.

BUT GOD! When Im connected with you ALL I FEEL IS PAIN!!

This year, this beginning , I was happy.

HAPPY! REAL HAPPINESS!! It was crazy!

And then I realized that I hadnt been spending enough time with you (around the end of the semester due to finals). So Ive been fighting (a monster of an exaggeration)...fighting myself to make time for you. But GOD when I MAKE TIME FOR YOU I FEEL LIKE THIS!

Maybe I live with a mild case of depression.

But really, I dont want to be that guy! That guy that every time you talk to them, ask them how they are, they say its hard, its a bad day.

DAMMIT I WANT TO HAVE GOOD DAYS! AND I HAVE GOOD DAYS WITHOUT YOU!

But I dont want to live without you God!

I want you to talk with me again!!!

I want you to be with me again!!

But you dont talk to me anymore.

You dont sit with me.

Maybe, thats how it will be.

So Im disciplining myself to spend time...devotional time...to have dates with you, even when you dont speak.

You ARE more than just a feeling. You are my God. I WANT A RELATIONSHIP, but when you dont show up for the dates, it makes it kind of hard!!!

And every time I spend with you, I become so acutely aware of the hole that is desperate for you. And I become aware that it is not filled with you. But you dont come...

There are promises that you've given me.

And I'm trying to believe them

Im trying to remember them.

But God it scares me, but my heart has no confidence in them anymore....when I spend time with you. When I feel like this, I know that I have no confidence in them anymore.

When I'm "fine," I KNOW what the truth is and I can stand on it....

It just sucks...

its funny because I was interrupted in my prayer by one of my friends. We talked and as I was talking and leaving prayer mode, I felt better...like I always do when I stop praying. Right now, as I go back to all this crap, I feel ok...although again it gets worse as I think about it more. It' always right under the surface, and usually I know its there. But my days are GOOD, usually. I LOVE my life!...but its all right under the surface....so tell me, would YOU want to face it? If you're doin just fine when your not thinking about all this, would YOU want to talk about it? I would highly doubt it. Cuz its not a one time thing, this has been the norm, with medium spans of completely fine in between. Yep, cuz right now (and by this time I've texted back), I'm dandy. Life is good, I "know" the truth and can stand on it. I have hope. But when I spend time with God, or really think about what's down underneath....boo.

Boo my life man. I don't like talking about this stuff. I feel like its complaining but cuz it happens so much and I "know" better. I know the promises of God, I know that this is going to be fine, whatever whatever whatever.

I just need God. I need him to be with me. I dont really know why he is withholding from me (Yea, I realize he doesnt "withhold" any good thing from his children...and to that I say SHUT UP. Gosh. Patronize me lol). Pretty sure I know all the right ANSWERS, pretty sure theres many things that I could come up with that would be good TO DO, but seriously, at this point I just need to know its going to be ok.

Is it going to be ok??????

I mean I can suck it up, take a deep breath, and piss out some promises that I half believe in, that it will be ok. But I DONT BELIEVE IT at this point (and you see it? I'm deeper in now, here comes the way I really feel...).

I guess I would believe you, Though. That's what Faitth said. She said with confidence that it's going to be ok. That I will get to the other side. I believe HER, I dont believe IT. But it helps.

Because it my mind....I dont even know that there is an end. What if this is just the way things are? What if this is as good as it gets? Now, the ultimate reasurance would be for God to tell me that there is an end.

I swear, if He told me that there is an end to this, that this is just s season, then I would totally be fine. I would believe it.

But like I said, thats the whole issue now. He doesnt talk to me. I'm just walking in faith at this point. When I don't "feel" this stuff, then I'm able to walk in faith and stand on the promises of God. When I'm in the "midst" of all this stuff, you better believe I'm pissed off, resentful, and a tad bit bitter. Are you allowed to be all these things toward God...after reading all this, do you really think I care? Your supposed to be honest with God, and when I'm spending time with him, I dont want to resign myself to what I should feel or should know. In all the places that you should feel safe being yourself, shouldn't it be with God? And yet, that's the one place I don't like doing it.....probably cuz I "know better." I know I shouldnt be feeling this way.

I watch other men and women of God, and I know that I should be thankful, I should have confidence. Its GOD we are talking about after all. But the truth is, I'm not like those men and women...I was once. It feels like ages ago. I went through alot, and I kept my faith through it. I stood on truth no matter what. And what's obnoxious is that NOW, with NOTHING wrong going down, I can't keep everything straight,

I think I'm just beginning to realize how much all that really shook me. I'm beginning to see where Scratch really does start...and its pretty far away.

So please have grace with me when I dont want to talk about it. 1) I dont know how. Im pretty much rambling right now. 2) I dont need advice. So if and when I do talk about it, keep your advice, and keep your examples. Unless its something I've not thought about, I'll probably be frustrated with you and just listen from politeness (yes, we've all been there, you know what I'm talking about). But I do need reassurance. I'm like a kid, I just need to know the truth. I dont need to know how to fix it, because GOD needs to tell me that (Yes, God, YOU NEED TO TELL ME YOURSELF IF YOU WANT ME TO FIX SOMETHING! IM DONE TRYING TO FIX THINGS THAT I THINK MAY NEED TO BE FIXED!! I dont even think that its healthy to fix things that God doesnt say are broken). But you can reassure me of the truth that you know. The truth that you REALLY know. My faith is very small, so your faith can help a brotha out. 3) there was another point....oh yes, I dont always like talking about it because when I feel fine I want to keep it that way for a while. Its the only respite I have, so I dont like bringing it up at every turn, making the rest of my day suck. 4) If I DO seem like I'm fine, I'm not lying, I really am!...sorta. I think by this time, you know what I mean by that. So I'm not faking it, I'm just not thinking about it (something close to aviodance, but not). 5) Since this is how I feel so frequently, its gets obnoxious to bring it up all the time. I get tired of it, I'm sure y'all would get tired of it and such advice would start as "you should just live in the abundance of Christ" "you should just ..." "you need to just..." Boo. Thanks but no thanks.

(Obviously there are times where I need to talk and don't. Will you know those times? Probably not. I'm a girl, we're tough like that).

Boo. I was so happy...I still am, I guess. Whatever, this all makes no sense. I just want it to be done, for God to help me through. I just want to walk in faith knowing it will be fine...which would work, except for that means no devo time with God...which isnt ok. Ugh. Catch-22 man.

Welcome to how my life works generally. This is an insight of my 22 years. I swear I have a mild form of chronic depression.

Not gonna lie, its incredibly tempting to just "give it to God" and then avoid facing it, and talking to him believing "in faith" that he's "got it covered."

BBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH Super frustrating. As of this very moment, I feel fine again.

Oh and the other thing that I think is going to become a problem is that now that I'm trying to REALLY REALLY discipline myself to spend time with God (go on "dates" as it were), I'm going to start feeling really hurt when God keeps "not showing up" for our dates.

It was real bad the other day, I was PISSSSSED at God. And it basically came down to me saying, "God, I dont want to have a relationship with you like I had with Shiloh." That was really the root. I was so hurt and angry and hurt. Cuz on many levels its simiar. The commitment, the amount of input, no response, not being able to leave. Oh it was very not so fun when I realized that that's how I looked at my relationship with God. I really do feel the same way. And the (EVIL STRAIGHT FROM THE DEVIL) resignation of "standing on the truth." OH LORD that scared me. To just forcing yourself to believe that someone loves you just cuz they said it once a while back. I swear, its evil to do that. Theres so much damage....and then realizing, in your heart of hearts, that you love this person on a level that you really wouldn't leave. I SWORE TO MYSELF I WOULD NEVER DO THAT AGAIN! I WOULD NEVER PUT MYSELF IN THAT POSITION AGAIN...but guess what. God's doing the same thing Shiloh did. (Yes...I know what you're saying, God's not Shiloh....I know this in my brain, but I'm telling you, my heart truly doesnt know. It feels, smells, tastes, looks the same....it needs to be proved. But the only one who can prove it is God....so yea. I know I wasnt doing my part with seeking him out everyday-although I did have devotional time, just not everyday-so I made up my mind (like I did with Shiloh), that I would do my part. I would be responsible for my end, no matter what they did. And we all know how it went with him, and my heart is screaming that God is doing the same)

It's hard to keep my heart open and sensitive to any sort of whisper from God and not to be swept away by the things that creep and crawl. I would seriously settle for any sort of communication from God-even if he jsut straight up ripped into me. But to keep so open to catch any whisper, I know that I'm catching a lot of other stuff thats not so good. It makes me 1)more willing to accept that my feelings are actually the truth 2) it makes me more susceptible to lies. There's a lot of things, in my devotional times, that have come into my head and I have given credence to in order to turn over in my head if its God or not. He never says either way. I set it up against the word of God that I know is in there, but alot of it is grey or could go either way. But none of it takes the authority with which God's voice carries. So I half accept it hoping that maybe it's God, and the other half can't fully accept because it doesn't have his familiar stamp

Once it a while, a bone is thrown to me, but they are like whispers of a memory.

The House was brought up (which God gave me my second year)...just a fleeting impression, nothing substantial. But I knew it was His breath, so I hold onto that.

A breath of the long ago promise that he hears me and that he would give me the world if I asked it of him (which in the end only frustrates me more, because then I ask for this, and nothing...as of yet)

Other wisps come in and out...but nothing concrete. Only shadows and smoke. I try to catch it with all my heart, but in the end, I crave whats touchable.

I miss God.