Proverbs 19:17

One who is gracious to a poor man lends to the LORD, And He will repay him for his good deed.

Faith

MORNING: With Charles Spurgeon  "The trial of your faith."  -- 1 Peter 1:7  Faith untried may be true faith, but it is sure to be little faith, and it is likely to remain dwarfish so long as it is without trials. Faith never prospers so well as when all things are against her: tempests are her trainers, and lightnings are her illuminators. When a calm reigns on the sea, spread the sails as you will, the ship moves not to its harbour; for on a slumbering ocean the keel sleeps too. Let the winds rush howling forth, and let the waters lift up themselves, then, though the vessel may rock, and her deck may be washed with waves, and her mast may creak under the pressure of the full and swelling sail, it is then that she makes headway towards her desired haven. No flowers wear so lovely a blue as those which grow at the foot of the frozen glacier; no stars gleam so brightly as those which glisten in the polar sky; no water tastes so sweet as that which springs amid the desert sand; and no faith is so precious as that which lives and triumphs in adversity. Tried faith brings experience. You could not have believed your own weakness had you not been compelled to pass through the rivers; and you would never have known God's strength had you not been supported amid the water-floods. Faith increases in solidity, assurance, and intensity, the more it is exercised with tribulation. Faith is precious, and its trial is precious too.  

Let not this, however, discourage those who are young in faith. You will have trials enough without seeking them: the full portion will be measured out to you in due season. Meanwhile, if you cannot yet claim the result of long experience, thank God for what grace you have; praise him for that degree of holy confidence whereunto you have attained: walk according to that rule, and you shall yet have more and more of the blessing of God, till your faith shall remove mountains and conquer impossibilities.

Desert

Without faith, it is impossible to please God.

Faith is something that I'm learning quite a bit about. I'm not sure if I asked God to increase my faith, although I would be foolish enough to ask for it; but I do know that I asked the Holy Spirit to do surgery on my heart.

As of the past few years, God has been very...indirect. My flesh would like to call it distance, and neglectful. It's been the cause of much pain, and by my choice, turned into much bitterness.

The past few weeks has been a (beginning) walk through this bitterness and pain, and Faith is what keeps me grounded. Faith is what keeps me believing when my heart finds no compelling reason to continue to do so.

What started this journey, I feel, is my new favorite cuss word: Desperation.

When you seek me with your whole heart, says the Lord, I will be found by you.

In this point in the game, my flesh (and heart) want to laugh at this promise. But faith is what keeps me in the game. And prayer is what keeps me pouring out my emotions (disappointment, hurt, anger, fear) to keep them from infecting my heart.

In Faith, I believe these promises to be true, whether or not I see it or feeeeeel it.

In Faith, I believe He is with me, guides me, and would never forsake (or abandon) me.

But I am very dry. I need God. I love God. And my need, I fear, is what is getting me hurt. Or perhaps it is the beginnings of my need for God that are making me afraid. I am afraid to need God and trust him. I need Him to show up if I were to trust Him, but I am terrified that He won't...because....He hasn't. But I am not yet IN NEED of Him; I am at the edge of needing and afraid to jump.

I have no yet jumped, therefore He has not had the opportunity to prove it to me. And I tell Him, I need you! I need your presence! I need your peace! But I have not actually jumped; it is not necessary yet for Him to come.

Perhaps, I want more of Him, but I do not actually NEED more of Him. And not in a bad way. It is not wrong that I don't "need" Him, in the sense that I am talking-in the sense of needing the hospital before I am sick. It's ok that I do not need the hospital yet, I'm not sick. But to be hurt and afraid that the hospital will not be there when I am in need, is foolish.

For me to go to the front desk of the hospital and say,

"I need you, are you here?"

"Yes, we are here, whenever you need us."

"Well, I need you."

"What for? Are you sick?"

"I just need to know that you are here."

"Yes. Yes, we are. You can even check our website."

But I feel that I need God. I'm insecure. I'm lonely. I'm broken.

Whatever I know, whatever He does give me, it's not sticking, it's not sustaining, and I don't know why. I need Him. I am afraid and I am hurt, because I am alone. I can't do this alone; and then fear creeps in.

A few days ago, I was sitting outside reading or something, and a girl probably about my age came running with a little boy who looked about 9 or 10. They were exercising, running side by side. They came running through the apartment complex and around the corner our of sight, presumably up the stairs. Not a moment after the two were out of sight, another little boy, maybe 5 or 6, came running through with a little girl who looked about 4. The pair got halfway through the apartment complex when they stopped. They had no idea where the older boy and girl had gone to. They had no idea which direction to go.

They were lost.

It was the little boy who realized this first and it devastated him. Standing in one spot, he and the little girl looked around. After maybe 15 seconds, the little boy dropped down to hug his knees and began crying.

It was the saddest sound I had ever heard in my life.

After seeing him start to cry, I got up in order to help them, but before I could help the older girl and boy stuck their head down from the balcony. The little girl, who probably didn't really understand what was going on our care, immediately went around the corner and up the stairs. The little boy, however, took a minute to recover. He needed a special hug and reassurance from the older girl. And as the group began to retrace their running steps, the little boy and girl were given a head start so that they would always know that the older ones would be coming behind.

I feel like this little boy.

I feel like I have lost my way and don't know what to do.

It's been a long time and I am dry.

But faith is what sustains me in this desert. God shows up here and there. He reminds me indirectly that we are connected. But I need His love, His peace, His comfort, His assurance, His blessing, His promises, His presence. I need Him to be close, not distant. I have been searching for Him and cannot find Him. And there are real, legitimate needs that God needs to fill: to man, not friends, but GOD. And I WANT God to fill those needs. I miss Him, and I don't want to live without Him.

So faith is what sustains me.

In Faith, I believe that He is Good.

In Faith, I believe that He loves me.

In Faith, I believe that He guides and directs my steps.

In Faith, I believe that He is real.

In Faith, I believe that He can be found.

In Faith, I believe that He is pleased with me, or He would show me otherwise.

In Faith, I believe that He hears my prayers whether I feel that He does or not

In Faith, I believe that the prayers of a righteous man avails much (is powerful and effective)

In Faith, I believe that His promises are true.

In Faith, I believe that He is finishing the work that He began in me.

In Faith, I believe that He is pleased with me.

I have no feelings to back this up, actually my feelings tell me this stuff is crap. BUT in Faith I believe it to be true.

So, in faith, I believe that as I put in the work to seek Him, to keep feeling this way (instead of suppressing it), and to deal with my issues by continually pouring out my emotions before God in prayer, HE is faithful to me...in whatever way that means. And that when I really DO need Him, His timing will be perfect, and He will be found by me.

So to finish the verse:

Without faith it is impossible to please God,

[Why?]

Because anyone who comes to him must first believe that he exists

[which takes a lot of faith, actually!]

and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him

[which can be an exceedingly difficult thing to believe when your feelings of reality are screaming in your ears]

Without faith, you couldn't believe he existed. Without faith, half the time we wouldn't believe seeking him is worth it! So without faith, we could never please God! We wouldn't believe in him-which wouldn't be very pleasing to Him- and we wouldn't seek him-which can't be very pleasing either!

But, I'm tired, to say the least, and dry.

Luckily, deserts don't last forever.

[Side note]

So looking up the spelling for desert, since I didn't want to say dessert, I came across these fun definitions.

In Faith, I believe my situation is a noun and not a verb.

Amen.

desert 2 |ˈdezərt|nouna dry, barren area of land, esp. one covered with sand, that is characteristically desolate, waterless, and without vegetation.• a lifeless and unpleasant place, esp. one consisting of or covered with a specified substance • a situation or area considered dull and uninteresting :
desert 1 |dəˈzərt|verb [ trans. ]abandon (a person, cause, or organization) in a way considered disloyal or treacherous• [usu. as adj. ] ( deserted) (of a number of people) leave (a place), causing it to appear empty • (of a quality or ability) fail (someone), esp. at a crucial moment when most needed

Never fully answered

"As I drove home, the deepest part of me cried out to God, 'Oh Savior, why?

Why is it so difficult for my friend Merwis and others like him to understand about You?'

To this day, that question has never been fully answered."

David Leatherberry

Afghanistan: My Tears

Pg 152

To Remember

Juvenile Justice in America pg 84

"Finally [...] [they] followed up on a sample of serious adolescent female delinquents and found neither marital attachment nor job stability to be strongly related to female desistance [as those were found to be reasons for both male and female delinquents to quite crime]. Instead, desisters underwent a cognitive shift, or transformation, in which they experienced successful "hooks for change." These hooks "facilitated the development of an alternative view of self that was seen as fundamentally incompatible with criminal behavior."

Important. Never forget.

Praise Be to the One and Only God!

Thank you God! That you are ALIVE! You are a living God! You are not dead, you are not made of wood or stone. You were not crafted by my hands and I cannot bend you to my will! Thank you God! That you are GOD. That you hear our cries and you respond to us! Thank you God that you are not far away, you are not distant. You are living and active in this world and our lives! You are continually moving among us, setting the captive free, answering prayer, and healing the sick!

You, the most High God, have promised to live in me, to do life with me, to love me and guide me. And you are faithful to do all that you've promised. Thank you God for coming to us, for rescuing us, for favoring us and living among us. Thank you God that we are your people and you are our God. A living God, a listening God, a loving God, a relational God.

You are separate from me. You have your own mind, your own will. I cannot put my words in your mouth, I cannot tell you what to do. I am submitted to YOUR will, my life is surrendered to your Life, my decisions are submitted to your Desires. I am no longer my own. Thank God!! Thank you that I am not god! Thank you that I am not in charge! Thank you that it is not MY will to be done! Thank you that you are greater than I; thank you that you are God.

I praise you God! You are ALIVE! You are REAL! You are a loving father; you are justice and goodness and faithfulness and love. You are jealous for us. You are beautiful and fierce and dangerous. You are everlasting. You were here before me, and you shall Be when I am not. Gracious God, thank you! Praise you. All that you do is right; and you make Right out of our wrong. Praise you! Thank you that you are in control of all things! That nothing matters. The wrong done to me, the pain inflicted on my heart, it matters not! It is such a little thing in light of eternity, where death is no more and every tear shall be wiped away.

Thank you that all authority was given to your Son at the cross. Thank you that he has come to make his home in me; that His spirit communes with my spirit. He is my guide, He is my prophet, my priest, my counselor, my guide. Thank you that you have given me all power and all authority of the darkness of this world. We are in a war, one that's end has been determined, but one we still fight to rescue others from becoming causalities. But you have given us all power over our enemy. Thank you God! We have all that we need!

Thank you God that I am no longer bound by my former self! You no longer see my failures, my mistakes, or my sins; instead, these were given to your Son to bear, and I was given His righteousness! He took the cost of my failure, and I was given the gift of His righteousness and perfection. Thank you God! I have been forgiven! I am free! I am FREE! Praise God! I've submitted my life to you and you have given me freedom! Now, to live a life of love to you. A life characterized by thankfulness and love; of dignity and respect. One worthy of the calling you have bestowed upon me. To live a life that is free! Free from sin and darkness, one that honors the King of Kings! Lived not because of obligation but out of desire and gratefulness.

Praise be to God! The Most High! The Living God! Shout His Praises from the mountaintops! Tell the world that He is God and that He is worthy of Praise! Tell them what He has done for them! He has freed them! He desires relationship with us! Praise Him, Holy One! Hallelujah! Hallelujah God! Holy One!

You are not stone or wood, that you are dead. But You are alive! You are above all else! You are obligated to no man! You are God! Worthy of all Praises! We humble ourselves, God, and ask you to walk with us, be with us, commune with us; help us to live worthy of you! Let us not take you for granted, but remember what You've done and who You are!

Yes, gifts are nice. Yes, "happy birthdays" are great.

But what I'm really thankful for are the things people do and say that make the day better. The things they did that show me that I'm seen and they add to my life in a way that mattered and made a difference.

I don't need gifts, I don't need money, I don't even need words or actions necessarily.

That's why I don't like to give birthday cards or say happy birthday.

Your birthday is a celebration of your life on earth. If I'm going to celebrate a person's life, showing them that I am happy they are on this planet, then God forbid me to simply SAY it to them on the day when your obligated to. I don't want a reminder that someone was born and for me to throw a remark their way. I don't want to celebrate simply because "it's what you do." No, I want to make sure that they KNOW that I am THANKFUL that they were born.

Happy day of your birth! We are better because you are here. I appreciate your life.

So yes, the wishes of happiness and prosperity are good.

But it was the thoughtful unsolicited action that brightened my morning. It was the cancelled class so that I could have free time that showed me I was appreciated. It's the kind words of encouragement and support on days that aren't obligations, that remind me I am seen.

I think, when I have a family, I want to have unbirthday days. Spontaneous nights where I have a birthday celebration for my son or my daughter or my husband. Days that we celebrate that that person is alive, and how thankful we are for them.

I want to send birthday cards at wrong dates of the calendar. Because on THAT day, I am celebrating and appreciating their life. Perhaps in person this will be different because then I can do some physical act or gesture to show love and appreciation on the day they were born. But again, if it's only shown on the day that STRANGERS are obliged to say "Happy birthday" then I think it's pretty cheap show of affection.

This is exemplified by the infamous (to me) "Happy birthday Emily!"

So, as I am thankful for all the kind gestures (which I really DO appreciate them!), I am very thankful for the early present of an intimate childhood companion, the morning surprise that helped me get out of bed, the funny voicemail that made me smile, the cancelled class that allowed me to enjoy stolen moments of this busy day, and the future dinner with a man that shows appreciation for the day of my birth EVERY day.

And this is how I celebrate my life. By people that see, participate in, and support my life.

Life by the Spirit

Life by the Spirit involves active obedience to the direction of the Spirit (v. 16), constant warfare against the desires of the sinful nature by the power of the Spirit (v. 17) and complete submission to the control of the Spirit (v. 18). Such a life will be an experience of freedom from the control of the sinful nature and the control of the law.

http://www.amelialyon.net/personal/introducing-sweet-lola-dee.html

Miss you...

I think when people say "I miss you" they really mean "I wish you were here"

When people say "I miss you" I think they are meaning "I miss you, I want to talk to you."

And then what follows invariably confuses and frustrates me, because the "I miss you" is it. There is no call, there is no trying to regain connection. It's simply a statement- I miss you.

So I think FINALLY, during a sleepless nap, I have found the key.

"I miss you" doesn't mean, I want to talk to you.

It means "I miss you, I miss your life with me. I wish you were here so that we could have relationship."

It's a nostalgic statement; a longing for what was.

It doesn't require that work will be done for the friendship to continue or grow, it simply means that what we had meant something, and I wish we still had that.

And that TOTALLY makes sense!!

What I always thought it meant was "I miss you, I want to talk with you so we can have relationship." So when someone says "I miss you" it follows that they WANT something to change and have the ability to change it, through a phone call, a text etc etc

But most of the times a text or a facebook post is it, "I miss you." There is no response, even if a reply was made.

I am of the family of "I miss you, let's talk"

I miss you, so I want to talk with you. When can we make this happen?

It's not a nostalgic longing of the past. It's an awareness that I miss you, something is lacking, so it needs to be fixed.

It's even better when people (sadly I am not included in this), simply think "I miss you!" and therefore call or text to bridge that lacking gap. The skip the "I miss you"s and go immediately to the fix. Because these people really miss you.

The other people, just miss what was. If they really missed you and wanted relationship, why don't they call? It doesn't make sense!

If they missed you and it bothered them, why don't they remedy the situation? Instead, they just sit in their awareness, doomed forever to miss and never to have.

So to those who miss, there are two responses:

"I miss you" "Yea, we had some great times."

or

"I miss you" "Ok, then call me. Set up a date"

I, of course, am not terribly wonderful at keeping in touch. I miss people on a regular basis. But when I have the time or ability, instead of saying "I miss you" and leaving it at that, I make plans to talk, because I MISS THEM. Saying to them that "I miss you" is not enough. What does that help? Now they know I miss them, but I'm not serious enough about this twinge in my heart to DO anything about it.

Now, there are those times where it takes me FOREVER to talk to someone I've been missing for a while- such as paige or abbey. In which case, I've neglected the friendship for so long that I need to just throw them a bone. "Hey, I just want to let you know I miss you ALOT, and I suck at calling. I'm SORRY!! How are you?" At least then, there is a tiny fix to my overall problem; a bandaid to the gaping wound that is this lack of relationship. But the people I love and who love me, are important to me. I like to take care of them. And although I don't talk to them as much as I NEED or they NEED or we SHOULD, I still want to communicate to them that I care, I love, and I miss through ACTION more than just words.

Words, as many know, are cheap.

Monday

Monday's aren't usually the preferred day of the week to look forward to. Usually it's Friday because then the weekend comes. But today is Saturday and I am SO looking forward to Monday!!!!

Why? Because Adam comes on Monday, God willing!

I say God willing because it's true. Through this whole process of dating, time together has been elusive. It seems like the stars have to align in a magical way in order for us to be together. This time is no exception. However, as of now, we have a place to stay, we have a job, and really, it's just the car that needs to stay reliable- which of course is in God's hands, and possibly with the help of duct tape and Elmer's glue.

But hopefully, if all goes well, Adam will be here Monday late afternoon.

And then guess what?!?

We have a YEAR together, well at least the school year.

Do you understand how EXCITING that is??!?!?! Most couples take for granted the idea that they can BE together. Well not THIS couple!! Being together is a privilege, and one that hasn't lasted for more than three months so far. That three months was a gift, and this year will be a gift as well.

I am excited because we get to settle down a bit. We will both have a schedule and a life, and we will have to make it work. We have the opportunity to make friends as a couple, and see what kind of a couple we are. I'm excited because I don't even know what kind of couple we are!!!! I know how we are in private, but who are we going out? In groups? Everyday? At church? I don't know! I'm excited to for this. I'm excited for his friends and mine. I'm excited that it will be for more than a day or a week, but that this will be our lives, together; not as two separate people, but as a couple.

I don't even think I know how to be a couple, not in public at least. I know how to be single, and I know how to be around people with him, but I don't know how to be as a unit. When it's not just Emilie or just Adam or Adam and Emilie, but "Them"

There is one couple that I love, Anna and Yuri, who are an incredible example of this. They are so welcoming and so hospitable to everyone they meet. They can easily be separate but they are always one team- one unit. They can be apart but they are always very much together, in a way that is natural and beautiful and inviting. Both of them are engaged in loving people and they draw others in to themselves as a couple. I can't explain it well, but it's wonderful to watch.

I think what's most impressive is that they are BOTH engaged in others. I very rarely ever see both people be engaging; usually it's more the woman than the man, but I've seen the man be inviting as the woman is sitting back unengaged and unengaging. Perhaps it's personality, but as an introvert, I don't necessarily believe it. It's a genuine interest, love, and care for the people around you. It's an understanding that the people you are with are worth getting to know and being alive around.

As an individual, I understand this, but as a couple, I don't have the practice. But Anna and Yuri...they are wonderful. At Yuri's birthday, they served. Anna was a magnificent hostess, and Yuri was making sure everyone was at ease and having a great time. They were fully there, in the present moment, with the people they care about. Anna and Yuri compliment each other well and are assets to the other. As a pastor, Yuri loves people and truly has a caring heart towards others. But he has the trust in his wife knowing that she is a godly woman, with a Christ-like character, and who will also love the people he brings into their life. She is an extension of him and he is an extension of her. They do not have to worry about the other, because they are working towards a common goal will common values.

It's interesting because they can pass people from one to the other without having to worry that that person will be taken care of. If I am at the house, I can be with Yuri or Anna and I still have the same impression of being cared for. As Anna's friend, she can trust me with Yuri because he will still hold the same values and purposes that she has. At first knowing Yuri, he invited me to get to know his wife, who he is proud for me to get to know. He can easily connect me to her because he knows that she will love me the same way that he would.

I wish for the same. I want to be part of a team working for a common purpose with common values. To love people the way they deserve to be loved and being able to trust my teammate that they will uphold the same values, same purpose, and same care that I have. I want to be able to entrust my teammate with the care of a person, and to know that they will be satisfied with their experience (I know it sounds like a business, but that's the only model I can think of right now). That my teammate and I can go into a room full of people and "take the room" as it were. To be light and salt wherever we go. To be fully engaged and engaging, but as a team and not as individuals, sometimes physically separate but always together.

So I am excited for Monday. The beginning of finding out who we are and what we are made of. To discover our common purpose and goals, and to find the natural rhythm of who we are as a couple.

The Dread and Delight of Daily Devotional

Yes, I know Adam. I steal all your stuff. It's GOOD! So SUE ME!

Adam, you need to read one of the articles in the "you're never going to read this anyway" folder. You know the folder :) It's good. It's called "Your most important conversation" and it's labeled as Leadership Journal (also located at http://www.christianitytoday.com/le/thepastor/soulspirit/importantconversation.html)

But THIS article, that I stole, is GOOD stuff

http://www.salttribe.org/?blog=437

Notes so I remember

Humility.

Let's just say, I'm learning it.

Of course, I did ask for it.

So here are the quick notes so I don't forget what's in my head...

Last sunday:

"We don't have God because we don't need God. Of course we NEED God, but we sure don't act like it. Honestly, we don't really BELIEVE we need God. If we really understood how much we needed God, everything would change. But as of now, we have other options."

Today in class:

"Some people become spiritually mature to the point where they are no longer tempted to lie or steal or cheat or lust or covet. However, no one out grows being tempted to be prideful and to rebel. If they say 'I don't listen to people, I listen to God' or 'I'm not under your authority, I'm under God's authority,' they probably have a problem. Satan's downfall was pride and rebellion. Ours is too. We are never too mature in Christ, to not be tempted by the snare of pride and rebellion. This is especially so in American, where we hold so highly to democracy. We vote pastor's out; that would be unheard of in other countries! If necessary, pray for God to take the pastor out, but do not rebel. If you sow rebellion, you will reap rebellion-even your kids could be effected."

My Fast:

"My physical weakness through not eating, is a sobering reminder of how really weak I am. I need God like my body needs food. I am weak always, but right now I feel and understand how really weak and dependent I am"

Bondage Breaker by Neil Anderson:

"The third channel of temptation is at the heart of the New Age movement: the temptation to direct our own destiny, to rule our own world, to be our own God"

"By appealing to the pride of life, Satan intends to steer us away from the worship of God and destroy our obedience to God. Whenever you feel that you don't need God's help or direction, that you can handle your life without consulting Him, that you don't need to bow the knee to anyone, beware: That's the pride of life."

"Remember there are three critical issues reflected in these channels of temptations. 1) the will of God, as expressed through your dependence upon God; 2) The Word of God, as expressed through your confidence in God; and 3) the worship of God, as expressed through your humble obedience to God. Every temptation that Satan throws at you will challenge one or all of these values."

-Frick! How often am I tempted and stray in these three areas? ALOT! Thank you God for grace and mercy!

Last night I had a break through, I feel.

I've been praying a lot in specific to my future's direction. Instead of making my own decisions, I wanted to seek God's opinion and for Him to direct my steps. I'm a planner, you see, and I like making plans.

But I was praying, like normal, "God what would you like? Is there anywhere that you would like me to go? I need your direction and to hear you."

However, at some point, it switched in my mind, and I began to pray, "God, I trust you with my future. I know that you are sovereign and you are faithful. You have every step of my life ordained and planned, as long as I seek after you. I am not worried about the future or what's next because I know you have planned it out and know the path. God, I pray that you reveal the steps as you see fit to me, that I would be sensitive to your voice. That when the time is right, Lord, you will give me direction, and I trust that you will speak to me. Thank you for being God. Thank you for being Good."

I expressed my confidence in His plan, in His ways, in His ability, in His timing, instead of wanting to know the way so that I could make my plans, my ways, in my ability, and in my timing.

I submitted.

After saying it so many times - I submit my future to you, I leave it in your hands- I finally, for a brief moment, really did. I really did leave it with Him. It was like, "You know? This is yours to deal with. Your much more competent, you have more connections, you understand things better. I know that you love me, you care about me, and you guide me (because your Word says so), so I know that you're not gonna lead me wrong. So here you go, this is too complicated for me, I don't want to deal with it anymore, and your much more capable. Just let me know what's up when I need to know, and we will be all good. I'll probably just ask you every once in a while, specifically, just to see if it's time yet, but if you don't let me know, I'll just know it's not time yet to know."

I trusted.

It was so refreshing. I didn't have to coordinate. I didn't have to figure it out. I didn't have to plan. I could just pass it to Him, and He would be my Life Coordinator, as it were. All I have to do is wait for Him to let me know what's the next step, maybe check in once in a while in case I missed His call cuz I was too busy.

But ultimately, the work is done.

My work, is done.

It's so nice, and I couldn't even have done it anyway.

It's nice to be a child and get taken care of. I should remember my place more often, instead of trying to be a schemer.

I need to remember that

I am human

and God is God

I need to LET GOD be GOD.

Recently.

God is on the move.

These past two weeks have been a roller coaster, as evidence by my puffy eyes and tired mind.

God has definitely been....challenging me - not to be confused with speaking to me - about my dependence and desperation for him.

This has been very moving.

A heard a man speak last sunday (one week ago) which started a Revolution in my mind and spirit. Among many wonderful things he said, I took away the hope that God can be real to us; as real to us as He was to Moses.

When we pray, He will speak. When we ask, He will show up.

My problem is that I am not desperate enough. I have options in case God doesn't speak and doesn't show up, and deep down I truly don't expect that He will anyway.

He has been showing me that just as people consult spiritists and mediums instead of God, I consult myself.

In my many decisions, I rarely seek God to the extent where it costs me something.

In my intercession, I rarely beseech God to the extent where it costs me something.

I put in my time, I ask for what I need, and if I don't see results in a fast-food minute, I move on to something "more productive" (like taking matters into my own hands).

Now, what I've learned this past week has been good, but I've also been taught something else.

Wisdom.

In specifically to Revivals, my thinking was, if I'm pure enough, pray long enough, and hard enough, God will come down. For my decisions, if I just pray long enough, God will speak. And yes, that may be true, but my heart was...a bit off in its interpretation.

In a sense, my heart was testing God. It was saying, "Ok! If I do x, and y, then God will do Z"

And when God doesn't do Z, what happens? Disappointment. Destruction of Confidence. An attack on Faith and Hope.

The problem comes with the difference between two little words: Will and Can. And in my expectation for God to do exactly what I wanted to see happen.

From the Bondage Breaker by Neil Anderson (which I totally recommend), he writes,

"God is under no obligation to us; He is under obligation only to Himself. There is no way you can cleverly word a prayer so that God must respond to it. That not only distorts the meaning of prayer but puts us in the position of manipulating God. The righteous shall live by faith in the written Word of God and not demand that God prove Himself in response to our whims or wishes, no matter how noble they may be. We are the ones being tested, not God."

Testing God is one of (at least) three main ways Satan tries to tempt us. The first is to meet our natural desires independently of God (Satan tempted Eve with fruit, and tempted Jesus with bread).

The second is to "place more credence in our own perspective of life than in God's commands and promises...Fueled by the lust for what we see, we grab for all we can get, believing that we need it and trying to justify the idea that god wants us to have it. [We] wrongly assume that God will withhold nothing good from us, we lustfully pursue materialistic prosperity....Instead of trusting God, we adopt a 'prove it to me' attitude."

Satan told Eve, "Surely you won't die!" Casting doubt on the Word of the Lord. Satan tempted Jesus with "If you are the Son of God, throw Yourself down! For it is written 'He will give His angels charge concerning you' and 'on their hands they will bear You up, lest You strike your food against a stone.'" He was trying to tempt Jesus to test God, "Prove that it's true!" But he replies, "It is written, 'You shall not put the Lord your God to the test.'"

I test God. I take God's promises, and say "Ok God, you said this...then do it." And when He doesn't, I feel cheated.

But again, the difference is between Will and Can. And my expectations of how, where, when, and what God will do.

Will means "Has to," "Guaranteed to." It expresses fact, certainty, and inevitability. And in regard to God's promises, He WILL do them. It IS a fact. But when I tag on "God will..." following something I will do, then we have a problem, ESPECIALLY when I expect the result to take a certain form.

Can means "Ability to," "Possibility of." It expresses that God is able and can do so if He wishes, but it is up to Him.

For example:

1) In God's Word He says, Seek Me and You will Find Me.

Fact. This is true. He promised that when we seek Him we will find Him. Truth.

2) When I seek God and pray today, God will speak to me in the way that I know "speaking" means to me.

Fiction. He is not obligated to perform in such a way. He CAN if He is so inclined, but it doesn't mean He WILL. God is not a vending machine that His will is subject to my actions. When I seek God and pray today, He will be found, but it may not be anything like I'm looking for or wanting.

3) When I seek Him, I will find Him.

Fact. I have not told God how and when and in what way I will find Him. I have simply applied Truth to my Life, in simple belief that when I seek Him, He will be found by me. Maybe it won't even be recognizable to me, maybe He will whisper at another point in the day; but ultimately, I know that this fact is Truth, and I can be confident that when I seek Him, He responds to me.

So my frustration is, How Do I Find God??

I pray wanting to know more about Him, and sit and wait, and I get nothing. Yes, it's frustrating. Especially since I want to seek God for God, and not God for my problems.

But I think there is a flaw in my heart about this seeking God for God and not for stuff idea.

It's very subtle, but it's huge.

Let's examine seeking God for advice.

When I go to a friend with a problem or needing direction (sound boarding), it builds the relationship.

But many times when I go to God seeking His counsel, I feel that it is NOT building the relationship.

I've said this many times, and I've heard others say this many times, especially when we haven't had quality time with God and feel guilty just asking Him for stuff and solutions and people all the time. We say, "I'm gonna seek God for God, and then when we've had quality time again, I'll continue seeking God's help in decisions, circumstances, and for intercession."

So what's the difference? I can go and seek a friend out for help, and it builds; while I seek God, and it's selfish?

The difference is I go to my friend and say "Walk with me, help me, join me" while I go to God (many times, but not always) and say "Here is my problem, Give me the answer (or fix it)."

With my friend, I'm seeking connection and intimacy with that person-I'm sharing and asking them to share, while with God I am seeking results.

But going to each other with our cares and fears and self, is how deep relationships are built. Going to God with our cares and fears and self, can also build and strengthen relationship. However, I need to expect relationship and supprot, rather than an Answer. I need to seek out His mind, His thoughts, how He feels about the subject, His opinions. He may not answer in a moment, or in the way that is most obvious, but He speaks to us: through songs, and movies, and books, and sermons, and conversations, and nature, and dreams. He may reveal it in one moment or throughout a lifetime.

And ultimately, He speaks through His word, and it's helpful when you have a specific reason for why you are seeking Him out. If you are just seeking God with no direction, you have 66 wonderful books to look through! If you have a request, or a problem, you now have a focused topic to ask God what his opinion on it is. What does God think about working? Or family problems? Or difficult relationships? Or love? Or respect?

Instead of going to God and say "God I have a problem with my family, fix, thanks, bye!" We say, "God, I'm having difficulty with my family. Please help us. Please have your hand in this family. Teach me how to be a better member of this family. God, what have you said already in regards to family? What is your heart for it? How would you act?" And then seek His Word. As we balance that with our Worship and thanksgiving and meditation, we come to a working relationship with God.

So the lessons I've been learning are:

-To be Desperate for God. That there is no other option. I NEED HIM, and I need to LIVE like it. My priorities need and are changing.

-To expect Him to move.

-To balance these with the WISDOM that:

God is obligated only to Himself and to His Word, because He is not a liar.

Therefore, I need to live according to His Word and His Promises, desperate for Him, Expecting Him to fulfill His Word with the humble understanding that His perspective is not my perspective, and that Him fulfilling His Word may look a lot different than how I want it to be (or think I need it to be)

So, the Challenge is...

To keep my expectations, while still submitting to God's will.

To have faith in His Word, expecting that He will "show up" in all of His Glory and Majesty in accordance to His Word, but in what way, I cannot imagine.

If God is dead....

In the 60's, The New York Times asked, "Is God Dead?"

Before that, Nietzsche declared, "God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him."

If God is dead then Man is dead.

In murdering God, we've murdered ourselves.

Life has no meaning, and we are without Hope.

The vision

They are free
yet they are slaves
of the hurting and dirty and dying.
What is the vision? The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.
It makes children laugh and adults angry.
It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars.
It scorns the good and strains for the best.
It is dangerously pure.
Light flickers
from every secret motive,
every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps,
their Satan games.
…And this vision will be.
It will come to pass;
it will come easily;
it will come soon.
How do I know?
Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit,
the very dream of God.
—Pete Greig, excerpted from The Vision

If I marry...

"If I marry: he must be so tall that when he is on his knees as one has said, he reaches all the way to heaven.

His shoulders must be broad enough to bear the burden of a family.

His lips must be strong enough to smile, firm enough to say no, and tender enough to kiss.

Love must be so deep that it takes it's stand in Christ and so wide that it takes the whole lost world in.

He must be active enough to save souls.

He must be big enough to be gentle and great enough to be thoughtful.

His arms must be strong enough to carry a little child."

-Ruth Bell Grahams prayer before she met and married Evangelist Billy Graham

Sticking

Do you ever have those seasons where you feel like nothing sticks? Like you finally find a friend, or a hobby, or a job and you get so excited about said thing and then it falls through? It doesn't "stick" and you realize you are still at square one still...searching. For what you're searching for, you don't know. You're just searching and trying on new people and new things to see if they...stick, for lack of a better word.

I feel like I've been in that season of stick-resistance for quite some time, with many areas of my life. I feel like I have no direction and no place to start, so I'm just looking at everything hoping that something fits. I feel this most strongly in jobs and in friends, with friends taking the lead.

It is HARD to make friends. Especially to make the kind of friend that transfers to outside of the realm you met them (a.k.a class or work). For being an introvert, I am really social. I have my moments where I'd rather pluck out an eye than hang out, but I love my friends dearly and I feel a deep incompleteness when I do not have ladies in my life that matter to me.

I know that I have the best friends in the whole wide world. I have been BLESSED with some incredibly ladies that have impacted me permanently. Which makes me feel like a whiner when I still need more. Well, the move to Texas had left me friendless within 200 miles plus-save for Kristy but even that was a long distance relationship. I had a pool of new people that I could pick from from my college campus, but making friends proved to be more difficult than I expected. Personalities didn't click, people had their own set of friends already, or time didn't match up. Whatever the reason, it's been hard to make friends. Thankfully, I have a few ladies that mean the world to me. But I'm always on the look out for a new friend and acquaintance. Some people I have found to be ammaazzzing! Others, I thought they were amazing at first. Whatever the case, it seems something always gets in the way and the acquaintance doesn't go beyond a friendly hi in the hall. Sometimes, I think I need lessons in friendship making. I've never been terribly good at being intentional and pursuing people: Im shy and honestly not all that exciting to hang out with. But I'm learning, trying, and many times failing. Most of the time, though, the other person doesn't seem to be very interested in gaining a new friend. It doesn't stick.

Then there is the job...or hobby...or volunteer endeavor. This is probably more confusing but less difficult than making friends. It's less difficult because I can try and stick with whatever I want at will. If I can find something to do, I can do it. However, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I have no idea what makes me tick, gets me excited, fills that....space....that I can FEEL is there but can never seem to fill. I find positive outlets but...it just doesn't stick like I was hopeful it would. I feel like I am in a constant state of searching-searching for what? I don't know, all I know is I haven't found it yet (and if I'm just being picky, I probably will never find it).

This problem/yearning/void is even more exaggerated when it comes to my Christian walk. I've been searching for my niche for so long. Searching for the place where I excel. Looking for the place that God has made me for and where He can use me to impact the people around me.

I guess I am looking for my home.

I am looking for the place that I belong.

I know that that doesn't come naturally-it takes years to develop, but I'm searching for it.

I am searching for the puzzle piece...or perhaps the puzzle that I fit into.

I am looking for my stride.

I am looking for my forte.

I am looking for my passion.

I am looking for the expression of my purpose.

I am looking for my family.

Maybe my heart is searching for something not found on this earth. Maybe it feels more acutely than my mind realizes, that I do not belong here. This is not my home.

But I believe there is a slice of home here

and I am looking for it.

Just call me Goldilocks.

I am looking for the porridge that is neither too hot nor too cold;

I am looking for the bed that is neither too hard nor too soft;

I'm not stick-resistant from lack of trying. I'm trying the best I can. I suppose with all things, striving won't get us there any faster: it's all in God's timing. I have to remember that. I follow God, I try to serve Him, I do my part in living a life pleasing to Him, and keep my eyes open for opportunities that may be God sent. Then, if it sticks-it sticks and if it doesn't-it doesn't.

God is the Chess Master, He knows the game and players far better than I. He will orchestrate my steps and get me where I need to be going.

It's just a little bit like wandering in the desert, with each new land I come to not being the one promised. Not yet. Hopefully I am doing my part, and not missing the mark entirely.

I'm not sure what exactly they meant when they wrote their song, but I relate to U2's words:

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Hope

You can Live only so long in Fear and then It turns to Apathy.

I wish to Live in neither.

I will Live in the Blessed Assurance.

That Space Between.

In Peace that

What I can't change

And

That Which I can't shield

Will be what It will Be

And

Is what It Is

And all for

Good Cause

And

Good Purpose

Amen.

Blessed Assurance, Jesus is mine!

O what a foretaste of Glory Divine!

Perfect Submission, all is at Rest;

I in my Savior am happy and blessed.

Watching and Waiting, Looking Above,

Filled with His Goodness, Lost in His Love.

Realizing

I think I'm starting to realize how really rare it is for people to actually finish this Christian race strong.

I've been watching those that grew in the faith with me, and those that I mentored get picked off, one by one by one. And I wonder, why is this?

Was their relationship just not built with lasting things; was it made with wrong reasons that wouldn't hold up against the persuasion of this world?

And I am not above it, but for the Grace of God, I am not one of them.

But it's true. Narrow is the gate and few find it.

But for the first time, I see and I understand, but it doesn't hurt me. There is nothing I can do for them but love them. I can teach them in the ways they should go: rebuke, correct, and love them. However, in the end I can't choose for them.

So my energy is not for them (although my prayers are). My energy is for the harvest. The people who have not even been given a chance to choice for themselves. They deserve my energy.

Yes, I mourn for my brothers and sisters who have taken a different path. Yes, I still love them and talk to them. But my energy is for those who have never known, not for those that know better, because they ALREADY know better. They know all that I know, yet they've chosen another path.

Maybe they just "did the right things" had a facade. Because they DID do the right things! The followed the rules, and played the game and it TRULY was NOT a game to them. It was real....but it still didn't last.

What's missing? Love?

I've seen that too. They will have an emotional experience and be so committed to the one they love...in that moment...while feelings last. An infatuation with Jesus.

But a Committed love. A truly sold out love, through pain. A deep understanding of what He did for us, and what it means. That changes things.

I'm discovering people are much more complex than I previously imagined

Doomed to repeat

It's hard to watch the very kids who hated Christians growing up, turn into exactly what they hated: Christian Hypocrites.

Today, we are the Church. What kind of Church are we being? We can't blame it on "those people" anymore. If you are a Christian and you're a legal adult, congratulations: you're either part of the solution or part of the problem. There is no "Them" anymore; it's just YOU. YOU ARE the Church.

What we hated growing up: the lying, the two faced living, the stingy, hateful, divisive, gossipy people that called themselves Christians.

Many of us said, I'd rather be with the unsaved! But now that YOU'RE saved, who are you? Are you what you hated? Are you facilitating the "problems" in the Church?

Are you what I hated growing up? Are you all talk and no walk? Do you divide? Do you live crazy?

Do you reflect an accurate representation of Jesus? Are you TRYING to?

Who do you really serve? Who do you really love?

God grant us the grace to be the people that truly love and serve you; growing in love for others; learning to be more like your son.

__________

The advocates that I put my hope get eaten up one by one. It's almost like this invisible force is going after them in particular to make sure that their voice is silenced and their influence never reaches this world

Go.

The is randomness, and I'm trying to put it together within 20 minutes before class.

Sonam Pervase.

He made me cry. But I'm not sure why.

He is a missionary to the Northern India mountain people, mostly Buddhists.

He just told his story

What got to me:

-when he was on the mountain side and cried: "Whatever you want me to do God! Just give me one! Just give me one person to disciple" because it was so difficult to get just even one person

-When he was at work in Japan. God told him to leave the job. And he looked around "you've been faithful here" and he had shared the gospel to every person there. His work was done. Even at a job, it is an in to missions

-The persecution he and his family is under. Ridiculous persecution and hate.

....

In Germany they came first for the Communists,

but I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.

Then they came for the Jews,

but I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for the trade unionists,

and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Catholics,

and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.

Then they came for me, and by that time

there was no one left to speak up.

-Martin Niemoeller speaking to the Confessing Church in Frankfurt, Jan. 6, 1946.

Day 3, actually on day 3

God, help me have eyes to see. We weren't meant to be islands, and as Christians, we weren't meant to be floaters: just going with the flow of the current. We were meant to change things, change the world, change society. We were meant to infect it. We were meant to change it's perspective by casting light on the things that were dark. We were meant to change it's flavor by being salt and adding our enhancement. You've set me on this path where my mantra has become "then change it, then change it, then change it, then change it." Whether in relationships, groups, school, organizations, society, government, or the world, if there is a problem, change it. I was taught that the only two choices you have when something bothers you are say something or get over it. If I don't say anything, I can't get mad. If I don't vote, I can't complain. If I don't change it, then I have to be ok with it staying the same. And if staying the same is unacceptable to me, then I have to do something about it. I can't wait by hoping that it will change. I am the mover of mountains, I am the facilitator, I am the destruction of the status quo.

I am, with Your help.

See a need, fill a need.

See a problem, fix it.

See the despair, be the hope.

I wasn't always like this; You know I wasn't. I was very insecure, very unassertive, but you've brought me on this journey. You have changed my thought processes without any help from me. You have altered me. You have answered prayer. And as I read my Social Work book, I realize just how successfully You have plotted my course. Without me having much conversation with You, You have guided me to a place where I am supposed to be. It all builds and all compounds on each other, every lesson You have ever taught me.

"As a social work practitioner, you will likely have to face community problems and gaps in services. As a generalist practitioner, you will probably encounter times when your agency is accomplishing tasks ineffectively, is not doing something it should do, or is simply doing the wrong thing...When such problems exist, it is the practitioner's professional and ethical responsibility to consider helping the agency improve its service provision to clients"

"Social workers are generalists who require a wide array of skills. Social workers don't pick and choose what problems and issues they would like to address. They see a problem, even a very difficult problem, and try to solve it. They must prepare themselves to help people with individualized personal problems on the one hand and to address very wide-ranging problems that affect whole organizations and communities on the other"

This is what I've been becoming. When I read this I thought, holy crap!! This, Adam, is why I felt so strongly when it came to the situation with Master's: I am a social worker, I am a fixer. This is what I was born to do, and now I can get paid to do it.

So, God, help me. Help me to have eyes to see and ears to hear. Let me to shrink away from a problem, thinking it is too big for me. You are the MASTER of social change. Numerous times (probably way more than I will ever know), You've taken individuals in oppressive, impossible circumstances, and used them to facilitate change. Lord, let me not get indoctrinated into social work dogma, but take the tools I'm learning and use them to facilitate change that YOU desire! I don't want change for change's sake, or social justice for social justice's sake. I want to keep my eyes open for the strategic change for Your kingdom and glory. Use me to be a Moses, a Daniel, a Joseph, a Deborah, an Esther, an Isaiah, a Paul, a Tabitha, an Elijah, a Teresa, a Lillian Trasher.

Lead me to the places to change, keep me from the places someone else is to change. Give me grace, patience, and trust in You. Help me to remember that You are the God of Abraham. The God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were. You make the impossible real. With You, Change IS Possible.

Help me to never forget that.

Day two, on day two

It's been a long day.

Chapel, Class, Worship Night, Reading.

Chapel: Redefining Normal by Scott Wilson

Compassion is Normal

Evangelism is Normal

Struggles are Normal

Miracles are Normal

Me: It's wonderful how when I get to the reflection part, I can't remember anything that was important. Awesome.

All day I've been thinking about my Kaio kids. Like MAJORLY thinking about them. It's amazing the kind of impact you can have on people that you don't even realize you are having. An impact that will come back YEARS later with people you barely had a relationship with. It's amazing. I want to be in that position again (amazing, seeing how burnt out I was coming out of Master's). But I realized that I am 23 years old. I remembered when I was a kid and 20 somethings came around me. I was so thirsty for their interaction. They had so much influence on me. I looked up to them. And now I am that. It's pressing on me. I am 23 years old and in the prime of my automatic influence. Seriously: I am cool. Why am I not exploiting this?!?! A junior higher would die to be around me simply because of the status my age gets me. I'm thinking the prime is through my 20s and could go well into my 30s depending on how young I look, act, or dress. Of course, I am an influencer at any age at this point, because when I'm in my 40s and 50s, I still have a ton of ability to pour into younger generations, just in a different way. Right now, I'm cool. This needs to be tapped into!! That's probably why The Pub was on my mind. It's a youth center in Waxahachie. It's also a concert venue. They allow volunteers to help during the times they are open; help to run the place. That's AWESOME! If I could do that once every week, I could do some major damage. I'm pretty excited to pursue this.

So that was a lot of what went through my mind during chapel today as he spoke about following the example of Jesus.

Prayer needs to be a more significant part of my life. I want to invite God into my days, my decisions, my relationships. I just forget. I repented during Chapel. I know that I love God, but I do neglect him. There's so much I'm learning and I want more. I really want to learn how to love and serve God better. His leading is hard to hear sometimes. Even in my prayer, reflection times, I wait and get nothing. But enough has been dropped into my heart during random points, that I have some sort of direction to go in.

Worship: CFNI

Yea, lots of reflection. Like I said earlier, my kaio kids came to my mind. I love them so much. They were like my kids- still are. I am so amazed (and shocked) at the impact that I had on them too. One boy, Christian, played the bass on the worship team. I think I had about 2 conversations with him ever. He was quiet, had his own friends, and was a boy, so I didn't really pursue him like I would the girls. But I saw a photo of him recently and boy has that kid grown up!! He is so big and handsome! He always struck me as kind of awkward and dorky, so it made my heart well up inside me, like a mom's would, when I saw how adult-ish he had become. Awww it was a proud moment. So I commented, even though he may not remember me, which could be awkward. But he totally did remember! And with Amanda too. I'm so FRICKEN excited that she is engaged and incredibly proud of her, so I told her. It's amazing that my words mean something to her. I wasn't super close with her, but she always mattered to me and I loved watching her grow.

It's just such a privilege to be involved in influencing lives. It's so humbling and so rewarding. Yes, sometimes they make me SO MAD, but I love them so much. I want the best for them, and it's such an honor that God would allow me to touch their lives. Even if it's from a distance or for a brief moment.

I want to live my life in such a way as to show others how amazing God is. I want to live a life that is unmistakably different, which seems SO DIFFICULT for me to do! I want prayer and the Spirit to radically change me life as it has never done before. I am just a normal person, but so were all the people in the early church!! They were nasty, bitter, immoral people, who drove Paul NUTS!!! Yet, the Spirit moved incredibly through them because they were open to Him. I want the Spirit to be normal for me. I don't want to feel weird to pray with people for healing. Or ask God for guidance. Yea, I SHOULD be asking God for guidance; by NOW I should have learned. But I haven't, and that sucks. I am not dependent on God.

Half the time I don't even feel like I love God. But half the time I dont feel like I love my parents either, but I KNOW that I do. So even though I don't feel it, I say it, cuz it's true.

And I don't want to sing songs I don't mean. "You're everything to me" "I'm desperate for you" Actually, You're not and I'm not. Soooo, something needs to be fixed before I should sing this.

And I don't want to say cliche Christian jargon that I really don't understand what it means-it has no meaning TO ME. For example- I exalt you. Exalt means to hold in high regard or speak highly of. But when I sing it, it's a word without meaning. That's dumb, and I don't wanna just repeat phrases as filler. Therefore, for the time, I am thinking about what I actually mean. Even saying I worship you is kind of lame from me (or lift you up, is another one). So what do I really want to say? What do I really mean? What do I think about God? I'm gonna dumb it down. I will literally say "I hold you in high regard, God." Instead of saying "you are wonderful" (unless of course wonderful carries meaning) I will say "the things I have seen you do are absolutely fantastic. I have seen you change lives in an instant. I have seen you come into the heart of my friend and warm her when she felt lost. God, thats incredible. You are incredible."

And I will give thanks. In reading leviticus and deuteronomy, I am learning what "worship" really is. It's a sacrifice. And it comes in the way of thanksgiving, friendship, repentance, or atonement (and probably some others, but this isn't a study on it, this is just from memory). So when I say "I worship you" if I'm not actually worshipping, then I shouldn't actually say that. That's lying, and I'm just filling to seem spiritual. But sometimes I don't feel like praising or I don't think God's wonderful, so I don't want to worship...sing songs, whatever. And Thanksgiving is the key. Reflecting on the things that God has done, ushers in my spirit in worship. It facilitates that awareness of the Holy God. Therefore, I'm changing my systems to 5-10-5-365. 5 minutes of thanksgiving every morning. To start the day with an awareness of HOLY CRAP THIS IS GOD!!! wooooww. To have that awestruck, child-like wonder of God.

To give thanks of not just broad abstract concepts like "family" or "freedom" or "friends" but specifics. Things that I am really thankful that I've seen God do in my life or in other's lives. Specific relationships and WHY I am thankful for them. This awakens the heart, and ignites sleeping feelings.

So recap.

The Pub

Thankfulness

The end

Day two.